Thursday, January 17, 2013
Well I'm a blogging fool today! I'm feeling really stressed out in my diet life and personal life so sometimes it just helps to blog and get it off my chest. A bit lengthy....
My brother is a very serious source of frustration and stress to me when he shouldn't be. I don't know how to describe him to you. Our parents were overly (I mean insane over the top but with good intentions) strict when we were growing up. I dealt with life fine after high school and being on my own and having freedom..... my brother was one of those lost souls that just went crazy with the freedom. He had a FULL RIDE to college.... instead he spent all of his money on tattoos and quit going to class. He dropped out of school. He then jetted off to the east coast and married a random girl he met on facebook. 1 year later and a divorce he has a child under his belt and no job. He stayed on the east coast for several years working odd jobs but never full employment. He is completely unmotivated and has tattoos on his face neck and hands which you can't cover... and sorry to lay out the facts, it severely limits your job possibilities unless you work in certain industries or are self employed. He borrowed money from me (keep in mind I'm his YOUNGER sister) and would disappear, not answer phone calls, and always promise the money was on its way.
He broke up with girlfriend number whatever and had my parents fly him back home to New Mexico because he had no where else to go (given my parents are school teachers and don't have the extra funds to be getting him out of every little situaiton he gets in). He had no one else to mooch off of over there and needed a place to go. He gets home and is looking for a "job." My parents catch him trying to deal drugs (minor marajuana) from their house. I can't tell you how much this disgusted me. My mom has serious heart issues and so does my dad and they didn't need that kind of stress. I found him a job through my husband (in Texas where he didn't know anyone and could start fresh) and told him to live with us for a month and get out on his own.
The job was as a machinist. He had absolutely no experience even in welding but were willing to train since my husbad said he would be okay to learn. My husband holds a status job with this shop and it was really sticking his neck out for someone he had only met ONCE. I think it means a lot to not just have a job but to also learn a skilled trade as well. We let him borrow a spare phone line we had on our plan with a brand new Iphone. He was given our rules.... no messing up with the wrong crowd.... get to work.... get out on your own. After several months of not saving his money towards a car or apartment and completely trashing my house, it was time to go. Not to mention the last straw of finding on our borrowed phone where he was trying to deal drugs while living in our house. The only place that would take him without a cosigner was a public housing place right across the street from where he worked. I felt bad since the place was trashy and co-signed on a small house for him, since, after all he promised and promised to straighten up. My husband got him for work every morning often being late since he was never ready to go. After 7 months, still not a DIME saved for a car but decided it was time to jet off on a vacation to the east coast to visit friends. Out of sheer frustration of having to take him everywhere all the time.... we managed to get a VERY NICE Explorer for him from my husband's grandpa for a super cheap price. We arranged for him to get a loan from work.
So now, he has a job, a house, and a car all because of myself and my husband. He constantly comes to work high smelling like marajuana, late, or not at all because he gets "sick" about twice a month. He gets caught constantly messing up but instead of fixing things he just tries to "out smart" the system. I'm so far done dealing with him. I've had talk after talk after talk with him and nothing changes.
Sorry to vent but needed to type some stuff out.... anyone else have ungrateful relatives?
Member Comments About This Blog Post
WOW! I could rant too love, but I made this a negative free year. I want to rant so bad I really do, but I think you did enough for me too. I don't have that going on, my brothers are great. It was my older 1/2sister for me years and years ago, but now she is on point. Met the right guy has a child, and happy as she can be. Sometimes she needs a little hush money, because she might have messed up some bill money -but she always pay me back. Slowly, but it comes back. She always uses the word LOAN. I told her one time. If you ask me I'll give it to you. No loan ties if it's a reasonable amount of money. No more than 100 dollars. If you say loan. You are talking about 300+ and she's always talking about 300+, but it's only once a year now right around winter time. Her husband is great, a keeper in my book, but I think she is growing tired of this man and is saving get away money for her and the kid. Who knows... But i told her the other day. The bank is closed, because I need 3.5% return back on my money I give out, because that's blood, sweat, and tears and a busted back for that cash she's spending. So, one day he will get it together, but I think he should hit rock bottom... Rock Bottom is always homeless or jail...
1616 days ago
What they said. He's got a sweet deal right now thanks to you, and won't change because he has all he wants. Your continued support is just prolonging this stage of his life. I know it's hard to let them fall, but he needs it if he's ever going to change. It will be hard on you to quit giving, especially once he really gets desperate, but if you don't, he may be this person the rest of his life.
