"Daily Community Task

Have you struggled with stress or anxiety related to your weight-loss program or weigh-ins? Blog about your experience. Sometimes, just getting things off your mind will help you find a new perspective."

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Personally, I stress about most everything. I even stress about things that are supposed to help us un-stress.

"Am I doing this yoga pose right? Am I breathing right? How about this meditation thingy I'm trying - am I not thinking enough, or am I thinking about what I'm supposed to be thinking about?"

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

So yeah - I stress about stuff "related to (my) weight-loss program or weigh-ins". I also stress about stuff "related to (my exercise) program".

I get stressed many of the times that I come to here to SparkPeople because I'm dancing (figuratively) around the edges of "The Program" instead of doing the program.

Nearly everyday I read the little notes on my "Check-ins Page" that's part of SparkCoach about how it's clear I'm having problems with sticking to the program, being motivated, being consistant - (that last one isn't true, I'm consistently not doing anything but I don't think that's the consistency they want ) - and reminding me that I can get support from a SparkCoach coach or from SparkFriends.

BUT . . .

No one can help with the fact that I'm just going through the 5 pages of the SparkCoach program, checking little boxes, reading the "Daily Visualization" and usually thinking it's all rather an exercise in futility or coming up with a negative spin on whatever it is, and not doing any of the program other than that.

I'm being honest in how I check the boxes, but fake in that I'm not doing the program.

It tells me I'm in "stage 3 of 4 of (my) SparkPeople Program" but I'm not really because I'm not tracking my eating, not drinking all the water, not getting 5 freggies, not watching my calorie intake. Not avoiding all the "unhealthy" foods I like and not substituting "healthy" foods for them I don't really like as much. I'm not doing purposeful exercising although I think I'm moving about generally more than I was.

I want to do SparkPeople - but I'm not.

I want to write my mystery book - but I'm not working on it.

I want to get my office/craft room painted and setup so it's pleasant and functional (it got packed up for new carpet installation & is still all packed) - but I'm not getting at that at all.

I spent from Dec. 4th to Jan. 7th out of state to help my brother while he had colon cancer surgery and so many weird things went wrong - other than the surgery itself once it actually was done, that went very well - that I ended up being there for only 1 week of his recovery instead of nearly three weeks of it as planned. Throughout the month I was mostly very stressed out.

My husband is miserable with his job, has been for about two years. He is stressed out. He is depressed. He's 62 and not horribly tech oriented and what the heck is he going to do to get a new job if he quits the stressful job and so I have all of that to handle. NO, I can't do it all for him. NO, I can't make him quit stressing etc. BUT, I love him and I care about him so his pains all affect me. I want to be the best I can be so I'm not dragged down by his stress and so I can do as much as I can to be supportive.

I know.

I know so many of you have issues in your lives that are a million times more harsh than my wussy issues. You have chronic illnesses or a loved one does. You weigh a lot more than I do and have all sorts of health and mobility issues because of it. You're also stressed out and depressed. But you're here working hard on eating and exercising and many of you don't even grouse about it all like I do. That is pretty much all I do here is grouse and grump and mope and whine.

But I keep showing up here.

Several of you have become friends and that amazes me because I'm such a Negative Nelly, and your friendship touches my heart. You amaze me because you've shown concern for me and have encouraged me even though I'm still a downer.


I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm headed or anything.

I can't set goals because I don't function well with the whole goals thing.
I can't set goals because I don't know what I want anymore.

None of my immediate family - parents, grandparents, aunt - have lived past 83 and all of them were sickly the last few years of their lives.

I'm 58.

I figure I have about 15 to 20 years of "good" life left.

How do I decide what's worth spending that time doing?

I suppose I should add that everyone on my Dad's side of the family were fat. Everyone on my Mom's side were skinny but smoked like chimneys. So both families had major poor health causing factors in their lifestyles.

Other than breathing my parents second hand smoke until I was about 20 I've never smoked. But I am fat.

Will it really matter if I lose weight? And how much? Every time my Dad got near his supposed "healthy weight" he'd get sick. His sister did the same thing. But neither did they try to be "fit though fat" by exercising.

Will it matter if I finish my book and can get it published, knowing that I'll be expected to write another? And perhaps another.

Will it matter if I get my office/craft room (my cave, my oasis) in a condition where I feel at peace and able to work in there?

I know it will matter, help my quality of life & his, if I help my hubby through his issues because then I won't be having to cope with his stress on top of my own.

I know it matters that I'm there for my adult kids and their families when they need me. And I know that when I'm around them it is better for everyone if I'm not moody and stressed.

I know I'm not able to be as creative when I'm all stressed out and depressed.

And so now, added to everything else, I'm stressing over what I should do and what I should let go of . . .

*sigh*