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***at that vulnerable place - either make it happen or fail miserably***

Saturday, January 19, 2013

I am suffering just slightly past my half-way point. I have found it to be a scary place: I have lost enough weight that I can live my life my comfortably at this size and weight and be reasonably happy and no one would look at me and think I was ever over 270 pounds. Yet, this is the same place where confidence meets complacency. I am confident in my ability to lose weight now - I have lost 51 of the 80 pounds that I planned to lose, BUT you know what happens when you get too confident - you get knocked on your ass. Or to explain it best, you begin to believe that you can handle snacking on a little of this or a lot of that. You convince yourself that you can skip this workout as long as you go extra hard in the gym the next day. And slowly, slowly, the weight creeps up. I will be there AGAIN if I do not buckle down and FOCUS. Two years ago I had a goal of losing 80 pounds. I lost 47 before I got complacent. FOR ME, and this is my truth that I am speaking, I do not feel like I am capable of handling and maintaining an 80 pound weight loss and if I am telling the REAL truth, I have never felt as if I DESERVED to be thin and happy. I don't know where that comes from or why I have felt that way since I have been 8 or 9 years old. I think that will be the thing that will keep me from succeeding. Everyday I have to give myself a mental pep-talk to not blow it. Somedays the pep-talk works, other days it doesn't. Some mornings I feel like i can conquer this thing, other days I am afraid to log on to Spark because I know I have friends looking to me to inspire them and I worry that if I told them how afraid I am of failing, that it would reduce their spark. What I have come to find is that being IMPERFECT is more inspiring. It gives EVERY person hope to win at this thing, and I need hope today.
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  • JENNY160
    RISINGPHOENIX 13 nailed it--"Your honesty is just as inspiring as your weight loss!"
    1852 days ago
    You have some AWESOME friends here at SparkPeople. So many encouraging words. It is really great that you are blogging/writing about your struggles. Saying it out loud can be hard, but it really helps us think things through. You will do what works for you. I hope you don't give up. It's not the exact same, number wise, but when I first started out, I lost 6 lbs. which seemed like a huge deal at the time... I was so proud of myself. I got over confident and started eating more stuff and more unhealthy stuff. I gained the 6 lbs. back. Fast. I was also looking too far ahead. I was looking at it like, 'I've gotta lose 25 lbs.' It seemed impossible. I finally figured out my strategy...I'm going to lose 10 lbs. by Sept. 4 (~2 months away). It actually took me another month and a half to complete my first goal of 10 lbs. My goal was to lose 1 lb per week. At one point, I went for 3 weeks without losing. It WAS frustrating!! There have been many times that I've yo-yoed 3-5 pounds. That is also frustrating. Other times where I didn't want to enter my weekly weight, because I didn't lose, I gained. I have realized, you have to go at your speed. You can't compare yourself. If you want it to happen, you'll make it happen. We all deserve to be healthy individuals. Don't give up on yourself. Do it for YOU! emoticon
    1855 days ago
    Insecurity was a big part of why I gained weight, why I married a no-good bum...actually, it was a big part of a lot of choices in my life. I never felt good enough or that I deserved to be skinny, have a loving family, or a great career. It took a lot of therapy for me to figure out why. For me, it was a combination of childhood abuse from an extended family member AND the push from my parents to be "perfect." The only times I felt my parents were proud of me or loved me was when I made straight A's or played sports or did everything right that they wanted me to. If I made a mistake or had a desire to do something different, like music instead of sports, I felt like I had failed them and had failed at life. Because I wanted to do some things that were different from their expectations, I felt like I had faulty "wiring" and thus did not deserve to be successful in life.

    It took a lot of time to overcome that. I actually had to put off losing weight until I worked through most of that because I knew it would be even more of a struggle. I was hiding myself in fat to keep out the world, because I felt like I didn't deserve to have anyone close to me because of years of all that in my head. It's something I still struggle with to this day. I have to write down irrational insecure thoughts and then immediately write a positive affirmation after that. I have to tell myself I do deserve to be happy (and healthy) every single day, even if I don't want to say it.

    I would suggest that you might want to try to identify why you feel so undeserving and try to surround yourself with positive affirmations. It will probably take some time, but it does get better. You most certainly do deserve to lose weight and be healthy and happy. We all owe it to ourselves to be happy regardless of what that inner voice of negativity wants to tell us.

