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The Monster inside me...


Sunday, January 20, 2013

Today was a bit of a stressful day. This morning I woke up extra, extra early to hit a few yard sales with my mom. I canít help it Ė I enjoy finding random items that I canít live without. Iím mainly on the hunt for cool, vintage items with lots of history.

Cleaning out your Grandpaís old shed? Sure, Iíll come to your sale.

Unloading all your great auntís treasures because you think itís just a pile of junk? Iíll be the first in line when you open.

Today was no exception. This one coupleís Craigslist ad compelled me to wake up before the sun so I could dig through all the vintage-y stuff they described.

Iím slightly embarrassed to say that the only thing I bought was a mid-century quiver full of colorful arrows. Yes, I am currently looking for work but how can I pass up $3 worth of shopping euphoria?

Anyway, enough about yard sales. Thatís not what this blog was supposed to be about. Forgive me but this next partís not about the blog title eitherÖ Iíll get to it soon though. I promise.

Well, my mom and I got home around 8:30am and about 20 minutes later we received a call that my Grandmother (her mother) was being taken to the emergency room. We live in the same town so we headed over to wait out the prognosis in the ER waiting room.

I'm happy to say that sheís going to be fine. She apparently took too much Sudafed for her cold (even though it was the recommended dose on the box) and it caused her heart rate to skyrocket making her think she was having a heart attack. Sheís staying overnight tonight just so they can keep an eye on her and once thatís over sheíll be back in tip-top shape.

Well, while we were waiting for her to be transferred from the ER to the main part of the hospital, one of my cousins mentioned getting a Red Bull to wake herself up a little. We had all been in the waiting room for a few hours so we were pretty tired but I refused her offer of Red Bull.

Now donít go congratulating me just yet for refusing those empty calories. I wasnít refusing based on dietary reasons at all.

And here is where the blog title comes into play. The following story's not really diet or exercise related at all but I felt like sharing it anyway.

Last summer, my family and I drove up to Michigan (from Florida) to spend 3 glorious weeks at my parentís Michigan house. My parents plan on retiring there in a few years so my mom also took this opportunity to bring up a load of furniture and other odd and end things to store permanently in Michigan. So to make the trip up there, we took a large rental truck and a rental minivan.

My dad (the evil man that he is) decided to start our trip at sunset and drive the entire way there. Yeah, no stopping at a hotel on the way up or anything. He and my sister drove the large rental truck while my mom and I drove the minivan. I knew my mom couldnít see that well at night (even though sheíll never admit it) so I took on the responsibility of driving during the evening hours. I was behind the wheel from about 7pm that night to 8am the next morning. So crazy!

Around 4am I started to lose it. My mom was passed out in the passenger seat and I was hopelessly trying to keep my eyes focused on my dad, sister and our rental truck full of furniture ahead of me.

I was desperate. I needed something to keep me awake so I reached into our mini cooler and pulled out the Monster energy drink my dad stashed in there for us.

Iíd never had one before. I had a Red Bull in college once and couldnít stand the taste of it. I donít drink coffee; I canít stand the smell of it actually. I do drink sodas though (I think itís unusual to get to my size without drinking them). So basically, I had no idea how I would react to the caffeine in the drink.

I bet the 2.5 people who decided to read this blog (and havenít given up on it just yet) can guess what happened next.

Yep. I freaked the f*ck out.

Hereís an estimated timeline of my freakout session. Keep in mind that Iím barreling down the interstate during all of this.

4:00amÖ. I take a tentative sip of the Monster energy drink. HmmÖ not too bad. Better tasting than the Red Bull I remembered.

4:15amÖ. I continue taking sips. Why is the drink is so large? I canít imagine drinking all of it Ė itís just too much. I donít really notice any difference in my alertness. Maybe it wonít do anything for me and Iíll have to find something else to keep me awake. I consider reaching into the bottom of the cooler to pull out one of my momís cold coffee drinks but the thought of the taste associated with it had me gagging.

4:16amÖ. Ok. Iím starting to feel a little more awake. Maybe this stuff will work.

4:20amÖ. Iím definitely awake now and trying to find a good radio station. I settle on todayís hits so that the music will go with my mood (which is quite peppy by now).

4:25amÖ. Yuck. A Demi Lovato song just came on. I consider changing the station but it took me forever to find this one so I choose to stick it out.

4:26amÖ. I decided that the song was ok except it needed some choreographed hand movements to accompany it. Yes. That would make it better.

4:27amÖ. My mom briefly wakes up to the ever-increasing volume of Demi Lovatoís voice (any good choreographer knows you need to FEEL the music Ė not just listen to it). She frantically tells me to put my hands back on the wheel and I sternly tell her that the choreography demands both hands in the air at the same time during this part. She doesnít find it amusing and I have to promise to keep at least one hand on the wheel at all time.

