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    STEPH-KNEE   68,893
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Bad Case of The Birthday Blues...

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


emoticon So first off I'm starting with a disclaimer. I have refrained from getting too personal in my blogs for sometime, because without fail, some random person will come and make some comment that will either rile me up, rub me the wrong way, or be just downright negative or hurtful. So with that said, if you don't have something nice to say, then get to steppin'. emoticon emoticon

On the flip side of that, anyone of my TRUE Spark Friends (you know who you are) have the liberty to say whatever they want. The know me, and I know whatever they may have to say comes from a good place and I am always happy to hear whatever that may be.

Okay, so I'm turning 27 (Feb 3).. now no one go all "that's not even old, get a life" on me, because that's pretty counter productive. I know I'm not old, and besides, we are only as old as we feel. And please don't think if you happen to be older than me that "If I'm worried about 27, I must think other people are ancient.", because I assure you that is not the case. I have friends in their 40's and I would never once have a glimmer of a thought that they were old.

This is a (mostly) irrational issue that I have. It pretty much started when I became 23. There is nothing special about the number 23, nor is there anything special about the number 27. I was happy to turn 21, I was fine with turning 22, but there was something about 23 that REALLY hit home that I am no longer a kid. You are definitely an adult, and then 24, 25, etc. really cemented in that fact.

The root of my Birthday Blues comes from the things that I am unhappy with in my life becoming front and center in my mind. There is something about "letting another year go by" without making changes, or falling into a rut so to speak.

In past years, these are the thoughts that I have had, and please, no harsh words on these things, I am letting you guys in to my deepest most feelings, so please handle them with care...
*You are the fattest you have ever been...
*You still live at home with your parents...
*You are not only single but you have nothing that even resembles a "love life"...
*You are going to end up an old maid...
*No one is ever going to love you...

Etc etc. I won't go on and on as a lot of the thoughts are similar, but you can understand the main idea. This isn't a daily thing, I am generally a pretty happy person, it is just something that comes with my birthday and the realization that I am another year older.

A large part of this stems from the fact that I really would like to be a mother SOMEDAY. I was explaining to a fellow Sparker how silly I felt, because I am in no way shape or form ready to be a wife and mother RIGHT NOW. I'm just not. I want that very badly to happen SOMEDAY but not right now. So it seems silly to kind of mourn the fact that I am not at that place in my life, when it's something I am not ready for.., So that is something I am working on figuring out and coming to terms with so that I can feel better. I think the best way to explain it is that I know there is a specific age window in which I would be able to become a mother, and with each year that passes the window gets smaller, and it scares me.

To get super dooper personal, I had made a decision a few years ago that if I am 40, and single with no potential to have a family, I would at that point adopt a child. I absolutely want to be a mother, and if I can't have my own child and have a family that I so desire, I think it would be quite fulfilling to adopt a child that does not have that family. You would think this would put my mind at ease a little, and at times it does, but it doesn't squash the desire that I have to have my own child someday.

I am doing my BEST to look at the positives, and the list that I use has significantly been cut down, and I am trying to focus on that, because...

*I am NOT the fattest I've ever been this year. In fact, I'm actually the smallest I have been in AT LEAST 5 years, and although I've been in a plateau and struggling lately, I have not given up.

*I do not live with my parents, I was blessed to buy a beautiful condo that I own a little over 3 years ago, and that has down wonders for my general happiness and sense of accomplishment.

*I have found a job that I love, that is going to be my career until the day I retire... unless there is some huge catastrophe that prevents this from happening.

*While I am still very single, I have gone on dates, and just put myself out there much more than I have in the past. I may not have found "the one" or had a boyfriend, but I have gone on dates and that is more than I can say for some of my previous years.

*I am working on myself from the inside out. I am trying to learn about myself and figure out the person I want to be, and I have come a long way in many areas.

So while I can sit here and tell you all these things, and be proud of certain accomplishments and logically know that despite getting a year older, I am much better off than I was in previous years, I still can't help and get a little case of the blues. With that said, I am doing my best not comfort myself with food, which has always been my "go to feel better thing", and while that is hit and miss, I am conscious of it and working at it.

