Friday, January 18, 2013
I've been on and off Sparkpeople, lurking, not really participating because I felt like a phony since I'm not really doing anything. Not really eating well, not eating that bad, but living like I don't have a weight problem. Not working out.
I have been wondering when the desire to be strong, healthy, fit will overcome my inertia and lack of enthusiasm for "doing the work" to BE strong, healthy and fit.
Like someone else posted, I KNOW what to do, I just can't seem to get myself aligned to work towards something that I have said I wanted since I was in my early twenties and found myself obese.
The ridiculous part is I *LIKE* healthy food. I'm exhausted at the thought of all the prep work though, and I despise those pre-packaged diet "food" companies, so I am the one who HAS to prep the healthy food.
I understand I have an addictive personality and I'm an ADDiva on top of that (GOOD TIMES!) so that planning, organizing, being linear - these very important qualities are NOT in my arsenal.
What is utterly effortless for some people is impossible for me. I crave structure and totally despise it at the same time. I'm my own worst nightmare.
I am also not willing to accept my body as it is and choose to live my life with achy hips, a weak lower back, and being unable to keep up with my fit athletic husband or my boisterous nieces. I am a big supporter of Fat Acceptance - I don't want to be dismissed as a human being because I'm carrying more adipose tissue than what our society deems acceptable. I also love Health At Any Size, because frankly, I'm not here to end up posing in a bikini. I am not expecting to be as thin as I was in high school, because I had to STARVE in high school to be a 1980's size 10 (today's size 6, I think) . I am happy enough to just get my body to a healthier size and weight where I am not pre-diabetic, fatigued, low-energy, and huffin' and puffin' if I have to climb more than one flight of stairs.
So there I am in the middle --- not wanting to stay at this weight for deeper reasons than my vanity and not wanting to do the work to get on my way to where I would like to be. I want my Spark back. I wish the switch would flip. I don't want a health scare or some kind of threat to be the thing to "scare me straight" into positive behavior, I would like to make slow, daily, gradual one-day-at-a-time positive changes because I care about myself, and deeply respect my body and my life.
I want that care and self-respect to overcome this weird sabotage-y stubbornness.
I'm even thinking about doing witchcraft or listening to subliminal self-hypnosis CDs, that's how desperate I am -- not to lose the weight, mind you, but to CHANGE MY STUPID STINKING TRAITOR BRAIN. But hey, I've learned how to kind of change my stupid stinking traitor brain once before.
Someone told me in AA a few things I'm going to write here because they can apply to this situation :
1) BRING THE BODY, the mind will follow. Meaning I may not have WANTED to go to AA meetings or get sober, but I went to a meeting every day for over a year, and now I've been sober 17 years which leads me to the next gem....
2) You can't THINK yourself into right action, but you can act yourself into right thinking. Maybe instead of me sitting around waiting for my *DESIRE* to want to change to kick in, I just suck it up buttercup and make small positive changes today, right now. In fact, hold on a second....ok, I just took my Centrum supplement and the dosage of Vitamin D that my doctor says I need because my D is really low. That was a small positive thing that contributed to a healthy body. Whee! And if I put myself on the treadmill -- taking that action despite what I think about it...I will probably do a Couch-to-5K walk/run. And my thinking will change because it will go from, "I don't wanna exercise" to "I just exercised!"
3) Move a muscle, change a thought -- taking action - any kind - can get me out of my head and change my mood. Doing one small thing differently today can make a difference in how I'm thinking about my health - when I started this blog I was feeling whiny and defiant about having to cut up a bunch of vegetables or pre-grill a bunch of chicken breasts or write down a meal plan, but after reminding myself that it doesn't take a whole lot of effort AT ONE TIME to make a few positive steps in the right direction. For instance, I'm going to do some physical stuff at my job later that I was dreading, but now I can think of it as free exercise! Lifting boxes of files would be like squats and curls.
4) FAKE IT 'TIL YA MAKE IT -- I used to ask myself, "What would a happy sober woman do?" when confronted with a challenge or situation that seemed over my head. At the time I was asking myself that question, I was sober, but I sure wasn't happy, I was processing years of ignored emotional pain and trauma and thought I would never be "normal" or functional. In fact, I don't know why I'm whining about having to cut vegetables -- 17 years ago I was so wretched I could't even work a full day without several crying jags or having to write rage poetry. I wish I was exaggerating. Compared to my early sobriety, I am a sparkle rainbow unicorn of RIDICULOUS JOY, and if I had a choice between planning my meals and spending a little extra time in the kitchen or waking up 45 minutes earlier to get in a workout before work and being back in the fall of 1995, I would BEG for the things I'm whining about.
So the question I am going to ask myself today in the spirit of faking it until I make it, "What would a strong, fit and healthy woman full of self-respect do?"
I already know the answers:
1) She'd wink at herself in the mirror because she's awesome
2) She'd make sure she had plenty of water to drink and took her vitamins and medications every day, no skipping
3) She'd be sure that no matter where she went, she had something unprocessed/clean to eat and if that meant preparing a cooler to bring her own food, she'd do it.
4) She'd do at least 10 minutes of exercise a day, but obviously more most of the time.
5) She wouldn't sit around WAITING to be motivated, she'd do what she needed to do whether she felt like it or not, because her health is her priority.
Now, I can't promise myself to do all of that today, but if I'm going to fake it until I make it, I better start faking like I'm a strong, fit, healthy woman full of self-respect. Or a strong, fit, healthy sparkle rainbow unicorn full of self-respect.