4:35amÖ. My mom finally falls back asleep and I continue choreographing hand movements to other pop songs while gulping the rest of the Monster. Man that went quick! I wish I had another one I could open. I secretly suspect Monster energy drinks to be the nectarine of the Gods.

4:45amÖ. I quickly turn off the radio and decide to put my extra energy into something more useful. I decide to take a stab at a few problems facing the world at the time. I delve into everything I know about the Arab Spring and I was on the brink of discovering a profound yet simple solution to everything when I got distracted by something else that desperately needed my undivided attention.

4:55amÖ. I finalize preparations for the eventual apocalypse and future zombie attacks that will rack the nation. I think of all possible scenarios and how to survive with as many family members making it along the way as possible. I understand Iíll lose a few weak members along the way but thatís to be expected and I set a realistic goal of a 45% survival rate among my nuclear and extended family.

5:05amÖ. I come to the realization that the zombies could be walking the interstate right nowÖ Quick! What evasive maneuvers should I deploy first?

5:06amÖ. I try to calm myself down about an imminent zombie attack (especially since I'm currently speeding along the interstate going 70mph) but I still lock the van doors anyway. You never know, it might me the fast zombies like in 28 Days Later.

5:10amÖ. Holy crap was that a bug on the steering wheel?!?!

5:11amÖ. I pull my shirt sleeves over my hands to prevent as little skin contact with the steering wheel as possible while also silently having a mini panic attack (silent so as not to wake up my mom).

5:15amÖ. An itch on the back of my head will not go away and the only way I think I can scratch it is to use my shoulder. For some reason, I didn't think my hands could do as good a job as my shoulder.

5:16am.... My mom wakes up fully at this point, sees me with a wild look in my eyes and twitching like a crack-addict looking for their next high. Needless to say, she decides not to fall back asleep and instead keeps me company for the rest of my shift.

Overall, I had 2 or 3 more Monster energy drinks when we got to Michigan. Like an addict I kept chasing that first caffeine high but could never get the same results again. It took longer and longer for the subsequent drinks to have an effect on me and the caffeine euphoria didnít last as long either so gave up on the drinks altogether.

Unfortunately, that means other people will have to try and solve major world problems from now onÖ
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NAYPOOIE 1/21/2013 2:53PM

    LOL, glad you survived, too bad it didn't last long enough to solve all our problems.

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DRAGONCHILDE 1/21/2013 11:56AM

    And this is why I don't drink that stuff.

Seriously, I was rolling.

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LIFEOFARSE 1/21/2013 2:34AM

    Lol I enjoyed this post. Almost made me want one ;)

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TRIANGLE-WOMAN 1/20/2013 9:08PM

    Nice blog. Very descriptive and glad you are prepared for the zombie apocalypse!

Next time try ginseng in pill form. Keeps me awake and alert, but not jittery. Plus added benefit of not having to make additional pit stops...if ya know what I mean!

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CALLMESALLYG 1/20/2013 6:14PM

    HAHAHAHAHA, I love it! Yes, Monsters can be addicting and they do take time to kick in.lol And as a side note, in Michigan, the rule is "9, you're fine, 10, you're mine." Meaning, going 9 over the speed limit (on the highway) you're fine, but going 10 over, they will pull you over. But if you're from Ohio and have an Ohio license plate, they may pull you over at 71mph :) Where at in Michigan are you?

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WHOVIANGIRL23 1/20/2013 11:46AM

    HAHA! This made me giggle. Monsters give me quite the stomach troubles.

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FITNHEALTHYKAL 1/20/2013 7:51AM

    I'm with AHTRAP; I expected to read that you ended up in Berkeley instead of the UP or where ever you were headed in MIchigan!

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CHOLULARED 1/20/2013 2:14AM

    hilarious! Maybe I can't remember how to count but it looks like you've got way more than 2.5 readers!

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ADORE83 1/20/2013 1:40AM

    Lmao you're so funny, I'm so familiar with that feeling!

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TAYSMOM77642 1/20/2013 12:58AM

    That is super funny definitely needed a good laugh after such a crappy day in my world. It's weird how we become immune to caffeine and need more and more to get that high. Glad you gave up on it before you did too much damage I'm working on that one myself right now.

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SLAPTHEFATCAT 1/20/2013 12:56AM

    I'm #2! This was definitely worth the read! LOL.

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AHTRAP 1/20/2013 12:40AM

    Well, I'm 1, who are the other one and a half? Everybody else is missing out!

I kept scrolling down, expecting to read that you suddenly decided to drive cross country, with Doc Brown's "Where we're going, we don't need roads" declaration as your guiding mantra.

Funny stuff, glad you didn't run over any zombies...too bad about the world's problems.

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