Saturday, January 12, 2013
January 12, 2013
January is always hard for me. My dad passed away 20 years ago, yesterday. It was always the day after that was the hardest. I was 8. My dad was my world. He loved me unconditionally. He was my confidant, my best friend, my hero.
I've missed him more than anyone can imagine. Not only did I lose my dad on that day but my mom checked out from life as well. My family was shattered and nothing was ever the same again.
Most Januaries I find myself in a terrible hole. My depression is at an all time high. I cry a lot, I don't really sleep or eat. This January has been different. I've maintained some type of sleep schedule. (Even if that means laying in bed staring at the ceiling until the alarm goes off.) I've maintained a healthy eating pattern, worked out consistently and continued blogging. I have stayed checked in when all I ever want to do is check out.
Why is this year different? My life is changing. I don't want to leave my kids. I don't want to die as young as my dad was. Fear no longer controls my decision making. I was always scared of failure and as a result I never succeeded. I think maybe I was really scared of success because that would means trying would mean more than a half arsed attempt at making things happen. Success brings with it expectations. I'm not afraid of being a success anymore.
My success right now just happens to be that this week alone I've gone down 20 inches. Yes, 20 inches! I can't believe my triumph. On the back of such a strongly sorrowful month some how I've overcome and triumphed. I'm one bra size away from my goal of purchasing a victoria secret bra. I'm two pants sizes away from being entirely out of the plus sized section. Little by little my dreams are coming true. Today and every day is a choice we make. Let us no longer live focus on the past or gazing into the future. "Today is a gift that's why it's called the present." :)
Who do you miss? How do you cope? Is there anyone you wish to make proud through the way you live your life?
Feel free to share your journey! I love hearing from everyone.