1618 days ago
Wow this really got me! I can PERSONALLY relate! I have an older brother that sounds like he could be your brothers long-lost twin! Drugs, police, no job (he's 31 and I can't remember him every holding down a job for more than 3 months). The only difference is that I am done with him, and so is my other brother (27). However, my MUM is the one who is enabling his behaviour. He still lives with her, took/takes drugs, she gives him money, she bails him out of thousands and thousands of pounds of debt, pays his court fees when he's been in trouble with the police, if she's going on holiday she'll buy him a ticket to go too (once he even decided on the day that he doesn't want to fly anymore! Money wasted). The list goes on. It's so hard to sit and watch because it's just not fair on her, just like it is NOT fair on you or your husband. He is NOT your responsibility. Sometimes we try and tell my mum that he needs to hit rock bottom to be able to make his way up. Rock bottom might just be being flung out on the street with no money and no house, OR ending up in jail. But so be it.
Our brothers needs a serious reality check. They need to feel how hard it is at rock bottom to even be able to think about fixing themselves up. The more you help him, the more he knows he can do whatever he wants and get away with it because you will always be there to pick up the pieces. As hard as it may be, you can't bring yourself down for him. Like someone else said, why should you make yourself financially unstable just because of him? You and your husband sound like you work d*mn hard for what you've been able to accumulate and for making your lives how you want it to be, setting yourselves up for the future...who is he to come and jeopardise that?!
Sorry that this has turned into a bit of a rant. Just want you to know I understand, and it is hard. But I would hate to see you brought down because of your kindness.
1618 days ago
So sorry. That is hard to deal with.
1618 days ago
Agree. He suffers from "learned helplessness". Let him know that you'll always love him and then kick him to the curb. Throw in a good dose of guilt. Use your Zen face: "You hurt my feelings deeply and repeatedly. If you don't love me the way I love you, then go away." *turns on heel and walks away serenely* (Then you go hide in your closet and sob your heart out over it if needed.)
You cannot MAKE anyone do anything (I have 2 sons. I know this in my bones by now). You CAN make them feel a little of your pain and your concern. What they do with those feelings is up to them. Some people will take the remorse and rebuild their lives around it. Some will mutter about what a beetch you are and carry a grudge. *shrug* It's rough.
At least it's not your child causing this strife.
1618 days ago
Comment edited on: 1/18/2013 9:36:44 AM
I agree with Snowjester. You and your family are HELPING him be what his is. Because of all the things you do for him, you are preventing him from ever growing up and taking responsibility for his own actions. You can be sure he's not paying child support for his kid.
If he can't get to work or do his job, he'll get fired - but it's his own fault. Take away the phone, let him pay his own rent, take back the car. Don't go into debt for him, don't cosign anything for him.
Did you know that you will be financially responsible for whatever you cosigned for, including the house - because you know he won't pay for it. He'll walk away free and clear, or drive away in that car, and you will be forced to pay for it. It may ruin your credit rating so you will have to pay higher interest rates, or even go bankrupt - all because of him.
Do you have the money to pay for everything you gave him, or are you risking your own financial status just to help him out? What good will it do if you lose your house, your husband loses his job - all because your brother is a loser & manipulator? You are not helping him. It's the same situation as having an alcoholic in the house and you're providing the booze. You think you're doing it out of the goodness of your heart, but in reality he is manipulating all of you, and laughing at all of you for being fools.
If he gets arrested and sent to jail for selling drugs - it's his own fault. You and your parents cannot live his life for him or continue to make excuses for him. He is taking advantage of all of you, and your husband is risking his own job by vouching for your brother.
He obviously has money because he can take a vacation, or he's just using charge cards that he'll never pay off, unless you give him the money.
It's time to cut him loose. No matter how much more you do for him, he will never appreciate it, he will never take responsibility for his own life - why? Because you all will do it for him, and as long as you help him out, he never has to. If you don't stop it now, you'll still be taking care of him when he's 60.
1618 days ago
Whoa! He trashed your house, dealt drugs from it, made your husband late for work repeatedly, and you rewarded him with a car and a house? You're a serious enabler. He's never going to stop if you don't stop rewarding his bad behavior. Why would he, he's got it made. Talks aren't going to cut it with this one...you need to just stop.
1618 days ago
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