    “Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you're worthy of the trip.”
    ― Glenn Beck (never thought I would quote him)

    1856 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/23/2013 11:01:15 AM
    1857 days ago
    You've come too far to give up. Even on maintenance mode, I have to be mindful of not backsliding. Just take it all day by day. This journey is not a destination, but a process of self-discovery of greatness. You are great and deserve success!
    1857 days ago
    awwwwww booski!!! Your honesty is just as inspiring as your weight loss! There is no such thing as a perfect person. We are all beautifully imperfect (my book but we are created to be that way! The way you are feeling isn't foreign to many of us (at least not to me). We are in this together and that's why Spark is an awesome can reach out to those who are going through the same thing for support. I got ya back! You won't backslide! Just reach out to us in blog or you can sparkmail me anytime! xoxoxoxoxo
    1857 days ago
  • BEVERLYB1989
    You said it perfectly, being imperfect is more inspiring. This makes us able to relate to you more, knowing that someone who is as inspiring as yourself STILL struggles! Sometimes I read things people post that talk about how they never plateued (that may be spelled wrong), or didn't mess up for whole year or something crazy like that, and I'm like HOW IS THAT EVEN FREAKING POSSIBLE??? No, its good to know you are human like the rest of us ;) Keep on trucking. You deserve this just as much if not MORE than anyone here!
    1857 days ago
    I understand how complacency is another battle. Take it one day at a time. I think the strive for some sort of will help..
    You've done a lot this time around, and it seems that you truly have made some life style changes! Stay focuses on just making progres...even if it's 1/2 pound at a time.
    You are awesome!
    1857 days ago
  • SARAL72
    It's winter, and our body tells us to eat, stock up and get ready for the cold weather with more calories. We are just human, diet right now is almost against mother nature! so we are not perfect! Diet can be hard!

    Fighting against the extra weight is complicated ( hormones, childhood relationship to food, or even addiction to food) many aspects of the way we deal with food can complicate our everyday life and there is a few battles that we don't win. But it doesn't mean that you are not going to win the war, it just means it could take a little longer, that's all.

    You lost more this time compare to your first "round". It means you are more persistent, but the fact that you came back to SP also shows that you do want to lose weight. Because you try again and you are successful!

    I was also thinking a lot about my childhood lately, and that after the age of 8 years old I was not really happy anymore. I kind of know why: my parents started fighting at that time, they separated and they each dragged me in their nightmare of a marriage. They actually never got a divorce (unfortunately for me), and they did stay together and fight until the day my dad passed away. I left my parent's home running at the age of 18.

    Of course we all have scares from the past, but it should not define our future.
    What we want to achieve, and our happiness today is what's important.
    I'm always kind of sad when I see my friends, with those great childhood memories, great supporting loving parents. I didn't have that, and I think somewhere it did affect my potential to happiness. But at the same time, it was a good lesson of "what not to do" in front of my children.

    Being an adult and a parent made me realize that it could be more difficult because of my past to be able to be fully happy, even if I have so much to be happy about : a wonderful and loving husband and my dear children.

    Instead of feeling sorry for myself, or upset at my parents, I just do my best everyday to do what I want, be where I want to be, and be as happy as I can.

    We can not change the past, but we can change the future!
    1858 days ago
    Are we the same person?? I've been struggling with complacency as well, because I am very happy with where I am now, but don't want to regain what I have lost, and am not where I need to be yet.

    Admitting it to ourselves is the first step, right?

    1858 days ago
    This sounds like something I would say....I hear ya sister!
    1858 days ago
  • CRISSA1669
    "if I told them how afraid I am of failing, that it would reduce their spark".
    You would probably be amonst the 1,000's of us who feel the same way. I am exactly where you are and I'm thankful you wrote this blog so I don't have to, lol. I can easily see myself getting comfortable and "fooling" myself into thinking I've got it made. I too was 270 pounds and yep, nobody believes it. I can talk the talk with the best of them.."working out, running 5+ miles"...I am accepted in THAT group now...BUT I know me and where I have come from. I KNOW that I need to get to the goal...and actually even though I have the goal of TRUE goal is to get as far away from 200 that I NEVER even come close to seeing that again. Sounds like you already know you're going to go for the goal with gusto...I am too! Imperfection is the new perfection...LOL Lord Bless you friend you are doing awesome and you look fabulous, I'm completely thrilled for you!!
    1858 days ago
  • DLG0505
    First off - I think you've done an amazing job! Just look how far you have come and what a great job you have done. Not only have you lost the weight but just look at the things you have your body doing that you never would have done before.

    Just remember you deserve any health, any happiness that comes your way. It's hard to understand why we under-mind ourselves at times. I think everyone does that at some time or another.

    But this I know from reading your blogs over the past months, that you are a strong lady. You will overcome your doubts and keep pushing forward. You have come so far and are doing an amazing job! Keep going - you are worth it.
    1858 days ago
    Wow, you really struck a chord, and have gotten a lot of good advice. I guess my approach has been a little different, and therefor it hasn't been a big struggle. (For me, organizing and getting rid of my clutter is way harder!)

