It's not a secret that I've been neglecting my blogs. I've had a lot going on in my life, both physically and emotionally. I have not completely abandoned my health goals - because they are no longer just specific training goals to be met, they are overall fitness and health goals for the rest of my life. So, in that respect, I am still on track.
Next week, I'll begin the Run Like A Mother Half Marathon Training Plan, preparing for the Indy 500 Mini Marathon in May...one of two half marathons I hope to run this year...placed evenly among a smattering of 5k and 10k races that I'll run just for fun.
As for my diet, I'll freely admit that it has not been stellar. I have let this area go. Emotionally, I have not reigned myself in. I am two weeks away from moving out of my home and into a new apartment. I am a couple weeks away from a massive life overhaul where I will be a newly divorced, half time single mom. The divorce has been quite amicable and smooth thus far and I could not ask for a more "pleasant" transition (if it could even be labeled that). But the fact that my husband has not been fighting me and that my kids have been emotionally adjusting so well and with so much grace does not lessen the hell that divorce itself will reap on a person's heart. It would be a lie to say I haven't been eating my emotions. It's a scary time.
And so here I am...at a crossroads of life. Holding on physically and barely hanging in there emotionally. I have no doubt I'll make it through OK when it's all said and done. I do have confidence in my ability to master this training. I have great hope for my upcoming phase in life. But, still...fear reigns.
On the way to lunch, I was in the elevator with some ladies and overheard them talking about going skiing this weekend. Skiing is one of so many sports/activities that I have absolutely banned from my life since the horrific accident I had 3 years ago. The idea that I could so easily re-injure myself has instilled in me a paralyzing fear of anything that has the potential to plunge me right back into that nightmare from which I've finally broken free.
But something happened today that surprised me. The idea of skiing presented itself to my mind, the fear came with it and surprisingly, I heard myself thinking, "I could maybe try skiing sometime." WHAT?! This thought hit me like lightning. Did I really just consider, even briefly, going skiing?!
So I allowed myself to follow the thought through. Here's the thing: COULD I easily re-break my ankle, wrist and elbow in a more dangerous activity like skiing or ice skating or any other activity that takes place at high speeds and is not entirely controllable? Of course I could. I can say with some assurance that my potential to break my elbow is exponentially higher than the average joe.
But here is a series of thoughts I've never entertained in the past:
OK. So, let's say I break my ankle. What then?
Well...it's broken. Yep. Been there, done that.
What happens next?
It heals. Physical therapy.
Then...I cooperate with my ortho and put in the hard work necessary, severely control my diet while I can't be as active and then...then...I kick that injury's ass...AGAIN.
I've been so afraid of re-injury, I've completely eliminated entire activities from my life. Is this ridiculous? I've decided that it is!
Because look what I've done this past year! I've recovered completely. I've healed from that accident completely. And I've done things that are miraculous for my body. Who could ever tell me that I can't do those things again, if the situation called for it?
And here is the deep life lesson that hit me as I played all of this out in my head this afternoon:
There are few things in this world that will happen to us that can't be healed with enough attention, hard work and, above all....time.
Injuries will heal. If you get good medical attention and do the follow-up work required, you WILL come back stronger and more fierce than ever.
My marriage itself will not heal. BUT...the heartbreak that comes with a failed marriage...that will fade with time. If I put the energy into myself, into therapy and into my children...one of these days, my heart will be full and I will wonder why I was ever afraid to put it out there.
Healing hurts pretty badly. And usually you can't just sit back and expect it all to work out. If you want your bones to heal correctly, you'll probably need to do some special exercises that don't feel good at all. If you don't want your heart to turn to stone and you hope to love again someday, you have to face yourself completely alone...and figure out how to be comfortable with that.
But all pain has a purpose...and that purpose is healing. Isn't that worth it all?
It is. Don't you think?