Day thirteen of my T-Tapp bootcamp and I have to say that although I'm proud of myself for finishing, I am also pretty disturbed by what I have learned and maybe knew all along. Exercise is not something I really struggle with. In some ways, I think I have always used it as proof to myself that I know what I'm doing or that I'm capable of being strong, sticking to it, or pushing myself.
I have always moved. My spark minutes aren't even accurate because I didn't log for months but the benefits of exercise on my aching back, sciatica and frame of mind have kept me active and I have been exercising for 25 years. I've hiked, ran, danced, swam, been a gym member, biked, and walked for a long time.
My problem is that I am still hugely a compulsive over-eater.
The problem is rooted deep and I don't care why I just know that sometimes, as crazy as it sounds, I use exercise as a sick rationalization. "So I'm out of control, but I can run ten miles on the treadmill", "So I ate to the point of nausea, but I can spend three hours at the gym", "Just put down twenty tacos? yeah but I'm on day 13 of a 14 day bootcamp".
Now I am NOT naive enough to think I am burning any of my binges off, it's just a power trip for me. Being in control in one area when I'm so out of control in another. The good news is that it keeps me hanging by a thread from another facet of all or nothing thinking. I also get to keep some of my benefits.
We are all on this journey with a core of complex combinations of strengths and weaknesses, some similar and some not. By process of elimination, I am getting closer to becoming laser precise on exactly what I need to completely focus on. For me, it's not a mattter of low-carb, low-fat, low-point, lactose-free, organic etc........those things are important for sure but I have stood over the sink devouring canned green beans (1 point) just as I have done the same when I have eaten a block of cheese (3 carbs). My main problem is over-eating.
Okay, well I won't minimize my strengths but it is time to move into the tougher area (for me anyway) it's time to seriously address the food issues. I know this is like "DUH" here at Spark but denial is a powerful thing. Really cool, I have to share, as the family and I were reading the gospel tonight, I was encouraged that there really is no slavery we can't be freed from. I have heard it before but I guess I never considered myself in bondage. After all, I can run ten miles on a treadmill.
.............oh shut up!!!
I don't want to spend too much time with all the "why's" I think I know what has hurt in the past but after 20 something years it has much more to do now with habit and a loose discipline and that will be my focus. Of course I'm going to keep moving, I love it but I won't use it as a distraction from the hard work ahead or as a means of justification regarding my behavior. I don't want to be a half fraud. I am no different that old Lance at this point. Sure there is a good amount of sweat
but there is something else going on behind closed doors that is not nearly as controlled ..............
So, there is no day 1 anymore I just move forward, think, and use some of what I already know about discipline on my senses. It is going to be tough but it is time.