Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Got home from work today in a weird state. I didn't feel emotionally in a bad mood, but my thoughts were all unpleasant. Frustrated with people always wanting things from me and not having a lot of relationships in my life that are more equal and where I feel I get my needs met as well.
I should probably say here now that in my job, I work one on one with people with mental health issues helping them in a variety of ways. So naturally, I don't expect to get my needs met in those relationships. Sometimes it's just frustrating when I'm being asked to do certain things that I'm not supposed to do and when I leave, I feel guilty or frustrated at the situation. Had a few of those today.
Then came home and got another email from my friend who is struggling with mental health issues and wanting support. This is someone I have had to cut back on contact with extremely because he's intensely in love with me and intensely emotional and depressed. So talking with him gets to me a lot, and after dealing with that all day at work, it's hard to come home to it too. Reading his email got me frustrated more.
Also having relationship issues which have been around for a while and not seeing improvement. All of that meant my thoughts were racing about all the negatives when I got home. For the first time ever I was able to successfully meditate during a state like that. I've tried a bit before but given up after just getting distracted by my thoughts. I was (am!) very proud of myself for that.
It took a bit of effort, but I did it and got into a good state of mind, and actually meditated my longest session that I've had since starting up again last week. And it helped me get out of the whirlwind of negative that was clouding me before. A wonderful experience!