My Weight Bio
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I have NEVER been skinny. I have a "big bone" build and I am 5'7. However, I am at the highest weight I've ever been at up to this point and I have never felt more disgusted.
My parents never kept much junk food in the house and chips were only served at parties or for a quick dinner with a burger. My mom didn't bake so we never really had sweets either. And as far as genetics, my dad was always skinny, as was my mother (until she got in her 40's--she started getting chunky then!) So WTH??!! How come I never got to be thin like them?!! I did have my thyroid tested and the results were normal. So now I realize my weight came from my poor eating/exercise choices over the years--ya know...the usual reason!!
I can remember dieting when I was in my teens--using Slim Fast. But that failed after a few days-- I just couldn't do the whole not eating, only drinking crappy tasting fake shakes! When I got pregnant with my daughter, 17 years ago, I actually LOST weight since I was pretty much nauseated the entire day for months and just didn't have many cravings and ate minimal to make sure she was healthy. The same with my son who was born 23 months later. After his birth, I slowly started gaining weight....again.
I experimented with diet pills but I would forget to take them. I tried the Atkins Diet but couldn't stick to it--too many restrictions, I went to WW in 2006 and lost 30 lbs. I needed the support and accountability. I felt great! I got down to 230 lbs which, was still a lot but was my best weight in a long time. I felt like I had control over my eating, then my mom got very sick (almost died on a ventilator) and I started emotional eating.
My weight shot up again over the past few years, I tried more "dieting"--trying the 17-day-diet, which worked for as long as I could stick to it. But diets don't work for me. I'm too hard headed and stubborn and when I want something, I want it. LOL I found I do better eating what I want in moderation. However, over the past few years, the whole "moderation" thing totally has gone out the window. Plus, it really doesn't help with people always telling me "oh, you don't LOOK like you weigh as much as you do!" and the doctors telling me, "you carry your weight well" I used it as an excuse to eat as I wanted since, according to others, I didn't LOOK that big! ....yeah right.
I guess it also didn't help that when I went for my physical 18 months ago to become a Parole Agent they did an EKG, all blood work (cholesterol, sugar, etc.), hearing tests, eye test, blood pressure, etc and I came out healthy as a horse. All normal....which is good! But it gave me yet another "excuse" to eat as I wanted since...hmmm....I am "fat" but since all my tests are normal I must be ok!
I LOVE food. I love the taste of food, I love trying different foods, I'm a "meat and potatoes" gal...don't get me wrong, I do like veggies, but I rarely eat them. I LOVE eating out and we do....at least 3 to 4 times a week. And when we go out, I don't order fish or salads, I go for the cheesy spinach artichoke dip app (there's veggies in that, right???!!!) and a burger or steak. And I HATE diet sodas...yuck. About the only one I can stomach is diet Dr. Pepper (cherry). So of course I would order Pepsi or whatever other cola they had. Only recently to wean myself off, I started asking the waitress to give me half and half (half diet, half regular).
Right now...I feel gross. When I see pictures of myself I get disgusted looking at my double chin and fat-hanging-out-everywhere body. My clothes don't fit as good as they used to, my knees are starting to ache...which just started recently, and my spanx are not going to hold this muffin top in much longer! Overall, I feel horrible about myself and I'm just not happy.
The positive thing is that I HAVE THE ABILITY TO CHANGE IT ALL!!! I'm ready. Let's do this fellow BLC-ers!
Me at my favorite NY winery!
Member Comments About This Blog Post
1576 days ago
Oh Eileen......We so GOT this! You know, it goes beyond weight. It's about health. Staying active, making smarter choices and just being present in this lifestyle change! We do these things our BODIES will know it and THANK US!
1607 days ago
You are so flippin' cute Eileen. Cute and fun and lovable and smart and you have it going on girlfriend. A single mom to two awesome kids, a great job. You have done all that. YOU!!!! I want you to think about all you have done and all you are and totally embrace yourself and love yourself woman! I hear everything you are saying girl. Every word. I too love food and I want someone to find some reason that I don't lose weight. You know I used to half hope they would find something wrong that would be an eye opener for me instead of a bajillion auto immune things that have NOTHING to do with weight gain because then just maybe I'd get it through my thick head that it's better for me to lose. Then the day came when I was told I was borderline diabetic and I was @**#!'d cuz even THEN I wasn't as in your face wide awake you HAVE to do this as I hoped I might be. Nope. There is no pill, patch, potion for what we need girl. But on the other hand, we have what we need....each other! And for your kids and that hottie man of yours and for ease of doing your job and promotions and moving up that ladder with more ease and most absolutely important for YOU..... You CAN and you WILL lady. You've got this. Bring it!
1607 days ago
You can do this.
1607 days ago
So glad you joined the Island/BLC this round. Together, we can motivate and help each other reach our goals
1608 days ago
Well the first step is realizing that you are not happy and the second step is doing something about it! So you are definitely on the right track! You can do anything that you believe you can do!
1612 days ago
Oh Eileen... you are so freakin' adorable!! Girl, don't waste another minute hating your body. Work with it and do the right thing everyday to make it work well for you. That excess will go away and what is left will have always been there, supporting you as you go through your life. So love what it gives you, and lose what's working against you.
I can't wait to see your success. You can do it, my friend. Yes you can!!! Make it happen. Don't waste another minute in misery. Look up! We're here for you!
