Friday, January 18, 2013
I actually like the simple status "is". Some days that's the only status that one can manage. Show up.
Oh, by the way, "Hi, my name is Barb, and I am a compulsive overeater." That's a truth, a reality. This week, I'm not even going to call me recovering, because I've been close to and over the edge.
When the folks in OA talk about how we're insane when we're not abstinent? It's not a joke. It really is a form of insanity. It is where I go into this rebellious state, but not even entirely that, it's the state of "I don't care!" It's the state of questioning all the goals and desires that I hold dear. It's the state of "why try?"
And it can come back so quickly. Doesn't matter how long one's been "in recovery". And you don't want to talk to anyone about it, because you're ashamed that it's happening to YOU!
The way out of insanity is pulling out those goals and aims and getting real with yourself... "Who am I? What do I want? Why am I here (what is my purpose)?" It all comes back to that little center of the universe...
At its root, the rebellion, the don't care, is a turning away from the Higher Power in one's life. It's a false sense of SELF-reliance. To get back to sanity requires talking with a Higher Power and asking for the willingness... the ability will follow once the willingness is there.
So, today, that's all I'm asking. Just for today. The willingness.