I know this was long and boring, and unless you are my true Spark Friend I don't see many people wanting to read this, and that is okay. It was good for me to put it out there. I was so touched by the overwhelming support from my friends on my status that I thought I would explain myself for anyone who reached out to me and kind of asked what is wrong. I am so blessed to have such great Spark Friends, and you guys make me want to keep trying even when I don't feel like it, and I heart you all so much!

And I didn't forget about my week 2 check in, it's not 100% but I will post the good, bad and the ugly Tuesday night.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EATVEGAN 1/25/2013 1:33AM

    Hi, Steff, from one of your truly ancient friends, though I don't feel like it. I remember when I was turning 30. I had two kids, but was not and had never been married. (That probably isn't the shocking confession it would have been when I was your age. I hated that I was turning 30. And it wasn't for just a few days, it was for months. I tried to deal with it, and just when I was doing better, my church started women's groups. They were called Baptist Women and Baptist Young Women. I'll let you guess which one 30-year-olds were in.
The good news is I have never dreaded my birthday again. I'm not sure I'm going to like being 70, which is approaching at a gallop, but it doesn't have me depressed. (Don't tell anyone I'm not really almost 50)
You have so much going for you. The fact that you are planning your life impresses me. Most of us in my youth just let life happen. A good job and a condo are amazing to me. I'm not going to try to "pull" you out of your funk. That will happen naturally. I appreciate what an encourager you are. And have a wonderful birthday.

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THESHELBSTER 1/17/2013 9:02PM

    I love you so much. As a 40 year old woman you know I can relate. I found the love of my life though, as you know, and I hopw you don't have to wait tha long. I am sure you won't. But my point is, when you least expect it. BAM. You know what I have been through with men. Now I am happier than I ever have been. I have never seen soomeone your age who is so mature and has there sh*t so together, so I know it won't take you as long as it did me to find what you seek. But Greg was worth the wait for me. Your Prince will come. In them meantime you have so much to rejoice in, like you said. A great job, a great home. Great 40 year old friends... :) You are like a fine wine....getting better with age. Exciting things are in store for you in your life. I love you.

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HEATHERFREE 1/16/2013 8:19PM

    Oh my...23 was it for me too...I just felt different, actually 22 I really felt different...older maybe...But seriously 25 killed me. 26 I just ignored...and 27 is coming up soon and I have the exact same feelings about becoming a mother....I know right now I can't handle that...but at the same time....the days are flying by another year gone! I get it! I used to say I want to have kids by the time I'm 25 and now its moved to 30 and be dnoe having them by 35....But mr boyfriend like I was saying before....thinks that we should be together like 5 more years before proposing and then be married for a couple years before having kids...NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I get really angry when he talks about it...lol because I'm like you are a man you can wait to have kids til your 50 if you want! But I'm not waiting until I'm 35 or 40 and then maybe risk not being able to and then not be free from child rearing until I'm almost 60 jeeze. he obviously doesnt think about it like I do, like right now I don't have much money, I'm not doing what I want to do in my career, I'm not going the places I want to go. I'm living day to day doing the same thing....so If I don't have kids until I'm like 30 freaken 5! Then I will be 55 60 before they leave the house....and I don't want to have THAT be MY time to go live life how I would like...Id rather have kids as soon as possible and at least get em out of the house by the time I'm 50! lol Well good thing I didn't send this messege the day you were so blue hahaha because I am SUCH a downer! But at least you know that your not the only one!

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POISONGIRL999 1/16/2013 12:57PM

    Turning 27 was horrible for me. I can't explain it, and people did make fun of me for it. Like you, I know it's not that I'm old, but it's like reality hit home that I'm not really young and carefree anymore either. I don't know, 27 just sucked. 28 was better, I was over the hump by then. Happy early Birthday :)

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RWILSON19 1/16/2013 12:45PM

  23 Was a real turning point for me. It went from being Im soo glad to have my highschool days behind me and move on to, OMG, I wish I could go back and do things differntly. I married at 24 and had my daughter at 25 and sometimes I wish I would have had the chance to live for me and work on me before jumping in to everything. I think thats the reason I have such a hard time fighing my weight. You are a wonderful persona and you will be a mother one day. I know it!