1614 days ago
step one, admit you have a problem and need help! Think you got that one down!! I know I sure do after 50 some years of dieting and feeling ugly also!
I think I was 40 something when I finally saw a picture of that said I was gorgeuos then gave them all away! lol I think my Dear husband got the last batch. I was overweight in that picture and not obese as I am now.
so let's continue on this journey togehter eliea. got stpe one done! what's the next baby step? loving you? giving up sodas? Fskipping 2 nights of eating out? I know you have the keys to your success and hope we find them together. I am still looking for many myself!
hugs lady, I am lining up beauty day on the isladn, hair, nails, what else shall we include? how about a full length mirror and endless closet of latest fashion in everyone's size!!! woohoo!
1618 days ago
Thank you all for you positive comments and information. I appreciate it all and it helps me to want to "keep pushing" even more! I LOVE all of you and SP for that! Motivation and accountability are key for me and I feel it even stronger than ever...!
Azulvioleta: Thanks for the info! I knew soda and artificial sweeteners are not good for you, but I didn't know the rest! I didn't mean to make it sound like I drink soda all of the time...lol. I only drink it a couple times a week, if that. My drink of choice at a restaurant is either water w/lemon or unsweetened iced tea w/an orange slice. I LOVE green tea! I buy the tea bags (blueberry green tea and orange green tea are my faves) and I have started drinking green tea in the morning instead of coffee about 4 times a week. Thanks again for your input!
PARA: Thanks for the kind words and compliment! That is one of my favorite colors...LOL I'm so glad to have met you this round of BLC!
JUDY: That is the Bully Hill winery. I am so glad we can buy their wine local! YUM!
MELGRAY: You couldn't be more right and this is something that I have been thinking about...I should NOT wait for something negative to happen to me before I start my lifestyle change! Today I could be healthy....tomorrow I could be laying on a stretcher...I don't want to take that risk.
SKEE: Thanks so much for the support! I completely understand feeling like "old friends" You are real...I like that about a person. I'm so glad you are an island sister this round!
1618 days ago
ZOMG you are soooo cute!!! That magenta color looks fabulous on you (*and off topic, but I am wearing the exact same color socks today!)
We are not victims of our history, we are stronger for it. You have a wealth of experience to pull from with your childhood home of junk food and adolescent diet experiences (I don't know any girl that hasn't had a few of those, regardless of weight or body size).
I'm like you-- tall and bigboned-- I'm over 5'8", and even at my lowest anorexic weight I had a 36" rib cage-- I will never be a small girl.
I love food, too, and my sig and I go out to eat often as well. This is okay. It's okay not to always make "salad" choices, too. This is YOUR JOURNEY with food. If it includes artichoke dip and coca cola, so be it. You can get healthy, you can lose weight with these things-- Your lifestyle NEEDS to fit with YOUR LIFE.
There are those that can't/won't do soda. There are those that can't/won't do gluten. There are those that can't/won't do red meat, dairy, ice cream, chocolate, poatoes, carbs, whatever. There are those that are healthy and active with those things, too. You can make a plan and develop goals that fit your life, you can and will achieve goals for life that are made with your tastes and desires in mind.
You're on track right now. Start with the first goals of BLC, track it if you eat it, and see what that means. This is the start, you have a lifetime to get it right. You are doing AWESOME.
1618 days ago
Thanks for your honesty! I think a lot of us are kindred spirits where weight struggles are concerned. This jumped out at me: "I am "fat" but since all my tests are normal I must be ok". That's been me several times in my past. It's only since menopause has been creeping up on me that my tests have started to NOT be normal. Sigh.
I just want to give you , though, and encourage you to let go of the disgust with yourself. Self-hatred (and that includes hating what you look like) is self-defeating. Focus on the positive - your enthusiasm, your good health, your beautiful smile, your, and all of the things you CAN do just as you are.
You're a cool and gorgeous Azurita! And don't forget it!
P.S. Which winery is that? It looks familiar. My sister and I were in the Finger Lakes region a couple of years ago and went to several wineries. What a fun day that was!
1618 days ago
Comment edited on: 1/16/2013 11:04:35 AM
Loved your blog! So true and I can totally relate! I've been the Big Girl all my life...my parents and my sister do not have a weight problem. So I guess I got the "fat gene". My health is very good and I'm also told that I carry my weight well. The one time I was told I was Borderline Diabetic, I went and lost 30 lbs using WW. But I've since gained that back plus some. How is it that having something negative happen to you motivates you? I do not want to get to that point to where I have something negative happen before I do something about my weight. So I'm starting over and making little changes. I've actually made myself exercise everyday this week and I feel good about it! Thanks for posting! I'm here for support :)
1618 days ago
Hey lady! I feel like we're old friends at this point . I'm so glad you chose to share this. Those weight bios are eye openers, right? We are kindred souls in so many ways. Please know that you have someone who understands having other people say you look good, you don't look like you weigh that much, AND having all your medical tests come out just fine year after year. You almost WANT one of the tests to show you something negative so you'll have a reason to make changes. Sounds silly, but that's how I felt. The most important thing out of all of it though, is that we feel comfortable in our own skin and that we're happy with who we are. Taking on this challenge to finally drop the pounds means that internally we know we're not happy with our current selves, and we want to do something about it. So this is for you. And for the me people who are like you . I'll be on the island ready to support you whenever you need it! Let's kick butt!! And great pic
1618 days ago
Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.