Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I struggle so much with an anxiety disorder, that really seems to attract negative thinking about myself. I let myself wander into the "What if's" about everything. And I often come to conclusions that are way over the top, that cause me to worry when it isn't worth worrying about. I spend a lot of time, thinking I know what someone else is thinking of me. And it causes me to think the worst about myself. I spend a lot of time, thinking I will never be what I want to be, because I'm not worth it.
It is time for me to kick that thinking to the side. It is time to change the thinking to something more positive. It is time to learn to calm the anxiety's and see life for what it is, not my weird negative perceptions. The journey of losing weight isn't just about the exercise and eating for me, it is also a mental and emotional journey. It is about small victories every day and so I hope many of my upcoming blogs will be about my small victories!
Today's Victory - I woke up late, because I slept through my alarm. I started to wonder if I had time to get my exercise in before getting my son up for school. But I didn't want to miss out on my exercise, because I knew if I waited it probably wouldn't get done, because I was going to have a busy afternoon. I finally put my workout clothes on, but a bunch of little stupid things happened that kept slowing me down even more, until I just felt frustrated. I decided on a 30 minute Tae bo video that I have. After the first 3 minutes, I started having excuses come into my mind, like "you don't have time for this, or you are to tired today." Then I started feeling "Why do I keep starting challenges I never finish," and "Why am I even trying". I almost turned off the workout, because I had those same anxiety driven feelings that I always have. But then I found another voice. And it said "Don't quit on yourself", "You can do this", "Just take it one step at a time". And so I let that voice speak louder than the negative one. I clung onto it, and soon I found myself at the end of my 30 minutes. I would like to say I immediately felt better, but I found myself frustrated by what time it was, and wondered if I could keep my exercise going every day. But then I realized my victory in getting my workout in today. So I wanted to take a moment and celebrate that today I found the strength to exercise, to overcome negative thinking long enough to get my workout in.
I know I have many days ahead, and it may not be easy, but one day at a time, I will figure this out. I will declare victory! I don't want to give up on myself this time. So here is to many more victories ahead.