Thursday, January 17, 2013
Ballet was really tough last night and it was frustrating. The main target of my frustration is my weight. You will see that I have added my age into the title of my blog, I do think it will be significant to people that I am actually doing ballet at this age and size, but it isn't my age holding me back from doing things in class. There are people in our class I think are older than me but they are all average sized or slimmer and they can do it all.
The reality for me is that I am dripping sweat from head to foot, to get technical, I can't do grand plie because it would be too much for my knees at this weight, there was a another move last night I could not do for the same reason. I can't handle many of the releve work (up on the ball of your feet) because the weight is too much for my feet and ankles to handle. I can't bend as far as anyone else and I can't jump when we do center work unless it is not far off the floor. I also have to look at my ginormous self in the mirror from every angle and my tummy is HUGE. From the side I look like the side of a house.
Last night there was also a frightening moment. At one point I just moved wrong, for a moment there was a lapse in concentration and a pain shot through my back and hip, it was very scary but I was able to continue. One wrong movement and I could be toast. This is, without doubt, the hardest thing I have ever done.
Today I am in pain everywhere and hoping that tonights swim really helps to ease that pain. I have thrown myself in the deep end this week with workouts and I am longing to see results on the scales. I am also longing to look in that mirror and see myself smaller.
If I can push myself to do this.. I promise.. you CAN push yourself harder than you thought possible. There is something that you can do that maybe you have to modify but you can do even if you are not at your ideal weight yet.
Next blog will be about positivity and keeping inspiration high.