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Reality in My Face

Sunday, January 13, 2013

For the past few days I have been at the hospital visiting my daughter's father. He is 38 years old and suffering from liver failure and a host of other problems associated with it. His name is Charles.

Charles has been a heavy drinker for years. He suffers from extreme anxiety and depression. Alcohol was/is his vice to cope.

As I've been sitting by his bed watching him struggle to breathe I think to myself, "It didn't have to be like this, he's so young." These days someone in their 50-60's is young. Charles is a baby.

So as I'm coping with this and trying to be strong for my daughter, the reality of not taking care of yourself, of using addictions as coping mechanisms, of ignoring signs and pain for years, is smacking me in the face.

Tonight I am lying in bed and my legs are bloated. I have been dealing with this and pain in my legs for over a year. I can barely walk 5 minutes without being winded. The list of things I can't do gets longer and longer by the day. I am 36 years old. I am a baby too. I don't want to be lying in a hospital bed in two years begging for air like Charles did today.

Most importantly, I don't want my daughter to have to bury 2 parents by the time she is 25.

That's why I'm here. It can't be too late for me. But I need help. I am fiercely independent, always thinking I can do things on my own. I am admitting defeat. I am waving the white flag. I need help. I am willing to work and travel the long road to health, knowing that the road to health is in the opposite direction of the inevitable hospital bed I will end up in if I don't start this journey now.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ADAGIO_CON_BRIO 1/21/2013 4:24PM

    You can do it and you must do it. I am deeply moved by your situation and that of your daughter. I've learned to embrace healthier ways and it actually feels good.

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CYNNISTER 1/19/2013 4:46PM

  ...Maybe we can start taking walks on our Monday lunches? I'm really proud of you for doing this, hon! emoticon

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JLPEASE 1/13/2013 7:27PM

    You have already taken the first steps: admitting that you can't do it alone and asking for help. You should be proud of this and I hope that you find as much love and support here that so many of us have. Together, we CAN do this!!
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KDOUG1981 1/13/2013 5:42AM

    Very sorry that your family is going through this turmoil, sometimes out of bad situations comes an awakening and it sounds like you have had one. I truly wish you the best of luck on your journey!

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KASEYCOFF 1/13/2013 3:39AM

    You're right: it's not too late. It's never - NEVER - too late.

This is a good first step, coming to a place where there are other people struggling with many of the same issues you are, who are striving for goals of health, fitness, and a better quality of life.

Now for step 2: where will you go from here? You have an array of options. Perhaps reading through some of the forums and articles and interacting with your fellow Sparkers will help you determine what you want to do next.
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PHOENIX1949 1/13/2013 2:03AM

    You've taken the first big step by coming to SparkPeople. Start working the tools available and they will work for you. Step-by-step.

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SPSPSP1 1/13/2013 1:22AM

    I'm so sorry for the pain of your ex as well as yours. But, it's truly wonderful that you are taking steps to take care of yourself. I suggest checking out Al Anon meetings and/or reading books (or listening to audio CD's) of Martha Beck, Michael Singer's "The Untethered Soul", or Marianne Williamson's "Return to Love". If none of these appeals to you, there are so many other resources. I wish you the best.

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