So I'm going along maintaining watching for signposts that I might be relapsing.

One was the thought that I don't feel that different, and is all this effort worth it. It is strange that I can feel like I'm not that different from when I was a size 20. But I guess I always did dwell in my brain a lot, if that makes sense. I mean, I've lost 7 or 8 inches off my waist, and I think that's not different? I guess this is what they mean when they say losing weight won't make you happier.

Last night I was thinking it's like winning the lottery. There are infamous cases of lottery winners who wind up with a lot of problems fom their sudden wealth. You read about it and think "How hard can it be to just pay off your debts and save the excess? But they burn through the money and keep burning too much of it once it's gone. In extreme cases it breaks up their family and causes rifts in their extended family. I read an article when the powerball was so big that listed a couple of cases of jail and suicide, saying it never would have happened if they hadn't won the lottery. I guess the most common thing that happens with newfound wealth is professional mismanagement, embezzlement, fraud or failure to pay taxes. Can these cases really be typical?

And yet with weight loss it apparently is the case that an overwhelming majority of people regain the weight plus some. I guess I should look harder at the studies. Do they count people who do it more than once? Kind of like how 50% of marriages end in divorce, but how many of those people have had more than one divorce?

Something I came to terms with the last couple of days is that "falling of the wagon" is not a symptom of things going wrong. I think it is simply human nature. Some might find this to be a pessimistic take on things, kind of like the old argument of whether or not it's natural for people to progressively gain weight in the first place. (I think it depends on the person; I have a lot of naturally thin or naturally active relatives).

And then there's the though I alluded to a while back that maintenance isn't interesting or exciting. (Me, I'm finding it all kinds of stimulating.) I'm not making the changes that can be seen on the outside, but I'm working on making the changes inside. I am working on becoming a "naturally" thin person. Or naturally normal, I guess. My husband argued his father does fight his weight sometimes. But I think when my FIL gains fifteen pounds, he doesn't sit down and console himself with sweet or fatty snacks. He just walks more and watches what he eats until his pants fit again. I don't think naturally thin people never gain weight. They just keep at it.

One interesting thought I had today is when I read in a SparkCoach lesson "the next five pounds" I automatically thought of increasing my weightlifting by five pounds. Since in my case I'm working toward a pullup, I'm quite literally looking at moving up to my bodyweight. Though as I've said, I'll probably need to lose more bodyfat on the way there.