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    CKMATHERLY   22,386
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Why is it when you FINALLY get to being okay, CRAP happens?

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

It's been a sad week. My BF is on a tangent still from Sat. that I have a pot smoking lover, due to a butt (smelled like moldy wet paper to me) he found on my back patio. And he's flu-ish. Sometimes I want to just throw up my hands and give up.

The jealousy thing just gets to me. To me it's him calling me a whore slut. He obviously thinks I'll lay down with anything and everything every chance I get. He reads too many "Adult stories" online. Really, MY DOG! ick. It's funny the extreme stupidity that some of the stuff he comes up with, but hurtful at the same time.

And what can I do? Live in a locked room? Have a floaty survillence camera follow me around 24/7? Please none of the "If he doesn't trust you, you should leave him." He trusts no one. I apparently hook up with his own father when he takes the dogs out to pee. It's that bad.

I was okay friday night. All happy and cuddly and snuggly. He trimmed down the goatee and mustache and looked so good, couldn't keep my hands off him. I was even getting over the whole Thane dies thing (never completely over that, shaking fists at BioWare). Everything I do, that is not directly involving him, is a cover for sex with other people (women too). Yes we have orgies at work. I really want to hit him. He got all up in my face over it.

He's depressed and paranoid. He says all he has is his dogs, his family and me. No friends, no job. His family will take care of the dogs. That he's useless and worthless and of course I'm going to find someone else. And if I am cheating on him it won't be pretty. REALLY SERIOUSLY.

Me...I have no self esteem. I'm fat (okay, not really, but it's my issue) and ugly and no man other than him has ever really wanted me. They used me till I was no use to them anymore or someone better came along or it was so bad I couldn't rationalize it away anymore.

Yeah, I'm pimping with my men. At home, in my video games and anime, maybe. ( I only have 2 fan girl crushes and one is his fault and fairly new.) Add that to he's sick and I get SUPER SAYIAN UBER GRUMPY DREW! It makes me CRAZY sometimes. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Scream therapy)

Due to this and my video game sexy boy toy's fate, I am sad. I am not eating, not sleeping, and not taking care of the house and barely taking care of the pets. Not wanting to leave the house. All I wanted was to take BF some juice and soup and yummies on my way home yesterday and he took my head off. A less trusting person would be very suspicious of the adamant "Don't come to my house!"

So I went home, put the milk and juice in my frig and played stupid ME3 and got to were my boy toy dies. Not a bad death, one he would have wanted, but still a death. His son annoyed me. The dialogue for my character was not written by a woman and by someone with no emotional attachment to the character at all. Pissers. Could have been so much better...but honestly, I wouldn't have gone off the save the galaxy once I found him again. Glad I'm not really Shepard...BUT I do have a will to play the game now. I have a Cerberus Assassin to kill as slowly and painfully as I am allowed to by BioWare. My paragon status be damned.

THEN, I realize one of the cutest side thingies from ME2 ends in tragedy and I am pissed. I think BioWare is all about making women cry. NOOOOOO! CHARR! YOU B*$TARD$!

I'm sure that made little to no sense to anyone who hasn't played this series, so don't worry. I just really need to vent a bit and to get more female gamer friends...

So, how to relate this melo-novel to Spark...I'm not eating so I should be dropping some pounds, I hope. But I'm not moving, hell, I am barely breathing. It's funny, no wrecking sobbing fits, but just numb. I so need to get out of this funk! I'm sure you guys will be ecstatic to not have me raving about a Video game anymore. LOL

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PEANUTSMOM96 1/18/2013 8:01PM

    Sounds like you both need to seek some professional help (be it a doctor, clergy, support group, etc). A relationship should be one of mutual respect and caring. Sometimes you just need to step aside and take care of yourself. You should love yourself first, if you can't do that you can't love anyone else. You are a wonderful person and should be supported and embraced for that.

emoticon Get yourself to a good place and everything else will align with you.

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POMATOJUICE 1/16/2013 11:23PM

    I'm really sorry about all the BF troubles. It seems that he's been in this depression for a really long time. I know he's against it, and I know you've tried hard to get him to get help, but he really does need it. It's really hard to deal with things like this when you love someone so much, and they aren't treating you properly. You don't want to hear the "You deserve someone better" speech, I'm sure. The whole situation just makes me sad. My husband and I go through stuff, but it's honestly way more good than bad. We've been living together almost 14 years now. It's sometimes like a rollercoaster, but he's always considerate and willing to listen aobut my feelings.

I do get involved with my videogame characters too. I already told you about that OTHER OTHER bioware game where I got attached to my interest in Dragon Age. (They wouldn't let me date my choice in Dragon Age II, so I wasn't as involved in that one). I love videogames as an art form, and as entertainment, but it can also be emotional therapy. When I play the newer Persona games, I get really wrapped up in the social links. You develop relationships with each character, and you can choose your interactions with them. In a way, it's a surrogacy for things we may be missing in our real lives. I consider these types of games just supplements, though.

(Incidentally, If you like being able to cultivate these kinds of relationships with your characters, try out Persona 3& 4! I really love them. 3 is on PS2 with a re-release on the PSP. It has the option of being a female MC in the PSP release. Persona 4 also released on PS2, and was re-released on the PSVita. Lots of extra content, but no female MC option for 4)

When you come back to the real world, you shouldn't have to be worried about constantly getting yelled at, accused of cheating, or essentially being called a ho. It's just not right. You need to start believing that you DO deserve more than what you are getting. Your relationship with that guy just sounds so damaging! I'm not saying things can't work with him, but it sounds like a massive task. He needs some help :( I do understand how hard it is to try to get someone to get help when they don't think they need it. It really does seem impossible sometimes. He's gotta be willing to change, though, or it just won't happen. At that point, how much abuse do you take? Sometimes that's the toughest personal challenge of all.

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