    It took me a few months more than 2 years to lose about 75 pounds. I did it all with babysteps, and taking to heart an awesome piece of advice I read here on Spark: "Never do anything to lose weight that you aren't willing to do for the rest of your life." I don't count calories or anything else besides water & freggies, cuz I just won't do that forever.

    And I do my inner work. When things are bothering me, I journal and share on my teams. I meditate and use affirmations and pray regularly. I love myself and do my best to guard against unwholesome foods and attitudes, and stay away from depressing & violent news and entertainment.

    Thank you for sharing. I wish you great joy and success on your journey!

    Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon
    1858 days ago
    My guess is that just about everyone who's ever lost weight has dealt with this. Keep Sparking - sometimes you give support, sometimes you need it yourself!
    1858 days ago
  • SOFT_VAL67
    for me it was no choice, having broken my foot on jan 8,,,i am now sitting on my butt, but lifting weights and trying to find sme other chair exercises just to keep myself somewhat active
    but really depressed and wishing i could walk
    and knowing i have been slowing adding calories
    i just cannot and will not go back
    so its time to really get back on a plan and stick to it, if nothing else to maintain my current weight, having lost 64 lbs before the injury with a full60 to go
    1859 days ago
  • BRENNA84
    I TOTALLY understand your pain. I have sabotaged myself so many times. so many times ppl telling you you'll struggle with it your whole life.

    you're just a big girl. blah blah blah

    you deserve it. that is to be healthy and happy.
    1859 days ago
  • TEEBEE44
    I think there is a lot of people who can relate to what you are saying. If only we could figure out what is holding us back and making us afraid to lose the weight. We have proven to ourselves over and over again that we can do it...if only we believed we deserved it. But you know what? WE DO!!!!! And someone we need to get that through our thick skulls! You can do this..but you know that. Thank you for writing this blog. I honestly don't think I will ever forget it and I will think of it every day as I face similar struggles. Just remember, even thought I do not know you, there is one thing I am confident DO deserve this! emoticon
    1859 days ago
    That is a beautiful look into your heart and mind. Thank you for sharing. You summed up so much of what I have been feeling.
    1859 days ago
    There is lots of good advice in response to your blog. You know how I feel about you and I think emoticon Don't look at the entire weight. Strive for 10 lbs more and see how you feel. Do you like what you see? Do you feel healthy? Do you want "more?" Go from there.

    Do we need a Panera support group meeting? emoticon
    1859 days ago
    Our ability to keep going ebbs and flows, but we have to keep reminding ourself that it is worth it and we do deserve it! So we may go backwards for a bit, but then we will come back at our goal with new determination! Just catch yourself before you fall back too far so you don't have to start all over again.
    1859 days ago
    YOU DESERVE IT! Don't ever ever ever think that you don't! You deserve to be at a weight that you are happy with, where you feel sexy and confident. Last year I did the same thing. I wasn't "happy" at 184, but it was the biggest loss I had ever managed to accomplish (37 pounds), and I got complacent. Then I got scared because things were going too perfect. So I ate my way back to 237. Bad bad idea!! Keep moving forward! You're almost to the maintenance stage, and then you'll be kicking yourself for ever wanting to stop! YOU CAN DO IT!
    1859 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    All we can do is to try our best one day at a time. Don't look at it for years, just look at it in a much smaller step and maybe it won't be so overwhelming. I think that all of us on spark and lost and found that weight probably more than once. I tell myself that when I get to my goal weight that I am not doing this again. But sometimes we slip. I have never been on spark though before and I think that is going to make the difference this time. Just keep on tracking, keep on exercising, but most importantly, keep on enjoying life. If you continue to track, you will see when you are exceeding your calorie range and then you stop with the snacks. Yesterday I read cakemakers blog and you should check it out. She said that she has to eat like a skinny girl because if she starts eating like the fat chick, her words, then that is where she is going to be again.
    But again, one day at a time, you have made it this far with the sparkers and we can be here for the rest of your life!
    Best of luck to you. Holly emoticon emoticon

    1859 days ago
  • LISAN0415
    This is a difficult journey, but I like what someone else said to me:

    It's hard to be healthy and fit

    But it's also hard to be overweight and out of shape-

    so choose your Hard!!!

    It is hard to be overweight: We have to pay more for clothes and have less choice in clothes, don't fit as wll in theater seats or amusement park rides, it's harder to do any activiity

    Now it is hard to turn down high calories, workout more and be consistent. But man, it feels good to walk up the stairs without difficulty, hear the compliments and wear smaller cuter clothes.

