Friday, January 18, 2013
I weighed myself this morning and it was 166.2. It doesn't count till tomorrow and I'm hoping I was retaining water or something and tomorrow will be better. I know my weight fluctuates a lot but I'm so undisciplined. I bounce back and forth between getting really obsessive and deciding that I can give myself some slack and be happy with that.
At this point, I've given up on counting calories. I hate it so much. It's too complicated to make a meal from scratch because we try to eat clean and then divide it up for 4 people and try to figure out how much of that I did or didn't eat. I just don't think it's realistic for me. My thought is to eat so healthy that the calories aren't that important. And concentrate on eating a variety so that I'm getting a range of nutrients and eat more intuitively. And obviously all that means limiting all the refined sugar and wheat etc.
I really have no idea if that can be successful for me. And also, I'm not 100% clean. I had a handful of microwave butter popcorn last night. The night before that I had 2 small kitkats. But besides that, I'm eating like the same routine that I was when I was counting calories. So for the most part, I have a ball park estimate of how much I'm eating. The other problem is I get so confused about how many calories I should be getting. I've read and heard from people around sparkpeople to eat low to lose 2lbs a week. Like 1200-1300. And then other sources say that's too low for an active lifestyle and you need to eat higher to lose. I can never stay with the calorie counting long enough to figure out what's what. But something is working. I mean, I have lost weight.
And I feel like its logical that if I just eat nutritional, unprocessed food and have an active lifestyle, the weight is going to come off right? My body will find its proper weight if I'm treating it the way it was designed to be treated. The freedom of not counting calories and agonizing over figuring out my portions makes that really appealing.
But like I said, I do slip up. And not counting calories means the accountability is not there as much. But really.... I was never consistent enough for that to be all that effective anyway. I tracked at the end of the day, so the damage was done. I guess occasionally, I would track in the evening and if I was close to my limit, that would cause me to stop for the day but for the most part... I just can't force myself to track. It just doesn't happen. Maybe I need to do like a daily blog where I just post everything I ate for the day? Maybe that would keep me accountable?
I don't want to keep spinning my wheels though, which is what I did pretty much since thanksgiving. I'm definitely much more focused on eating better and exercising. I got a little off my game with being sick but I'm ready to get back in action now. I want to make consistent progress. I just don't want to be a slave to the recipe calculator. Is it possible to have it both way?
I hoped that writing this blog would help clear up some of my thoughts but I don't feel like I'm making much sense. It's too cloudy upstairs.
It's like... Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I still see all this imperfection and I think, I need to be more diligent. I need to see more progress. I haven't really made progress in awhile. All my size 14 pants that I've had for years are too big and look baggy. But the 12s I just bought are still a little tight and I still have a little too much muffin top to feel comfortable. So I think I've been spinning my wheels too long, I gotta really focus and get to my goal already cuz I should've been there by now! And there's all these things looming on the horizon. I'm still 14lbs into the obese range for my height. I haven't been home for a visit in over a year and I really want to get back there early summer. I want to feel proud of the work I've done when they next see me. I want to be close to my goal. There's people there that will judge me if they see me at this stage. And I know they don't matter but I don't want to give them the opportunity. Plus, this is the year I turn 30. It's the year of my 10th wedding anniversary. I really really want this year to be the year I accomplish my goal. Not just working towards it but get there. I want to have really nice family photos taken, go on a little family trip and I want to be happy with how I look for the first time in my life.
But..... There's other times I look in the mirror and I feel proud of myself for what I've accomplished so far and I think, I don't need to obsess about this. I have more confidence now. I like myself better now. I don't need to pressure myself as long as I'm working towards my goals. Because I just beat myself up so much when I do that.
Eh I don't know. I can question all this all I want but I probably will continue not counting calories and not change that unless I just don't lose any weight for months. (Please don't let that happen). Because its just so far down on my priorities list. I just need to make sure I'm eating the way I want to eat. Plant based super foods. Very very little carbs from wheat products and limit refined sugar.
In other news, I'm proud of myself for getting in a 45 minute workout last night when I didn't feel like it. I need to get back to that, where I just do it and get it done whether I want to or not. Tonight I'm getting back to the y for Zumba and I haven't been since last week for Zumba which is sad but I was sick. So I'm gonna do better this week. I want to do EVERYTHING. it's still so hard to find that time. It's really really hard to leave my kids to go do but I'm gonna make it work. Today I'm gonna do Zumba and then we are going to have family time at the pool after. Tomorrow my plan is to get a run in and then take them to yoga sprouts. I think it's important for us to do active things together and for them to see me making exercise a priority.
My son is actually starting to eat vegetables. It's a MIRACLE!! At dinner we talk about how vegetable make you big and strong. So he'll eat a bite and then I'll feel his muscle and make a big deal about how I can feel it getting bigger. And we talk about how vegetables help us be able to play and run etc. last night we had cauliflower and we talked about how it is good for our brains and will make him smarter so he can become a scientist like the Hulk. He goes for it! But we still give him a treat if he eats all his dinner. I know some people say that's a no no but most days that's his biggest motivator. Anyway, I'm completely rambling now. Sorry! That's all.