Monday, January 14, 2013
I still track my Fast Track goals. I like the fact that they are ones I know I can reach. In December I changed them as the ones I had set up I was reaching every day, and I wanted to challenge myself a little more.
One of the goals I chose was to journal 3x a week. I'm still not making it three times every week, but I am writing in it at least once. I'm finding that it's just as easy to lie to myself in a journal as it is at any other time. It seems kind of silly that I can't even let out my real emotions in a place where no one else but I will see them. But, I think that's the point. I CAN see them, read them, and have to feel them. It's a scary thought for someone who has always pushed their feelings aside. It's a bit daunting, actually terrifying in some ways. If I write them down, then somehow they magically become real, and well then I have to face them.
Let's face reality here though. I have to deal with my emotions every day. Even when I choose to repress them, I'm dealing with them. It may be unhealthy and ineffectual, but I'm still dealing with them. The main issue with that is they tend to come back harder and more vicious than the first time. Of course, my favorite way of repressing them has always been with food. Which is what got me to over 300 pounds.
I have had many mini breakthroughs when it comes to dealing with the emotional side of my eating, but not enough to actually start focusing on my emotional state when I eat. I'm ready to start changing that.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I'm stressed about money, and waiting to hear back about a job I interviewed for last week. Normally I would have gotten up and headed downstairs to get something to eat, or I would have stayed in bed tossing and turning. Instead, I grabbed my journal and started writing. It wasn't pretty, or nice, or feel good. But it was real and it was what I was feeling at that moment. I was able to fall asleep after writing, and I never made it downstairs for that "ignore emotions" treat.
Which brings me to my new focus. I've got the water, and the exercise part down. I get at least 10 minutes a day of exercise, and 8+ glasses of water. Now, it's finally time to really start focusing on my eating, and tracking. Which is scary to me. It's like taking away my comfy socks, favorite blanket and teddy bear all at once. It's not just about what I eat, but the why and the how. About facing the demon head on, and being afraid I won't conquer it. I'm ready to be kind to myself if I'm not perfect with tracking or eating, and I'm willing to take a hard look at what I'm putting into my body.
I have a feeling my journal is going to start to be my best friend and worst enemy as I start this new part of my journey. But, I am determined to conquer this and keep moving forward.