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LAHUDSONCHEF 1/16/2013 11:21AM

    Steph, I know how you're feeling...I'm now only 4 months away from 45, and my "crisis" b-day was 44...when I realized that my child-bearing days were probably closed. My late hubby and I wanted children, but were never blessed with them. He died over 8 years ago, and I never expected to be alone this long. I expected to re-marry quickly, and raise children. Well, God's plans aren't always the same as our own, so here I sit.

I've been down a bit myself lately over all that, the holidays did it to me. But, I have victories in this past year to look back on, too. It's awesome that you can see all the strides forward you've made in this last year...means your head's in the right place. :)

Praying for you.

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IMSOOZEEQ 1/16/2013 12:02AM

    Well my friend, you have gotten some really awesome comments to this blog! You and I have already talked about this so I am just going to say....I heart you and you know that I am here for you anytime you need me. You know that. Birthday blues are so hard and I know I have had a few. Shoot, I remember spending my 30th birthday alone while my kids and hubby were out somewhere. No one told me happy birthday that day so I cried myself to sleep singing it to myself!

Yeah thanks for not calling me ancient! lol emoticon

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JUSTLIKEALICE 1/15/2013 11:44PM

    I love this. Mostly because not only are you in touch with your feelings and recognize them, but you have the answers right there. You are amazingly self aware and that is very rare (I hear this a lot from my counselors so we are alike in this respect and it is a very awesome trait.) I have a lot of the same feelings even though I am on different sides of a lot of your issues. I HAVE a family, that I feel like I could provide for better had I waited and had a career instead of a job (I have an awesome job that pays decent but I wont stay in forever.) I wanted a family later in life, but got mine younger with someone who I battle with constantly. I believe with all my heart this is not something you will have to endue. Kudos to you for having stability in your life, drive, determination, and the sight to plan your future.. You will be secure and ready when you find the person whose DNA you wanna blend with to make a family. Someone who deserves your awesomeness. Keep on working on making yourself happy, and that someone is gonna come along and share in that joy. You rock, and I appreciate being able to be with you on this journey.

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LISAN0415 1/15/2013 9:03PM

    Ok, please don't take this as negative, because I mean this with so much Loveand so much light:

Right after my divorce, I felt very low and someone said to me:
"You feel you have nothing, but do you know there are people in this world PRAYING, begging, asking for the things you do have?!"

It made me re-evaluate, although I didn't (and still don't) have everything I wanted, I do have more than some, and that made me feel blessed!

You are blessed too, to have friends and family and a job, and to be succeeding on this Healthy Lifestyle journey.

We are all also blessed to have you as a Spark Friend!

Wishing you all the best, and for an awesome Birthday!!!! Go out with your friends, have a blast-YOU DESERVE IT!!

-With much love,
Lisa

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WEBEZE 1/15/2013 8:55PM

    I have had birthdays like this as well. I did not marry until I was 27 and did not have my son until 3 days before I turned 31. I was unable to have any more children. Can't pinpoint which birthday was more a crisis than others since they all just piled up on me in a blur. For my hubby his crisis birthday was when he turned 25. To me it is not unusual to feel like this in your 20's.

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PRINCESSAMY 1/15/2013 4:25PM

    I felt the same way you did. Then I turned 31.... that was the night I got pregnant. The last 3 years have been a changing experience. I look back and I am so grateful to have been through what I have been through. Its makes me a better mom, girlfriend, friend, daughter.

This too shall pass... you are going through it because one day in the future you will need the knowledge.

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JACOBSBELOVED 1/15/2013 2:58PM

    First off, I love your disclaimer! You know one of the reasons why I made my page private is because of people like that. And so far, there is not one person who is just leaving a random stream of emoticons, which doesn't exactly show support and understanding. I'm glad all of your true friends are commenting and they all seem to care.

For me, 24 was THAT age. I was starting to realize that I will not be having my first child when I am 25, like I had planned in my head for several years. Money was still tight with hubby and me and he was gone for work a lot as well, but it was mostly because of my health. I know, in a sense, I did it to myself by not losing more weight by the time I was 25. However, it doesn't make it any easier to accept.

