Yep, it's me! Hopefully i won't t.m.i. y'all, LOL !
I grew up in a pretty disfunkchunul home; there was stuff that caused me to develop ptsd, & later in life when depression hit me too, i became disabled permanently. I work as much as i'm able, 'cause i just am NOT the happy person i can be when i'm not contributing in a work-like way to others.
I started out with a couple of problems that i inherited, but by age 25 or so i was in real trouble; anorexic/bulimic, i had tried Overeaters only to be told that they felt i was there to gawk at them, not get help myself. I began drinking only after i had already entered into a dangerous lifestyle, and had lost all hope of having a happy life. After i accidentally walked into a 12step meeting, i got sober and two years later realized i needed more help. At about age 30, i reluctantly tried medicine for the first time, and finally began to thrive.
I married a wonderful guy who was just not a good match for me, and we divorced; at the same time i moved away from my homestate area & with my job, but it also changed drastically, and i began to live alone for the first time as a healthy sober person. I was still thin, but i didn't eat healthfully; i was still exercise-anorexic or would simply stop eating for a few days or a week when my slacks got tight.
My job turned into my "dream job", and i met my DH who i fell madly in love with. We were simply two souls who finally had found each other! Mutual friends hadn't intro'd us before then, 'cause they thought i wouldn't like a heavy girl, but frankly i've always felt more comfortable around people who were not shaped like i was; i guess my outside belied my inside.
Unfortunately my DH got sick, and when i tried to take care of her full time & work 60hrs a week too, & then my dad passed away, my own condition reared up and overtook me. I spent time in a hospital but couldn't recover enough to return to work and was politely terminated. Thank goodness, i'd enrolled in disability insurance (which at the time i was Certain! i'd Never! need), and it got us thru some tight spots financially.
When i started spending time at home with my DH & taking multiple doses of medicine every day, i started to stop starving myself but still kept eating like i was runnin' my butt off all day every day. So the inevitable happened; it began to be harder & harder to get up on my horse, or walk the dogs, or climb stairs, & one day i woke up from worrying about my DH's wt and health problems, and found myself out of breath, out of energy, and out of all the nice clothes i had in my closet!
We tried WW, aquaerobics, walking, gyms, diets, and i went from 190 to 220, to 250. The day i saw 265 on the scale, i decided enough Had to be enough. Finally got some sense and i joined TOPS. DH refused to join with me at first, but she started becoming more active. When she saw how i was struggling & i also demanded that she take an active interest in getting well herself & not just continuing to give up, she finally agreed to join TOPS and we started working together. When i found Spark, i had already dropped about 15 lbs, but i was still yo-yo-ing and struggling. Then she joined Spark too, and even the BLC for one round! She's actually better than i am at being consistent, but she's just not a gabby person, and i am; (plus, i type faster!! lol).
My first couple of rounds of the blc, i lost a LOT; but last year i had to have spinal surgery & have struggled to get back to that first level of Happy&Excited! participation since having to spend that 3 months practically glued to a chair holding my head still so my bones would grow together.
I'm hoping that all of my Sparkbuddies! who already! focus on having Fun, Support, & HealthyHabits (is that FuSHH, d'ya think?
lol) can help me re-MOJOtivate! myself!