Saturday, January 19, 2013
First off, it's not going to be easy. My Dad and I locked horns regularly, but he was the one family member who has always been there for me. Of course, it was usually in those little everyday ways. The biggest one, though, will always be a part of me.
I was 12 years old, and I had literally read every book of interest to me in the children's room at the Portland (Maine) Public Library. I was not allowed to use the adult section until I was 13. For probably 10 months or so, Dad made the commitment to take me to the library every other Monday. He was not a reader, but he would take something to do and sit at a table.
I would wander anywhere I wanted in that vast upper area and browse any books that struck my fancy. As I found what I wanted, I would take some back to Dad and then I was off prowling again! I don't remember that he never rushed me. When I had my selection of books ready, he would check them out on his card. My favorites that year were biographies and historical fiction, but (then and now) I read just about anything except sci-fi, horror, and mindless violence. Only once did my Dad postpone on me, because he was doing a funeral that afternoon. And he made sure we went the very next day. What a "best memory of Dad" to have, because it went on and on and on....
Mostly I feel somewhere between lost and numb. I've slept and slept over the past few days, even though I've not been sleep-deprived. I've walked, finally, a couple of days, but it has felt like such a chore. Even my stretching, which has felt so darned good since I started it with SparkPeople, seems like I'm just going through the motions - and with limbs made of wood. Several days I've been below calories and carbs; I just don't want to eat. Last night I MADE myself get in that last 100 calories or so with fruit for carbs. Then I spent the entire evening feeling almost obscenely full.
So I'm planning to just keep listening to my body. If I don't want to eat, I don't plan to. I've been on target with water, freggies, and protein. That's good enough for now. I THINK I should be missing my longer walks (minimum 3 miles), but I don't. So I'll stick with 1-1/2 miles or so until I really want to add some more. I'll stretch just because, rather than because I want to. And I'll sleep, or veg, as much as I need to right now.
I've been through bouts of depression, and that's not what this feels like. It feels temporary in a way I can't describe, rather than the never-ending black hole of depression. So I'll just feel my way through this fog and find some sunshine on the other side whenever the time is right.