Like you said, I know logically that I am not even close to being old, but I feel like I could have done more with my life. I never did find my career like I thought I would have. I thought I would get started having children sooner. I thought we would have bought a house by now. I thought I would be healthier by now. I just wish I was more realistic and would allow room for missteps while I was spending years dreaming of all this when I was in college. I thought it would be a lot easier than it really is.

I do, however, see several of these things falling into place. I wanted them to happen sooner but now was apparently a better time. We will have our first home this summer, we have been talking baby quite a bit lately, hubby and I agreed that a part-time job for me is quite perfect, and losing weight slowly is not as bad as I thought it would be.

Your longing to be a mother really makes me sympathize with you. You know all I can talk about is having children and everything you said is so relatable. I always said, too, that if we couldn't have our own biological children then we would adopt. However, we would really love to have children that possess our physical traits.

I know you are generally a very happy and positive person and I can completely relate with the birthday blues! You're allowed to want more for yourself and having a bit of the birthday blues is understandable. You're not going to allow yourself to comfort eat and you are still looking at the postives in your life.

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JESSICA_STULTZ 1/15/2013 1:42PM

    Girl.. Look at all this support you have! I haven't quite hit 27.. but I do feel some sort of blues on the things I have not yet accomplished. Let me just say.. The things that used to bug you, you have made HUGE steps to change. You are definitely not anywhere near the weight you used to be (and you are looking amazing!), you said you bought your own place (this is one of my blues.. I really want to settle down somewhere), you have found your perfect job, and you are putting yourself out there in the dating world. You have made so many changes that you should definitely be proud of. I know it isn't realistic to have no blues but I hope you can get past them soon because you are an amazing person that deserves to be happy!

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ATTACKFATCAT 1/15/2013 1:13PM

    It is perfectly OK to feel that way and I completely understand. It's more important that you acknowledge those feelings are real rather than just stuffing them down...it makes it easier to combat them head on instead of ignoring them and turning to food instead.

It sounds like you have thought a lot about your own feelings and why you feel that way. What I love is that you posted your negative thoughts AND the positive affirmations to show those negative thoughts just aren't true. Read those out loud a few times to yourself, stick them up on your mirror, whatever you need to do to see the positive ones. It will be hard to do at first, especially if you are in a negative mindset, but it DOES help with your brain's programming. When I do this and practice it, later on, if I have a negative thought like that, my mind is much less likely to dwell on it and will quickly move to positive affirmation.

You have goals in life, and even if you are working towards them, having a milestone like your birthday each year is a way to temporarily make you feel a bit down if you aren't quite where you expected to be. I think we all have experienced that at least at some point in our life. At 31, I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be at 21 or even 25. Some of it's bad, but a lot of it is good. The most important thing you can do is to learn to love yourself, heal any emotional wounds, and really figure out what you want out of life. This isn't just about losing weight...it's about becoming the person you want to be inside and out.

"No one loves you..." simply isn't true. YOU love you. WE love you. And the more you put yourself out there and let yourself shine, the more likely you'll be beating off the men with a baseball bat. The fantastic thing about that is that you'll have so much confidence in yourself and what you want, you will weed through the bad ones and find the right one for you. You won't settle, even if that means you have to be a little patient. That is a true test of a strong woman, which is what you are becoming right before our eyes.

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BETHIEBOOPS 1/15/2013 11:36AM

    Wow. I am in awe of the number of people who are on par with these feelings. I also had a hard year at 22. For some reason that was my year- suddenly realising that THIS is my life and I had planned on mentioning how I have no advice but that I can 100% relate and then I read all these wonderful comments of other people who ALSO feel the funnies around their birthdays.

I'm not sure we will ever feel satisfied with where we are in life. I'm blessed- I found my hubby at 18, married at 20, and am pregnant with my first at 24. I have "everything going" for me- or so they say. And I do. Like you, I am a generally happy person. I am very grateful for the blessings I have been given, and I don't want to sound like a spoiled child. But every year I suffer extreme guilt with the idea that I haven't done or accomplished enough for my age. It's my own sort of blues- and it can be so overwhelming. But I am convinced that there is a desire in my heart to not be content with where I am. To be thankful of where I am. To be content with what I have. But to be discontent in where I am. I am meant for so much more. You are meant for so much more.

