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Friday, January 18, 2013

I actually like the simple status "is". Some days that's the only status that one can manage. Show up.

Oh, by the way, "Hi, my name is Barb, and I am a compulsive overeater." That's a truth, a reality. This week, I'm not even going to call me recovering, because I've been close to and over the edge.

When the folks in OA talk about how we're insane when we're not abstinent? It's not a joke. It really is a form of insanity. It is where I go into this rebellious state, but not even entirely that, it's the state of "I don't care!" It's the state of questioning all the goals and desires that I hold dear. It's the state of "why try?"

And it can come back so quickly. Doesn't matter how long one's been "in recovery". And you don't want to talk to anyone about it, because you're ashamed that it's happening to YOU!

The way out of insanity is pulling out those goals and aims and getting real with yourself... "Who am I? What do I want? Why am I here (what is my purpose)?" It all comes back to that little center of the universe...

At its root, the rebellion, the don't care, is a turning away from the Higher Power in one's life. It's a false sense of SELF-reliance. To get back to sanity requires talking with a Higher Power and asking for the willingness... the ability will follow once the willingness is there.

So, today, that's all I'm asking. Just for today. The willingness. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    OMG!! I had "is" as my status for the weekend I couldn't think of anything else to say. What deep thoughts over such a simple word.
    1884 days ago
    Oh girl! I do understand that insanity!
    One day at a time is pretty much what we can pray for. emoticon
    1885 days ago
  • _LINDA
    So sorry :( Your worry and stress may have temporarily weakened your resolve, but knowing you, you can face that demon and put it back in its cage as you have done many a time before. We are only human, and sometimes, we just have to let off a little steam!! The build up is too much and something has to give. This is not a failure, but a vent, an easing of the pressure. Soon, very soon, those simmering oats will be calling your name, and that relaxing zen run will be summoning you to its siren call.
    You can do it because you are stronger!
    1886 days ago
    Hang in there. Take one day at a time. I struggle with depression and it is a daily struggle to combat our evils. emoticon
    1886 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your struggle. It helps all of us become stronger and more resilient, including you!
    1886 days ago
    Barb, I was hopeful you would end up looking at a Higher Power.
    Your blog sounded familiar to me.
    I've never really struggled with over eating, my struggle was depression.
    6+ years ago I finally met my Higher Power, Jesus, and my life was changed, not all smooth, but I have help, a new perspective and seeing myself to be of value.
    Pray you'll bounce back quickly.
    1886 days ago
    You've a lot on your mind right now, my friend. Sometime "is" is enough.

    Have a wonderful weekend!
    1886 days ago
    Been there, on the whp cares, I don't care space. It can be so hard to move out of. I agree with and you say it so well.
    1886 days ago
    I kind of like the "is" too.


    The only way to fail is to stop trying. I have to tell myself this on what seem to be innumerable occasions too.

    1886 days ago
    one step backwards, two steps forward.
    1886 days ago
  • ANDI571
    If it wasn't for the Higher Power, I could never get through a day. Hi my name is Andi and I am a compulsive overeater. You are so right, it only takes one moment to head in a totally different direction. So it is through prayer and "His" strength that I have gotten as far as I have gotten. As soon as I take my own path, it gets ugly.
    1886 days ago
    So true!
    1886 days ago
  • DALID414
    Hi, I'm Dee and I'm a compulsive overeater.
    1886 days ago
    I wonder if over-indulging in anything suggests there's a void - not that rebellion and/or self-reliance might not be the 'cause', but it seems something might be out of balance - too much or too little - worry, free time, food or drink - whatever.

    I like the idea of willingness (being ready to do something without being forced) as a path to becoming centered. I also like the concept of ‘is’ – what a wonderful state to ‘be’ – and know you will find your way to your own equilibrium.

    Namaste my friend.
    1886 days ago
    1886 days ago
    That is so correct. All of it. It really is insanity that can sock us again out of the blue if we aren't very careful. I know it has me. And the simple status "is" is much better than just "was". It's the here and now.
    Hope the weekend goes better for you!
    1886 days ago
    I have 2 empty bags of cheese curls(4 servings), 20 Hershey kisses wrappers to prove my dinner in the car last night. And no water, nada to drink.
    A woe is me dinner.
    Nobody loves me everybody hates me dinner.

