I just can't control my emotions. food comforts me. It fulfills all my needs. I get the satiaed feeling of carbs, chocolate, fatty foods, then feel the guilt settle in that I punished myself. A game that I have perfected. I thought this time would be different.
My twin sister is my rock. I am bipolar and am usually controled but do have some major ups and downs from time to time. She steadies me. My anchor.
Thursday night I had to take her to the er. We thought she had appendicitis. Oh, no an operation, time off of work without pay, all the worries. The tests came back and it wasn't appendicitis, no surgery whew! She had pancreatitis. Causes horrible abdominal pain, plush she had a bad headache. They were admitting her. I sat in the er with her until 1am, statrted having panic attacks, and had to leave. She understood. I felt guilty because she always stays with me. As I drove home I had a conversation with myself about how I was changing my life and I was no longer going to binge eat. Truthfully I was too tired to think about food, but when I got home I shoved down three cheese sticks. I went to bed, defeated, scared.
I had little sleep she called me three times between when I went to bed at 2am until I got up at 5am. with a full blown sinus infection. So much pain, I couldn't think of anything. I needed to get to the hospital to be with my sister but it was Friday and I needed to get to the dr. They squeezed me in and three hours later I walked out with my prescription and a promise that they would be calling next week to schedule a biopsy of my thyroid. Yes the hits keep on coming.
So I am sick, had one cup of coffe and it is 1130. Off to Dunkin Doughnuts with my niece. WE both looked at the menu conscience of calories, but both went with bagels and cream cheese. WE got them, they were not toasted, barely any cream cheese and just something I didin't want to eat. Stress eater I am, I ate it anyway.
My poor sister was so sick, we sat with her in a semi private room where her roommate did not speak english, had pneumona and was either getting a penticostal blessing in spanish from the three people standing around her bed, or hacking up gunk. Not her fault and I should be tollerrant but my sister's IV was not in correctly and her pump would not stop beeping. I was snapping at my niece, focusining on the beeping and the blessing, and felt like I should throw myself out of the window. It was only the second floor so it wouldn't have done any good. My sister just kept asking if I was alright, and kept telling me to go home and comd back later. We finally left, then the binging began. Stopped at 7-11, mcdonalds, 7-11 again, candy at target while getting my script. Sigh! I want to say I am conquoring this thing but I am not. I am a miserab le failure like every other time.
To finish this out I stopped at a gas station on the way back from the hospital that night, ate a big ice cream cone and a candy bar, my sugar bottomed out at home, (I am a gastric bypass patient) and my niece had to find me glucose tablets because my sugar dropped to 40. I went to bed, drugged, defeated, hating myself.
Started today optimistic. Made my niece and I breakfast and coffee, brought water to drink at the hospital, we are going to do it!!!!
My sister was still in pain, being given heavy duty pain killers, can't eat anything, the dr, if you could call him that, did not examine her, but said her numbers were back to normal she can go home. I panicked! Home? She is so sick. The nurse gave her pain meds and we left to tidy up the house anticipating bringing her home later in the afternoon. I get in the car and say to my poor obese niece, who I contributed to majorly. Ok, which are we having mini doughnuts from 7-11 or Mcdonalds? She said Mcdonalds. I don't even like it anymore but was compelled to drive there and just eat it as fast as I could. Of course I felt sick afterward. I got home changed her sheets, fluffed up her room, did a few things, then went back to the hospital. Stopped at the post office, drove through the conven store across the street for a kit kat, drove down to the hospital and stopped right before hand to get a reesses, put a mint in my mouth and went in to bring my sister home.
She was released with no pain meds, an antispasmatic for her intestines, and to see her primary dr in the next week. Jerk!!!!!
I brought her home, gave her a snack and sent her to bed. I sat down and logged my food. I am sure I missed some things but I posted enough to feel the guilt of the damage. I had promised my sister that I would stay on my plan even though she was in thehospital and I couldn't. I am beating myself up so badly. What kind of person can't go through life without going to food for pleasure/pain/soothing/punishm
ent? I should be able to control myself better.
I have ruined all my hard work. Now I want is something sweet and salty. Nothing here looks good. Fruit pfffft! I just don't know how to overcome this. She is still not well, I am still worrying, worrying brings on anxiety, anxiety requires soothing, and I sooth myself with food.
My life is in turmoil and I just can't turn it around.