I think you did a brilliant thing compiling your blessings list. I think you should continue along that vein too. But I think it's okay to be angsty and discontent IF IT INSPIRES CHANGE. For me, it comes to a point where I tell myself (as I'm telling you) "It's your call- you can be discontent in where you are, and change it or be sad and wallow in it. What do you want?" So dear friend, what do you want? Wallow if you choose- or make the changes you want to make (but were too afraid to specify outloud). The choice is yours.

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WHOVIANGIRL23 1/15/2013 11:10AM

    I read it, not boring at all! It's nice to get a glimpse into peoples head! I've had many of those thoughts myself. It's hard to tell yourself to stop thinking them and focus on the positive, because sometimes, all your brain wants to do is focus on the negative.

Keep pushing forward. You are well on your way to success, and once you reach the finish line, you will look back and say WOW, look at all that I accomplished!

I'm always here if you need someone to talk to, *hugs*

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ADARKARA 1/15/2013 11:08AM

    You've come very far in your journey, and I think it's totally normal to have those sorts of feelings! I think people that say they don't think those things are liars. I didn't get married until I was 28, and I'm 31 going on 32 now and still don't have kids, so I wouldn't worry about that either. I am so not ready yet.

On adoption, I think that's a wonderful thing! (I am an adopted child.) My adoptive parents were older (38 when I was born) and I really appreciated their maturity level compared to some of my friends parents. There's nothing wrong with being an older parent!

I think you're doing great!

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EMMAEKAY 1/15/2013 10:59AM

    It is so totally normal to have these kinds of introspective thoughts around any kind of anniversaries, and especially our birthdays. My birthday last year was my big "a-ha" moment, where I resolved to change my life and lose this weight. We think about things like this because our birthdays remind us of the passage of time - we begin to think that time is short, and that we must hurry along to the next goal.

That's just not true. You have time, Steph. You have all the time in the world to find yourself, to find a partner, to be a mother, to rock that career... Life is long! There is time.

I find that my biggest "birthday blues" come from comparing my life to the lives of my peers, instead of to my own life. My friends are married, own their homes, have had their first children, completed college, etc etc. I have done none of those things, but I still feel proud of myself because although my accomplishments are not the SAME as theirs, they are worth no less.

The same is true for you! You have accomplished a great deal, grown and changed - you have every right to be proud of yourself! You are living a wonderful life - try not to waste too much time getting down on yourself.

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NORSEGODDESS34 1/15/2013 10:29AM

    I so, So, SO understand this. 27 was a REALLY difficult birthday for me too. In fact, I had a complete meltdown--it was large and super embarassing (think 2-year old tantrum.) I think it's kind of normal, and everyone has their "27". For some people it's 30, other's is 65. For me, 27 (like you) represented all of the things that I didn't have, instead of all of the things that I had already accomplished. You have a great list of things that you DO have, and that is awesome!! Just keep focusing on YOU, and all of the "wants" that you don't have yet, will come. :)

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GRACEMCC45 1/15/2013 9:51AM

    This wasn't long and boring at all!! I think the best birthday gift you should give yourself, is something related to each of your change in thinking - to show just how much progress you have made in this last amazing year of your life. Just something simple and small, for example:

1) No longer the fattest you have been, in fact smallest - well duh, go buy yourself something new to wear. This sounds crazy, but a fresh set of well fitting panties is an awesome reward, because nobody knows it but you! I spent a STUPID amount of time in La Senza (Canadian version of VS) when I got to my goal weight, and wearing those panties made me feel all brand new!

2) You own your own condo - hold the PHONE - JEALOUS! Go buy a little decoration or kitchen gadget. Even just a little one from Walmart for your bathroom. A new fresh bathmat or funky vase.

3) A job you love. Get yourself something for your desk, or because I know you love walking on your breaks, treat yourself to an iTunes card and get yourself some new music to walk to.

4) The dating life - Okay, this may be difficult to put a monetary reward, but maybe treat yourself to a date! A herbal tea and manicure date, or a walk in a nice park date! Love yourself first!

