Saturday, January 12, 2013
Nothing like trying on clothes in plus sizes and not having them fit and seeing your full length triple-view reflection under garish fluorescent lights to make you want to run screaming from the dressing room in Kohl's....only if I did that, many people would have seen my naked pudge belly and flabby thighs and gargantuan butt cheeks -- bad enough I got to see them and I was not happy, not at all...mortified, disgusted, ashamed - that pretty much sums it up. It is something I never want to see again but I will, only I am going to be monitoring how it changes. I am going to watch the transformation take place, the emergence of myself from a fat blob to a someone who is sleek, trim, toned, and healthy.
I saw other women in the plus size department and I thought - wow, they are large - and then realized that I was right there with them, trying on the same tent-size fashions, looking to cover the butt, the tummy, the bat wings...I have become what I feared and dreaded and never thought could happen to me.
But I am motivated, oh yes -- I know I cannot and will not be seen at this weight in the summer wearing shorts or a bathing suit. As it is, I hate to have my husband see me naked and I know he loves me and would never say anything about my size but I am certainly not the woman he married. I am disgusting to look at, I am not myself, I don't see ME anymore, just a fat old lady.
But like I said - I AM MOTIVATED. I can and I will change. I am relatively healthy and have enough energy to walk and do some exercises with a video, I can dance to my ipod tunes, I can do laps around my building during lunch hour and break times...I can eat only when I am hungry and only food that I enjoy - food that is healthy, not junk, because I deserve better than junk. I don't need to eat away stress or boredom or loneliness. I don't have to sneak any food and eat it in private or stash it away anymore.
I want to be a success story. I want to motivate people to succeed but I first have to succeed myself, or at least encourage others and hope they will encourage me. This is a journey, a lifestyle change, and if I don't do it now, I do not want to be here a year from now even heavier and more despondent.