Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I've written before about change. The physical discomfort of it, the emotional discomfort of it, the desirability of it. Change, of course, starts with desire and that desire then leads to the actual changes as long as you go after what you are desiring.
For years I desired happiness in my life. I desired to smile, to feel joy, to lose weight, to run without so much discomfort. To have a life that didn't include turmoil, unnecessary pain and cruelty. I knew for years that the only way I would get out of the chaoticness was to completely remove myself from it. I had the desire, just didn't think I knew how to make the change and was most certainly scared to death of it. The threat of failure was dangled in front of me not only from another, but also by me because I listened to someone other than myself.
As I have now crossed the 3 year mark of making that change, I look at what I had to do, what I had to lose and everything I gained from it. I lost a few things that at one time meant so much to me, I allowed myself to get lost in trying to keep them. Perspective is something that amazes me all the time. That a simple tweak in the way you think of something, can make such a world of difference in the outcome. I am grateful each and every day for that tweak I experienced that turned my world upside down and pointed me to a healthy and productive life that I cherish and protect with everything in me. I look back and see a woman that I don't recognize, yet have learned my life's biggest learning lesson from so I appreciate everything about her.
Change has become an essential part of my life. I still don't always like it, but I am not scared of it anymore. I have learned to appreciate the pain and discomfort it causes, because, to me, that shows me it's working in some way...and I don't always know what the reward will be and that's become exciting and something I look forward to with my eyes wide open now.