Thursday, January 17, 2013
1) your body itself is completely neutral. It causes nothing: it is completely an effect, not a cause
2) neither poor diet nor lack of exercise are the cause of your excess weight. Mind is cause; body is effect. The cause of your excess weight is in your mind
3) the cause of your excess weight is fear, which is a place in your mind where love is blocked
4) fear expresses itself as subconscious urges, which then expresses themselves as either excessive and/or unhealthy eating habits and/or resistance to proper exercise. The ultimate effect of this - that is, excess weight - will only be permanently and fundamentally healed when the fear itself is rooted out
As I worked out tonight and began to watch the new season of The Biggest Loser, I couldn't help, but agree with what the contestant said how we have been treating ourselves like we were worthless for so long. It's so true. I've been mistreating myself since I was little. It was my sick way to escape the hell I was in from a mother that emotionally abused me. I finally got the courage to turn my back on her right before the beginning of the new year a few days before Christmas. I was seeing a life coach and we determined that the reason I was holding myself back from losing the weight stemmed from my relationship from my mom. I had stopped speaking to her for a little over a year and we started seeing a therapist. I had a lot of anger issues and resentment towards her over how she mistreated me as a child. I left therapy to try and heal and found Louise Hay and her book You Can Heal Your Life. Once I read this book I was able to heal and forgive my mother for all the past hurts and accept her for who she was. I started reading Anthony Robbins books and found a life coach who lives by his methods to find why I was still holding myself back, especially in the weight department. I thought what I was wanting was unconditional love from my mother. I started hanging out with her and giving her unconditional love. In the process I found out what I was really looking for from her was love and acceptance and I realized that I didn't really want it anymore. I found that when I hung out with her I would compromise myself, hearing her judge others for the mistakes they made, belittling them for their mistakes, and also how she was so put upon by all these damaged people, mainly just it being the people in our family. It was my brother and how bad he was for pushing her when he got upset at her. It was my aunt and how bad of a mother she was for ignoring her children by concentrating on her business, how she mistreats my mother, and how she is the cause of her daughter's mental illness. Then it was about my brother-in-law and how it was so wrong of him not to get tested for cancer and he's paying the price for being in stage 4 melanoma. It was endless and I didn't feel good inside hearing all these things and lying to myself and to her that she was so right, poor dear. I realized that this love and acceptance, to obtain it, was costing me big time. I realized that I was enabling her, trying to rescue her by mothering her and it was sick and twisted. I told her I loved and respected her, but I had to begin to love and respect myself by being true to me. I feel ugly when I judge others. I'm the last person that needs to judge especially with everything that I got to deal with, mainly in the weight department. I sent a massive e-mail out to everyone she talked about in front of me and apologized for lying and judging them and letting them know I loved and respected them. It was like a great weight was lifted off of me. I found the courage to speak up and say enough is enough. Now with that being behind me I need to find the courage that I had to speak up and say enough is enough with treating myself as if I was still worthless and unworthy of love. I know it stems from fear that I have in me, fear of accepting that I could actually become more than what I have been taught to think about myself.