That little shimmer of hope? It's not a mirage. A mirage is an optical illusion, what I am seeing, is the future. I am seeing what I WILL become.
I think I am back for good this time. I said several times before that, "Oh this girl is BACK!" and just didn't mean it with my whole heart. I'd say it, but I wouldn't work out, I wouldn't track my food, and the next day I'd forget all about it with the bite of pizza.
I think this time I am back because I feel like I am ready to take on this challenge, and take off the pounds. I have so much to lose, and so much more to gain.
Last night I made my "to go" and "gone!" jars with marbles representing each pound I have to lose. (Not my idea,source !!)
I am also making a motivation board, with goals, quotes, pictures of body parts that are in the shape I want mine to be in at the end of my journey. Matt (my better half, even though we're not actually married, we just live together, do everything together, and have been together for over 5 years) has been informed that he is not allowed to make any type of comment that may be derogatory - not that he would, but just in case -about my motivation board, and he cannot say, "are you suppose to have that?" if I eat something that some might not consider 'diet' (because with Spark, I can have ANYTHING I WANT, with moderation
The fact that I am doing this, and have committed more time in preparing for this journey is convincing me that I really CAN do this. I know I can. I couldn't see myself healthy before. I would see myself naked in the mirror and think, "oh god, why!??! Why do I look like a blob that should be on the front of an R.L. Stine or Stephen King novel!"
Now I know that these things I don't like.. aren't permanent. the 'blob' effect, is reversible. There are things I actually DO like about myself. I like my eyes. and my nose. and that I have small hands. But I couldn't see that before. All I could see what what I didn't like. I know that these things CAN and WILL be changed.
Now, I get excited, not jealous, looking at other people's before and after pictures because I KNOW that I WILL have some of myself eventually.
I can visualize myself being thin and active. and to all the things I am going to say goodbye to: Screw you :)
I will to learn to RUN, my knee is NOT going to get the better of me. (Screw you arthritis!)
I will wear cute, smaller CLOTHES! (Screw you plus sizes!)
I will be on TOP DURING SEX without feeling paranoid!!! (SCREW YOU, BORING, MISSIONARY SEX!)
I will have fun going to the bar seeing Matt play in the band (Screw you, sitting at the table alone!)
I will go to one of my class reunions, even though I HATED my class (SCREW YOU, EVERYONE OF YOU THAT CALLED ME FAT IN SCHOOL!!!!)
I'm dropping everything, and everyone who has held me back in the past, and I am going to PUSH my way forward. With a little help and motivation from the few friends I trust, I will drop the 110 pounds, and I will feel - dare I say it - sexy.
110. That is a lot of weight. and I don't want to hear one. single. person. in my life say to me, "oh my gosh, no, that's too much," or, "you'll blow away!" or my favorite, "you won't look right, that skinny."
My question is, HOW do they know what I will look like? Do they not REALIZE I weigh 244 pounds? 110 pounds will put me at 134, which is not underweight.
Another reason these comments bother me is because no one has ever seen me at this weight. I'm between 5'6" and 5'7" and don't remember ever being near that. At 14, I was 200 lbs, with two overweight parents. (that's another story!)
So, I guess I should wrap this blog/rant up by saying this:
To anyone who doubts my dreams, goals, wishes, or has anything to say that might inhibit my efforts, I thank you for your concern and respectfully say
Sassy Ashley (eventually to be Sexy, Skinny, Scrumptious, Sassy Ashley.)