    Uh, I had the nobody loves me dinner 3 nights ago...chips and salsa, ice cream.

    The I love myself dinner tonight will be less out of a bag. Maybe more out of reality.

    It cycles, right? emoticon

    1886 days ago
    One Day at a Time Dear Jesus. emoticon

    At least, you are owning the problem. That is a part of recovery, in my mind! emoticon

    Keep on Keeping on! emoticon

    1886 days ago
    ((((((MAJOR HUGS))))))) Like Lynda said, you may fall, but you ALWAYS get back up. That's major. Hang in there. You're very aware of things so that's obviously the first step. Name it, claim it, tame it.

    Sending calming thoughts your way, Barb and know you're not alone. (I know you know that!)

    1886 days ago

    The willingness will return. I hope it returns for you soon. In the meantime, do the best you can to limit the damage, and don't beat yourself up for the best being less than you think it ought to be!
    1886 days ago
    That Self-reliance is a slippery surface on which to walk! When I rely only on myself, I can wind up in a heap of discouragement and disgust with the results of my rebellion. I'm so thankful that God forgives and restores - and that He has guided me to Sparkpeople who have provided some traction for getting up and moving forward!
    1886 days ago
  • GABY1948
    Barb, I relate totally! But I will say, emoticon , it takes us longer but it is a FACT. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1886 days ago
    I have been in the STATES of "I don't care!" and "why try?" more times than I can count (and also in the state of hearing DH say "you can't lose it, so stop beating yourself up about it"). BUT I've discovered the STATES of "I DO CARE" and "I AM DOING" and I like me much better! Thanks for a great post.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1886 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/18/2013 9:02:56 AM
    I understand the simple status "is"...some days there are no other words. Keep looking to your Higher Power for willingness (and I will, too). emoticon
    1886 days ago
    I'm here to recognize: you "are". And we are so glad you "are" with all your wisdom and candour and ability to acknowledge: this is an eternal struggle. And never vanquished. Always the potential to leap out and bite us in the bum!!

    You are. Magnificent would be the adjective that comes to mind.
    1886 days ago
    Oh, Barb. I feel for you. It is just so ongoing and unrelenting and forever and -- at least at times -- overwhelming. "It", of course, in this case is that desire to eat too much. Thanks for facing it and putting it out there. I was sitting here trying to decide if I wanted to face it or maybe blog about something more positive. There are positives. I ran yesterday. I'm going to do a 5K race tomorrow. I know in your situation, too, you could have focused on victory in another area, but you faced it head on. But the truth is I slipped last eve, too. But I'm back on it today. And I know you will find your willingness and if you aren't already eating your steel cut oats and berries or someother healthy, filling concoction, you will be soon.

    A wise woman once told me that the key to maintenance is getting back on program quicker. Look that wise woman in the mirror. You can do it!!!
    1886 days ago
    I am so with you on this. It is frustrating to be moving into the kitchen, picking up something that you really know you don't want to be eating but eating it anyway .... and not caring. The "fall down seven times, get up eight" is sometimes just the very best that we can hope for. The fact you keep getting up is a testament to how far you've come from the woman you used to be. She may lurk around in the corners of your life but she doesn't live there any more.

    Thanks for sharing that! That was very brave!
    1886 days ago
    Yes, ya gotta laff---and yu wouldn't be human if yu weren't tempted at times-----but--Yu always get back up----life can be tough in the most dreaded time of the yr--January-----Sometimes maybe its best to let it all hang out ---for a short time--then pick yerself up and carry on--LOL---Life IS-------LOL-------Anyway, I loves ya Barb!!!-Lynda emoticon
    1886 days ago
    send some of that my way some days I too ask for the willingness to keep going too and God will provide
    take care kido
    1886 days ago
    Isn't is amazing how quickly this can sneak up on you and threaten to ruin all your progress? Makes you wonder where it comes from and when it is going to leave. Hope it gets better soon! HUGS!
    1886 days ago
    Myself, I went away with the faeries (never "fairies," with this idiom) and reflected on Firesign Theatre: "What is reality?" "Who cares?"

    Ya gotta laff sometimes, Barb, ya gotta laff...
    1886 days ago
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