Onward and Forward... was a chapter heading in a kindle book I was perusing... not about weight.. but about Mindfulness and ACT (which apparently is a new CBT).
The point being that it resonated smack dab in the center of my Spark cheer here -- "Onward and Downward" !! which so successfully bolstered my GOALS, held my wishes, and steeled me warmed me at community fires.
ONWARD is key. Steady, on!
FORWARD...Now moment... taking actions...being in Life and not just on a diet.
DOWNWARD... Yes...I'd like to take of 5 lb gain and lose another 15. No time pressure.
Focusing on losing weight has had the center ring of my three ring circus... ALL of my life... At the expense of so much really. And... the past two years Illness (UC) has had the center stage -- taking over. One of the collateral outcomes of some of that illness time was inability to eat.... which sure was a game changer. I lost weight. I didn't track. I didn't imagine that compuslivity would come back. And, of course, it does.
Now that I am sort of "stable" on a new drug for UC.... And now that life and choices are center stage again... I have seen anxiety and decision making Fears OBSTACLE other positive changes. I've seen myself grazing at food ... worrying over weight... the cycle of amnesia and consequences localized to the more manageable arena of Body Size and Diet. Small circus.
I forfeited an apartment purchase last September and now have no idea where I will be in June.... FORGIVING myself for the panic that disrupted what would have been a good move... has been slow in coming. Not forgiving myself... has probably been part of the grazing.
PLACE. TIME. PEOPLE.
I feel like its all Tabula Rasa.
It's been fun to shop with my mom this season... her celebrating my smaller size.... my size having been such a wedge and bond between us. Size 12 NYJ skinny cords when the 14s were somehow too big, even though I'm still wearing OldNavy and Denizen 16s in other styles.
Well... those 12s are TIGHT!!!! Holiday gain.
Not the point. But.. true and something to take action around.
I have to MAINTAIN the SPARK HEALTH AND MEDITATE as a HUGE PRIORITY.
You have to train the mind to watch itself in order to have any chance of using the mind to discern and alter courses. The example given in a meditation tape yesterday morning was:
Put a telescope on a waterbed. Now try to look at the moon. Any shift of weight will throw the position of the lens off... and seeing the moon will be difficult. Made an impression, I guess.
I got soooo low and depressed coping with my illness Fall thru Holiday. Now that I can eat again I don't want to STUFF my feelings. ANd... I do not want to take the ssri route either (enough drugs in my system!).
I want to MINDFULNESS and cope my way out and through and ONWARD and FORWARD.
While I feel the pull and habits ---
I want to put my head in the sand.
I want to be taken care of by someone outside of me (child or benefactor fantasy?)
I want to not be agitated, and not have to resist Hand2Mouth urges...but they are there.
I want to not be afraid and anxious and to fill my days with positive people.
I am a NESTER. Housekeeping is the center of my little universe.
What will happen without a house? Maybe there will be a house. We don't know yet.
STAYING is not the only way of keeping.
MASS and VOLUME of BODY for me was a kind of Staying. GRAVITY and gravitas.
What if I don't find an apartment to buy? Then I'll rent something new.
(I lived in my little apartment 20 years. OMG OMG YES
It took at least six before it was pretty and cozy ... and it took the last six with Joe for it to be really Homey.)
LEARNING LESSONS AND MOVING ON
This new chapter of my life seems to be more about LIGHTNESS....
Twill be a discovery...
Back to Basics!
*Track Daily. Water. Spark Connect. Exercise.
*Reread old menus to remember what to eat (how I did it).
*Sign on every day..and RECORD all the food I eat ... BE A JOURNALIST
*Be conscious. Balance the budget.
Celebrate Life and Be In My Body ---
Move More, Eat Sustainably and Well.
Yes... Onward and downward!
AND Onward and FORWARD TOO!