Sunday, January 13, 2013
When I was bad when I was a kid, my stepdads always took away TV priveleges as a frontline punishment (and yes that says stepdads- I had a few of em. My mom was always working and never home and didn't care what I looked like. We got closer as I got older, then she got gastric bypass and is a snobby, smaller lady who puts me down because I'm still heavy. But I digress.) Losing priveleges motivated me to do well and to stay out of trouble to avoid losing something I like.
I'm not extrinsicly motivated with goal gifts. If I work out x amount of times to earn a personal trainer, guess what? A special little weight loss fairy is not going to foot the bill. I have to pay for it. One of my goals is to get new boots when I reach a certain goal- I get to buy those, too.
My husband's mother is giving him $1,000 to lose weight this year. Granted, his money is my money, I'm kind of reaping the benefits there. He is so unmotivated though- and I'm happy that she's willing to do this for him.
That being said, I'm not equipped to buy little gifts or treat myself as I lose. I see people with "new wardrobe" and "weekend getaway" for 5,10, or 20-pound weight loss goals. That's awesome, I'm super glad that you're able to treat yourself that way- what a wonderful motivator!!! My circumstances are different, and I'm not able to these kinds of things. No big whoop.
What can I do? I can take stuff away until I learn how to be a good girl.
I'm not punishing myself- I'm earning frivelous things back. Then they'll feel like a reward.
"REWARD" #1- Facebook priveleges back once I complete 10 runs, 5K in length or greater, running >80% of the duration. This could take 10 days or 10 weeks- that's on me.
Future "rewards" to follow.
Facebook eats so much of my time, and it is something I enjoy. After 10 runs, I should be back into the habit and back to enjoying it. It's a win-win. Maybe.
I'm not enjoying this process, dang it.
OH and to make matters worse- Jerky Mcjerkface at karaoke last night- RUINED my night. I shouldn't let it get to me, but it did and has.
Skinny girl with boyfriend, to me: Is it packed tonight? (The singer's queue)
Me: Yep, I've been waiting awhile. It's a lot of fun, really worth it!
Skinny girl to boyfriend: She's been waiting awhile
Boyfriend: I bet she has, let's get out of here. It smells like fat people.
1) I was wearing a dress that was skintight in Spanx 6 months ago that is now loose and can be worn Spanxless
2) I felt really pretty, had gotten a lot of compliments on how good I looked (Read: less fat)
3) What the crap.
Anyway. It's hard to stay positive, as I keep being put down by strangers when I'm working so hard. And it DOES bother me. And it's GOING to bother me. And no amount of "screw him you're better than that" is going to take the sting away. The only thing that will is meeting my goals- except that I'll lose 100 lbs and still be disgusting to this creep.
Why do I care so much?