Oh my, it has really been awhile since I have written a blog. I promised myself this would not happen, I promised myself I would not write the dreaded "Crap, I gained some weight back" blog But... I have to. I have to be honest with myself.
I ate, and I ate and I ate and I ate. Why? I was upset, so I ate. I ate because I was upset, and the vicious cycle began. Why was I upset? Oh, a variety of reasons, which are sort of irrelevant by now. Or at the very least, completely out of my control. And what do I have to show for this endless worrying, berating myself for eating badly, and in all seriousness disrespecting myself and God by treating my body badly? An extra ten pounds and a pit in the bottom of my stomach. Fear. That's what I have decided it is. Fear I will gain it all back. Fear of failure. Fear of defeat. Where is this fear going to get me? Fat and unhappy..
I refuse! I have a choice. Being fit is hard. Being fat is hard. I choose to be fit! I choose to nourish my body with healthy foods. Avoiding the poisons of chemicals and sugars at all costs. I choose health, happiness and prosperity. I have always wanted a beautiful body, dare I say, more than anything else in this world! Why then, has it eluded me for the past 24 years? Because I have put the love of food before anything else, before God, before my own body. I have disrespected it. I have hated it. No more! I love the body God has given me, it does so much and is relatively healthy. Maybe too healthy. My metabolism would fare well where there is famine!
I remember one time seeing a boy in the family changing room at the swimming pool. He was probably about 13 years old and was so severely handicapped he could not even use the bathroom on his own. He will never run on the treadmill and feel that "runners high". He will never proudly wipe the sweat off his brow after an intense bodyrock/HIIT session and think to himself "Wow, I conquered that work out!" I am so grateful to God for giving me a strong and able body and mind!
Why do I self sabotage? This is the question I have been asking myself as of late. I still do not have a clear answer. I am seeing a psychologist to help me figure this out. Maybe if I find out why, I can understand better, get to the root of the problem and stop. I suppose it is because somewhere deep down inside of me, I do not feel worthy of that beautiful body... why this is, I do not have the faintest idea. I am a kind, and loving person. I always try hard. I work hard. I deserve a beautiful body, but what happened in my past that causes me to have this amazing hate for the wonderful gift God has given me? Why have I always wanted a strong, lean and feminine body? Is this something EVERY woman has a deep and burning desire for?
Could it be because I was teased a lot at home and at school for being chubby growing up? It would upset me and I would sneak ice cream or cookies or some other kind of sweets to try to soothe the pain the tauntings had caused. I have learned to medicate with food. Sugary food. Fattening food. Salty food. I am addicted to food. I love the taste, smells, textures and pleasure I get while eating high sugar, fat and sodium content foods. I eat to get high, to calm myself, to numb myself and to punish myself.
Why can't I eat for nourishment? I CAN! I can eat to live, not live to eat. I will medicate myself with self care and self love, not food. I accept myself unconditionally, RIGHT NOW! I will be healthy and fit, and that's final!