It started with the chocolate dessert... or maybe it started when I against better judgement decided to eat the tortilla buffet I had fixed for the children. I did estimate and weigh and ended up wit a good calorie result for two tortillas with quorn, grated cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber corn and garlic sauce...since I had potato&leek soup for lunch it was within a healthy range for the day.
Then daughter asked if she and friend could make chocolate dessert - of course they could. After having those for dessert charming daughter says "We left one serving for you in the fridge too mum!"
The sane action for me is to immediately say:"Oh I don´t want one, you can share that between you" But...
inspires me to wait and think about it...maybe I could have that chocolate dessert inside my calorie limit as well.
And you know what? I could. But what I could not was to eat something like that outside of the plan I made in the morning. Because if I when I have eaten that brain starts to freak out and tell me that all is lost and I might as well ...
Usually I stop tracking when it goes wrong. But reading friend Joy helped me decide to track my excesses...and whaddayaknow...2000 cal extra just like that! I was not full, I could have eaten 2000 more easily, there was just not anything left to graze on in the house. Well there was, some low quality chocolate candy, used for baking. But after eating half of that package I found myself feeling nauseated and suspecting I would end up with a migraine today if I did not stop... threw the leftover away this morning.
Spark People, dieticians, doctors...all those sources advices about balanced changes - there should be no forbidden foods and not too strict plans.... well they do not know how far I am in my disease! For me to think that I can have a chocolate dessert at home alone is like an alcoholic to think that she can have just one drink...
It is not the first time I have written this but I repeat it - when I gave up drinking I removed all red wine from my house (kept liqueurs but I had not touched that for years, and did not feel any urge to do so) After four years of sobriety I moved and shared house for a year - that woman had wine at home and drank sometimes with meals. No problem at all to me but it would have been if I had not had those four years of sobriety in my backbone.
Wit the same argument I might be able to resist a chocolate dessert in my fridge after four years of balanced eating...but not today.
It is insane how I keep fooling myself that I might be able to handle it "just this time"...hah!
It is always advised against making too big changes at the same time but I also have this motto "If you keep doing what you always have done, you will get the result you always have gotten"
I have tried to lose weight for forty years. The few times I have been successful for longer periods ( 1- 4 months) has been weightwatchers (4 months) soup menu (five weeks) trying to cut back without counting or weighing too much (for months) and weight group (9 months).
Causes to gain weight are: Love food, life is boring/stressful, evening habits.
That I love food I can´t do that much about, luckily I love healthy food as well as unhealthy I can probably satisfy my love of food with healthy restricted choices.
That life is boring/stressful is simply not true - it is an attitude I have sometimes, looking back I must say that my life so far has been more fun and balanced than most peoples, it is more my personality that gets so easily bored with things.
Evening habits...that will be hard to change. My energy and mood is low in the afternoon and I think I "deserve" to become a couchpotato in front of the teve. Yes, I have tried knitting and it works for a while. It is recommended not more then two hours of teve a day, I could probably live with that but would have to plan... and maybe record things one night and look at them the next, that would help but I can´t bring myself to start planning.
Today the girls wanted to bake a cake, part of it because they want to have it as snack on the bus. I think I will change their plan to muffins - they can make muffins and bring all of them, a cake would be too much, some of it would be left and although the little devil tells me "you can keep it and take it to work monday" ...pah! I know that sometime tonight I will eat it all...
It is weird, by now I KNOW how things work with me still I keep fooling myself and thinking that I can manage it "just this time..."