Wednesday, January 16, 2013
There are a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head. And honestly, I'm having a hard time latching on to even one of them to try to make sense of what is up there. So I'm sitting here, forcing myself to put down something on paper (er, well, you know what I mean) so that I can get it all straightened out.
You see, right now I'm afraid. I never thought of myself as a person who lived in fear. But somehow, that is exactly how I have been living my life for the past 6 months. I have been scared to log in to Spark. I've been afraid to show the world that I have not only stumbled, but gone backwards on my journey. Afraid of the shame and embarrassment. Afraid of admitting that I am a failure. Just, afraid.
None of that makes any sense. You see, I'm not a failure. But I sure am human. Today I have to tell myself that its okay to make mistakes. (And holy smokes, right on cue, that hit home and brought some tears to my eyes). I have been beating myself up for gaining back 20 pounds of the 40+ that I lost. I keep staring at this number, 150, thinking about how far away it is, and how I will never make it there.
Honestly, I don't know if I can ever even make it down to 208 again. I have beat myself up so much, that I can't even fathom myself losing 5 pounds, let alone 70+. I beat myself up because I didn't care. After suffering from my shoulder injury, all I cared about was finding comfort in food again. I did this to myself, and that's why I hold it against me.
I know I have to stop, but I'm not sure how. Admitting that it is okay to make mistakes will be part one. I said it. Now I just have to believe it.
Loving myself enough to try to do something about it will be step number 2.
I am traveling to Cabo San Lucas in October. I want to be so excited about it, but I'm scared. I'm scared because I don't want to be overweight when I go there. But I'm scared that even if I try, and try real hard, that it's still going to happen.
I've been hitting up the gym again the last couple of weeks. I haven't been running because I got walking pneumonia after running a 5K on New Year's Eve at midnight. It was 10 degrees out. Very, very cold. And the temps have been below zero here, and it's just too much on my lungs. So, since I die of boredom on the treadmill, I've been focusing on interval training with cardio and weights at the gym.
If you haven't tried the Nike Training Club app for your smartphone, I highly recommend it. It is kicking my butt. But I love it.
Sunday Brent and I went out to dinner. I had the waitress box up half of my meal before bringing out my plate from the kitchen. Can I tell you, that was the best plan ever? I ordered one of my favorite pasta dishes (1,144 calories for the whole plate). And yes, I have put away the entire thing before, plus soup, salad, and bread... It's way to much for one person and especially at one sitting! So, I had only a small piece of bread. I ordered salad with the dressing on the side (and barely used any, also a great trick!). And then I had half of my entree in front of me and the other half boxed to go home. Guess what - I was full after eating half of my half. Amazing how out of control restaurant portions are when you actually take a step back and exam what you are eating. We love to eat out and do it often. But I will be ordering half of my meal boxed from the start from now on. I haven't even touched my leftovers either, which is kind of funny. Anyway, I had enough calories left over to enjoy the mini chocolate cake (144 calories!). Seriously, all of my favorite foods and under 700 calories for the entire meal? Bread, salad, pasta, and chocolate cake? Winning!
So, I have to start being good to my body again. I don't know where this journey will take me. I so desperately want to be healthy and look good for our trip in October. But I can't convince myself that it will happen. So instead I will focus on things other than the scale - eating healthy, challenging myself with weights and strength training at the gym. We will see where I end up in October.
I guess that's all I've got. I hope everyone out there in Sparkland is doing well today. If you happened upon my ramblings, I'm sorry they don't make much sense. I can't really put them in any logical order right now. Heh. Like I ever can. My brain is mush!