Saturday, January 19, 2013
Your heart has got to be in it. I think that is what has been missing for some time now. In the beginning of my weight loss journey, my heart was in it because I had great expectations of success, not just with weight loss, but in my life. Well. Its been 7 years. I no longer have those expectations. I do know why I'm working to lose weight. I have several real world negative motivations (infections and foot pain at the top of the list.) That said, I still wonder what I'm here for. What is my raison d'etre? I do take care of my immediate family. I do treat people with kindness. But, other than that, I just don't feel connected to the life that I have. There is a certain separation that I feel. Its not so much that something is missing as I feel out of place. I don't feel like this is my life, I feel as though heaven made a clerical error, I've been misplaced. They put the wrong barcode on me and put me in the wrong bin at the manufacturing plant. The only thing that I can say for myself is that I prefer being female, so in that regard, they got at least that part right.
I had thought that I was going to be gainfully employed, that I would meet someone nice, that I would have been married, and probably have had a child by now. I'm looking at my 35th birthday, and I live at home, I'm single, never really dated, and I don't have any real connection to my life. I don't do anything of any real importance at all. I just don't feel as though I serve in any useful capacity at all. With the infection that I have had, I can't even volunteer anymore and run the risk of making someone else sick.
In the best case, I will be able to become an inspector like my father and I may become a trainer. I won't be able to have my own place. I can't really live alone. I've had enough injuries to be smart enough not to do that. If I were able to earn more money, I would be able to get my car fixed, I would be able to get the bathroom fixed (need it to be ADA accessible, planning for the future.) I would enjoy teaching.
People have told me that the whole point to life is love. Not just the romantic kind, but all kinds of loving care for each other. But, I just don't feel like I'm enough to change anything at all. Some people only see the good in each other. I had a mixed bag of a childhood, many wonderful things punctuated by stark terror; more good than bad, to be sure. But, I walked away from that knowing how to recognize a dark shadow on someone's soul. Its like a stench that follows. Its not that I don't ever get it wrong, but my ability to recognize it has been startlingly accurate. (to my great advantage.)
The odd juxtaposition to all of this is that I believe that I am incredibly lucky. I have survived where lesser folk have died. I lived. I am the girl that lived. The question is: So what????