    I have a picture of "a wedding dress" in my room, at work, and in my car- it's not my wedding gown. but it remionds me, I want to fit in it and look great!

    You are doing so great! What we forget too is that we are taking such great care of our bodies- we are preventing diabetes, heart attack, strokes, high blood presure, high cholesterol and allllllll those pills and doctor's visits!

    Best wishes to you!

    1859 days ago
  • DONNA5281
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    1859 days ago
    We all have our ups and downs... And when I'm talking about downs I mean bottom!
    I eat when I'm not satisfied with my life... Bad relationships, studying for an important exam and boredom are my trigger things. I know it now, so I try to find something to fulfill my life and distract me in order not to eat mindlessly!

    I'm not saying that in a bad way, but it's good to read that there are other people who struggle, too... I feel that I'm not alone in this and I'm not the only one who finds it difficult.

    Keep your spirit up! In the end, whatever we decide to do is our CHOICE, good or bad. But every time you choose to eat something more, just ask yourself your reasons. It made me stop many times; and I ignored it so many others...

    1859 days ago
    all the best
    1859 days ago
  • JEWELLE217
    I think many of us have the same problem. We are stuck in how we have viewed ourselves for so long that when we get close to reaching goals we get scared and pull back. I think this is why it's important to blog. Look back at your blogs. Re-read your inner thoughts. Look back at how hard you've been working towards your goals. You know what you want; and, you deserve it! Keep giving yourself those pep talks in the mirror. They may feel silly but they are important.

    Giving up is not an option! Stand proud and look yourself in the eye and say "I am worth it!" Because you are!

    1859 days ago
  • ALLISON145
    Amazing how so many of us are in similar situations. It just underscores that we have just as much mental/emotional work to put in as we do physical/dietary, if not more. Speaking from experience... I was within spitting distance of goal and gained back about forty pounds because as you say I was not ready to maintain and did not feel worthy of that state of being. Sad as it is, I still feel that way, which is why I have yet to regain momentum. We will both get there, we just need to identify and break through our own personal roadblocks. It can be done... I refuse to believe otherwise!!

    1859 days ago
    I don't have any advice, unfortunately, because I am sorta in the same boat. I've lost ~40 pounds, and am still obese @ 210 lbs., but i've gotten complacent and comfortable and am finding it hard to steadily lose instead of bouncing between the same 5 pounds. I've been stuck since September and not quite sure how to bust threw to the other side! I want so badly to see 199, but can't seem to break through the mental barrier!

    I know that we can do this! Just gotta keep on pushin' on!
    1859 days ago
    I can totally relate to what you are saying! At around 214 and 5'7 I am definitely still very overweight, in fact to just be considered in the "overweight bmi" I have to get to like 191 or something. I know that there are still some people who give me the nasty "look at the fat girl" looks, but it doesn't happen constantly. I still am not at a place where I am so happy, but I feel like I am functional, I can by the XXL shirts at Target and I just feel "okay" I guess. I am trying to remind myself that I deserve to be truly happy and continue on this weight loss journey, but some days are harder than others.

    You deserve to be anywhere you want to be, weight wise or other wise and I know you can and will accomplish whatever your heart truly desires! emoticon Just know you are not the only one who has felt this way at some point along their journey!
    1859 days ago
    Maybe it would help you to think about doing this to inspire and set an example for your future children. Aspire to help them. I think for most of us it is easier to do for someone else than it is to do for ourselves. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1859 days ago
    I feel that I need to be inspired just like you feel! I've lost 67# and I feel like I'm struggling every day. It's like I've lost my motivation. I have to say too though, that I feel like I'm getting it again. You know that this new way of life for us, is just like life itself. We're going to have ups and down, but mainly overall, our lives are ups. So, the main thing is that with our new way of life of eating healthy and exercising more, we will have ups and down, but overall, it'll be mainly ups! We have to work on making our days up days and it'll be so worth it! Oh to feel more healthy, more alive, more lively!! And what a lovely place that will be too! So just by writing this to you, I feel more inspired too! I hope that you are too! emoticon emoticon emoticon and I will too!

    Karen emoticon
    1859 days ago
    I think you've been reading my mind!! I'm at exactly the same place and have exactly the same mind set! After losing 60 lbs, I've been stuck here for a few months now...luckily not falling backward, but not moving forward either. I, too, have to keep telling myself that I can keep losing and to not give up...that I deserve a better, healthier life!!
    1859 days ago
  • DALID414
    Strive for progress, not perfection. (Easier said than done, trust me, I know.)
    1859 days ago
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