Saturday, January 19, 2013
I am suffering just slightly past my half-way point. I have found it to be a scary place: I have lost enough weight that I can live my life my comfortably at this size and weight and be reasonably happy and no one would look at me and think I was ever over 270 pounds. Yet, this is the same place where confidence meets complacency. I am confident in my ability to lose weight now - I have lost 51 of the 80 pounds that I planned to lose, BUT you know what happens when you get too confident - you get knocked on your ass. Or to explain it best, you begin to believe that you can handle snacking on a little of this or a lot of that. You convince yourself that you can skip this workout as long as you go extra hard in the gym the next day. And slowly, slowly, the weight creeps up. I will be there AGAIN if I do not buckle down and FOCUS. Two years ago I had a goal of losing 80 pounds. I lost 47 before I got complacent. FOR ME, and this is my truth that I am speaking, I do not feel like I am capable of handling and maintaining an 80 pound weight loss and if I am telling the REAL truth, I have never felt as if I DESERVED to be thin and happy. I don't know where that comes from or why I have felt that way since I have been 8 or 9 years old. I think that will be the thing that will keep me from succeeding. Everyday I have to give myself a mental pep-talk to not blow it. Somedays the pep-talk works, other days it doesn't. Some mornings I feel like i can conquer this thing, other days I am afraid to log on to Spark because I know I have friends looking to me to inspire them and I worry that if I told them how afraid I am of failing, that it would reduce their spark. What I have come to find is that being IMPERFECT is more inspiring. It gives EVERY person hope to win at this thing, and I need hope today.