Wednesday, January 16, 2013
So my grandma died on Friday. We'll get back to that later.
I walked outside today at work to get something from my car. Not only was it dark (yes, i had forgotten the sun sets) but there was snow every where. It was there when I got to work but the sun was out and I just ignored it. (Denial. My favorite coping tool.) So I saw the snow and having become more in tune with my emotions and my physical reactions to them since starting my journey, I immediately noticed my shoulders drop and I could feel a frown on my face. My stomach flipped and internally I was sad. WHAT'S THIS????
I've always hated January and February. When I look back, I can rarely remember them. This year, for the first time ever, I'm literally depressed. The winter blues. I've never experienced this before or have I?
I wouldn't know. I've spent much of my life putting my head in the sand or partaking in activities that allow me to avoid negative emotions (including boredom created by cold weather). I hate feeling this way. It makes me angry and annoyed. I don't want to deal with winter. I hate snow. I hate cold. I hate being stuck indoors. I hate not seeing the sun after about 5:30 p.m. I hate getting back to real life after the holidays. I literally wanted to cry and scream like a little brat when I realized I couldn't do what I usually do to chase away boredom (eat and drink) because it interferes with my weight-loss goals. I'm still mad as I write this but I don't have a choice. Today is the a do or die for me, which brings me to the loss of grandma.
The first thing I wanted to do when I heard she was ill was eat to calm my nerves. Then when I found out she had died, I had to travel to her hometown (about four hours away). I went into panic mode. I knew I would not have a place to workout or maybe even time. I got in a workout Friday before leaving and I took my workout clothes hoping the weather would hold and I could get in a walk.
It all went to hell when I actually got there. I ate like crap. Not only bad food but crazy hours. We very rarely had a chance for breakfast. It was an endless stream of visiting and visitors. There was always a beer to be drunk or a plate of food waiting. I came back today feeling like a cow and a little disappointed I didn't find a way to handle it better. I didn't know how to eat healthy and exercise in that situation. I'm trying to evaluate and see if there were areas I could have made different choices. To top it off, we were in a small town that has limited food choices. For example, we went to Pizza Hut and I ordered a salad. It came with lettuce, cheese and croutons. That's it. No other vegetables and no low-fat dressings.
So here I go today back to the gym and hopefully I don't die. I don't really feel like it because it's cold and I'm hungry and I'm pissed but I suppose I'll do it anyway.