5) Working on yourself from the inside out. Well, that's just the key, isn't it? To all of this. Get yourself something that is so true to you and privately celebrated.

You are doing so incredibly amazing Stephanie - it's normal to get a little weirded out at birthday time - but age ain't nothin' but a number. You as a person have more energy, life, and charisma now than you did a year ago, so screw what the calendar has to say. You are making the best of yourself, and that's all anyone can ask for!

Happy Birthday!!! (Ya know, in case I go into labour or something)

Here's a emoticon instead of a cake - but you do what you want emoticon

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TIMELAG 1/15/2013 9:12AM

    I don't have anything particularly helpful or witty to say, but I couldn't just let this blog slide by. We all care about you! Birthdays can be a a real source of anxiety and stress, regardless of what age. Life is a work in progress and just think about how much you have changed and progressed the past few years! I think you are going to have an AMAZING year, and I can't wait to read all about it.

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AMARILYNH 1/15/2013 7:49AM

    OMG - So let me tell you how I got here. I turned on my computer, came to SP, did my 'spin', checked my 'friend feed' and saw my friend Elizabeth had commented on your blog (and I see my friend Sharon has replied too). I was intrigued by the 'title' as my birthday is two days away and I decided to check it out. I smiled at your 'then get to steppin'. As soon as I saw you say you are 27 I knew I'd be responding so I read another paragraph then decided to go get my first cup of coffee before reading the rest and replying.

In the kitchen I was remembering my 25th birthday and how I was feeling that day. I was SO unhappy! I was in a bad marriage (had been since I was 20), knew I needed to do something about that (which was HARD since I'm the youngest of 9 children, none of my siblings had been divorced, and our religion really really frowned on divorce), and DESPERATELY wanted a baby!

So I come back with my coffee, sit back down to read - and see "I really would like to be a mother SOMEDAY." Holy cow!! OMG - you are ME! "I am working on myself from the inside out. I am trying to learn about myself and figure out the person I want to be, and I have come a long way in many areas."

That is exactly what I'd been doing before that birthday! Reading self help books, planning my future without my ex, working on getting up the nerve to leave him. But on that day I was thinking how I didn't have the nerve to leave, I might never have a child, life was passing me by, etc, etc.

What changed? Just a few days later I learned I was pregnant! When my baby girl was one year and one month old I left my ex - and TWO months later I met the love of my life. Talk about scary!! I was SO afraid of making another mistake and yet Phil seemed perfect.

And now? Well, my baby girl will be 40 in October, Phil and I have been happily married for 37 years (well happily for at least 36 of them - every marriage has hard times a few years in that you must work through) and I can truthfully tell you I've had an AWESOME life!! And I hope to have many, many more happy, fit years!!

I said all that to say this - there is HOPE! YOU have the ability to make your life into your dream life - you KNOW that - look at what you've done in the last few years!! When I'm feeling a bit down I love the serenity prayer: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." My favorite part is "the courage to change the things I can" - I don't really like that there are things I cannot change LOL but I LOVE that there are many, many things that I can change to make my life better and happier.

As for opening your heart in blogs, if some insensitive person dares to criticize you just use your delete key - you don't need them in your life. Your feelings are your own - but sometimes in sharing them you can help others!! I only hope my words can help YOU - because you are a wonderful, special, unique person and you deserve the VERY BEST!! Happy birthday!!!!! emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/15/2013 7:52:33 AM

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AELI2468 1/15/2013 6:34AM

    It is amazing that it is only 6:30am EST and you already have SOOO many great responses! I can't add anything great other than, 20's are a tough time as you really do transition to 'adult'! I overall, was much happier once I got to my 30's.

You really have accomplished so much and I am glad YOU were able to recognize it!

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MOXIE26 1/15/2013 6:21AM

    I can really relate. Birthdays have long been a time to take account of my life and I'm always finding it lacking. But this year, I gave myself the birthday present of forgiveness and time. Yeah, I've made mistakes and things haven't gone the way I planned but I can and will do better. I will give myself time to take care of me.

I love the way you listed all the positives. You have accomplished a great deal! Heck, just the fact that you're a recent homeowner in this economy is an accomplishment! The rest will come. BTW, I didn't marry until I was 27 (almost 28) and had my daughters at 28 and 35. Life IS good!

