Sunday, January 20, 2013
Given how hard it's been for me to relax on the exercising, how hard it's been for me to gain weight even when 3 doctors told me I needed to, and how afraid I still am of unplanned food, I guess it ought to have been fairly obvious to me that there was something disordered about my approach to my weight these days. But I mean, I worked SO hard to lose weight and get into a healthy weight range, and I'm just so afraid of going back to being unhealthy. I don't want to be unhealthy like that again! Sitting around all day being inactive, eating a quart of ice cream in one sitting, all that stuff.
But I've known that there's been something wrong, in a vague sort of way, for many months now. Somewhere about a year ago, I crossed some mental line from losing-weight-healthfully to becoming-obsessive-and-disorde
The other day, this really came home to me when I realized two things.
1. Sometimes, if I haven't eaten enough so far during the day - particularly when I had a good long run or bike ride earlier, something that burned a lot of calories - I'll get light-headed for a few seconds. The other day, I realized that I sort of LIKED when that happened, and I realized it was because being lightheaded told me that I hadn't eaten too much that day and in fact hadn't eaten enough. I think I liked knowing that I hadn't eaten a lot. I liked knowing that I had burned a lot more energy than I'd taken in.
2. I also realized that some part of me was kind of pleased to have an eating disorder. Or rather, since it's not like I'm bulimic or anorexic, I guess I developed disordered eating. (Is there a distinction?) Regardless, some part of me was pleased that I exhibited disordered eating...because in my head, that's a Skinny Girl Problem. By having this kind of disordered eating (as opposed to emotional overeating or bingeing or a disorder where you put in too much food), it somehow symbolized to me on some previously unconscious level that I'd joined the ranks of skinny women.
Isn't that messed up?????
It'll take me a little time to sort of work those ideas through my head and figure out how I want to deal with them, but I'm glad these things finally occurred to me so that now I CAN actually do something to deal with them. I don't *really* want to have an eating disorder! I want to be HEALTHY, not just skinny.
The brain can do SUCH weird things without you even realizing it.