Wednesday, January 16, 2013
This week has been a hard week for my perception of my body.
I haven't always had good (okay fine, medium) self-esteem and sometimes those haunting old thoughts and phrases scrape through the box I've buried. Sometimes I catch it before I dive into a bucket of icecream, but sometimes they fester and grow and morph in fron tof my very eyes.
And when you're pregnant, suddenly you are a body. I am no longer strong, capable, funny or beautiful. I am pregnant. I am pregnant. I am pregnant.
And when you are pregnant, certain parts of your body protrude.
And when part protrude, they become part of the public space.
And when they become part of the public space, they become part of the public property.
Didn't know that? Then I promise you aren't a very busty person, because thanks to my chest, I am constantly groped, grabbed, brushed and commented on.
And now, it's all about my belly.
But not in the way you'd think.
No one can see that I am pregnant.
and it's very hurtful.
I'm a big girl, but I CLEARLY have a protruding belly.
It's hard. It's round. It's nothing like a fat belly.
But people don't have a problem commenting that I haven't popped yet, and still look fat.
I'm told I'm gaining weight when I eat poorly (8 pounds is all I've gained so far). I'm told I am looking too skinny when I have a salad for lunch.
I'm constantly critiqued or criticized for my body- as either too big or too small and it's reeking havoc on my body image. I don't know right now if I'm a lovely pregnant lady, or if I just look fat. Or if I look too small. Or too wide. Or too low. Because apparently the jury is still out.
And because of the culture I live, I get comments from friends, family, coworkers, clients and strangers without restrain.
Plus, I'm pretty much a hormonal wreck this week. Changing doctors was a very important step, and one I recognize that I have to do, but the idea of a new person knowing me so intimately scares me deeply. The anxiety is high at the moment, and so these comments are not viewed in the most positive light.
I suppose it's extra sad for my heart because I had always hoped I'd be pregnant. Pregnant and radiant. Not with swollen feet and a fat belly. I would be the glowing lovely girl. And while I try to be, and try to view myself as this person- other people don't see that.
It's a tough one for me. This tightrope between being fat and pregnant.