Saturday, January 19, 2013
I often see people with pictures from virtual model sites. "Model My Diet" and stuff like that. Since I have a pretty amazing case of body dysmorphia, I figured I'd give it a try...for a laugh...
On the left you see my current weight. On the right is my goal weight. I sat there and looked at them for a good, long time. They don't differ all that much. However, when I look at a photo of MYSELF at 140 vs. a photo at 120...it's like apples and oranges...if apples were really fat and oranges were thin and slinky.
I started critiquing the model. After doing years and years of figure studio (that's drawing nekkid people for those of you who haven't gone to art school), I started picking apart the rendering of the bodies. First, my breasts are totally larger than that...and my thighs are HUGE. Everything on those models is all smooth and firm. I am not smooth nor am I firm! Nobody looks like that dammit!
After having my meltdown...I am now prepared to think that maybe I am too hard on myself. I see people here on SP all the time who have to lose 100...200...300 pounds (I saw the 300lbs today...and really had to wonder what that must be like). I see people regularly who have my CURRENT weight as their GOAL weight. And here I am, freaking out and feeling hideous.
You know, I almost didn't go to an art show yesterday, because I knew I would run into people I know, and didn't want them to see me "looking like this?" How ridiculous is that? (I ran into those people, by the way. None of them ran away shrieking in horror at my hideousness.)
I really need to focus on seeing things how they really are, because my current vision is keeping me from being happy.
(Not that I'm going to stop trying to lose these last 20 pounds. I'm totally grotesque! It has to go!)