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LIBELULITA 1/15/2013 5:59AM

    Let me say that your blog could have been written by me when I was your age. It felt like reading my diary. I used to cry ,wondering why what seemed to happen to other people and was so normal (ie,have a steady boyfriend, kids etc) never happened to me. What was so wrong with me that noone wanted my love when I had so much to give? I hadn't even been out on a date for 10 years....no exaggeration. I knew that even though I was fat that I had a pretty face, a good sense of humour, was clever and cultured, but noone seemed interested in me at all.

At the age of 31 on the 1st Jan I decided that this was the year that I was going to forget all about men and give all the love I had to give to myself. I planned that before the year was out I'd have bought my own apartment instead of renting and that I would fill my life with things to fulfill me: travel, flamenco classes, whatever.

My friends now say that the more I did things for me and stopped people pleasing the more I started to glow and shine. I did buy my apartment that year in March, and when I went to the disco to celebrate it I met my partner of 11 years with who I have a beautiful little girl. He said that when he saw me he saw so much happiness and self-confidence that I seemed to have an aura around me and he was drawn to me like a moth to a lightbulb. He wasn't the only one like that that night or for a while afterwars. From having no attention from men I seemed to have it everywhere regardless of my weight and age.

What I think I am trying to say in a nutshell is that I totally undeerstand how you feel, but when you learn to accept yourself despite your percieved imperfections that you open yourself up to letting someone love you. If you think your amazing then someone else will find it easier to believe that too. Also, that true love doesn't have a time limit and could be just around the corner bringing you a child too. Whatever, with or without the love of another person, the journey starts with yourself, with self-love and self-acceptance.

I think in my ramblings this may not be very coherant, but I hope I haven given you hope whaich is what my intention was emoticon emoticon

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MYHUBBYISMYHERO 1/15/2013 5:32AM

    God has put in women the desire to be mothers. Babies are sooooo cute. That's how we get hooked in. My oDD didn't get married till she was 35. We have had many discussions about it being a "married with kids" world.

The changes you have made are AMAZING!!!!!! Praying for you,
Sharon

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KAESEA78 1/15/2013 5:21AM

    I am sorry that you are feeling down, especially so close to your special day. I want you to know that I think you are just outright awesome. You always have such nice things to say and are so positive and helpful to everyone else. I think that those of us with low self-esteem are so hard on ourselves which actually make matters worse. Look at your list tho-those are AMAZING things that have changed for the better in your life. You are on your way-for real. Also, something to think about... 1st i think adoption is awesome!! I hope one day to be in a place, when my kiddos are a little older, to give a child that doesn't have one, a forever home. I hope when I say this it doesn't come out wrong and I think you know I mean well...With technology today, if having a biological child is really important to you, you can make that happen-even as a single person. I mean, if you are finacially able to adopt and threw the idea of one day doing that around even as a would-be single mommy, you could also throw around the idea of having a bio baby too. I know this isn't exactly what you are getting at but just something to think about.
I do believe, however, you are absolutely amazing and there is a guy out there for you to sweep you off your feet and you guys will be able to have some perfect littles, adopted and/or bio. I know they would grow up to be amazing people because they will have you as their mommy!!!

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LRSILVER 1/15/2013 4:49AM

    You are making so many positive changes. You Will succeed. You have moved in ways to love yourself. Others are bound to love you too. Keep it up. emoticon

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MERRY_XMAS 1/15/2013 4:25AM

    These are the thoughts of my bestie and myself when it comes to birthdays. But as you said, you are in a much better place now (regarding your life) and you have to remind it to yourself.

As for the adoption, I think it's one of the most honorable and noble things to do. I don't judge the people who try to have a child with αrtificial insemination, but I think that they could focus all this effort into raising a child instead of trying to create it. I have thought of adopting a child, too, when it's the right time and if there is no man in my life.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

emoticon

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SPSPSP1 1/15/2013 4:13AM

    So wonderful how far you've come and that you are staying proactive! Of course, we all have days where we're feeling the blues (esp around bdays) so just be gentle with yourself and continue listing all the goals you've met as well as all that you're grateful for. You are an inspiration!

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