Sunday, January 13, 2013
I am so tired of being conspicuous because of my weight--and yet invisible at the same time! My normal-weight daughter, who is in a wheelchair due to a sports injury, says it is the same way for her in the wheelchair. I guess it makes people uncomfortable, seeing people outside of the norms. It is certainly uncomfortable for me to be this far out of the norm, too! I just want to feel seen--not stared at but seen, and validated and valued for who I am, not how I look. Seriously, add grey hair to being a fat woman and...you can't get much more marginalized in our youth-oriented, body-conscious, beauty-seeking society. I also appreciate youthfulness, and healthy bodies, and beauty....but I do feel that I try to value people for their character and just their humanity. Maybe my own experiences have made me more sensitive to people being shut out or unappreciated. I know people make judgements, myself included, on appearance, and I do want to be thinner and more attractive--heck, who wouldn't? I just do feel like I have a lot to offer, and sometimes people react like I am less worthy because I am commiting the terrible sin of being overweight. Like I am lazy and stupid, and wost of all that it might be contagious r something. It's so ironic that in the past, I have turned to food to help sooth me after feeling these bad feelings! But no more--I am working hard to be who I am, and to give myself the validation and support I need, instead of expecting it from other people. Of course, it is always nicer to have support offered, and you, my Spark friends, have been so helpful. Thank you for letting me vent!
On a positive note, I went for a walk again today, pushing my dd in the wheelchair, and we both enjoyed it. It is nice for her to get fresh air, and pushing the chair was really an added work out!