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A day of sorrow, a day of triumph...

Saturday, January 12, 2013

January 12, 2013

January is always hard for me. My dad passed away 20 years ago, yesterday. It was always the day after that was the hardest. I was 8. My dad was my world. He loved me unconditionally. He was my confidant, my best friend, my hero.

I've missed him more than anyone can imagine. Not only did I lose my dad on that day but my mom checked out from life as well. My family was shattered and nothing was ever the same again.

Most Januaries I find myself in a terrible hole. My depression is at an all time high. I cry a lot, I don't really sleep or eat. This January has been different. I've maintained some type of sleep schedule. (Even if that means laying in bed staring at the ceiling until the alarm goes off.) I've maintained a healthy eating pattern, worked out consistently and continued blogging. I have stayed checked in when all I ever want to do is check out.

Why is this year different? My life is changing. I don't want to leave my kids. I don't want to die as young as my dad was. Fear no longer controls my decision making. I was always scared of failure and as a result I never succeeded. I think maybe I was really scared of success because that would means trying would mean more than a half arsed attempt at making things happen. Success brings with it expectations. I'm not afraid of being a success anymore.

My success right now just happens to be that this week alone I've gone down 20 inches. Yes, 20 inches! I can't believe my triumph. On the back of such a strongly sorrowful month some how I've overcome and triumphed. I'm one bra size away from my goal of purchasing a victoria secret bra. I'm two pants sizes away from being entirely out of the plus sized section. Little by little my dreams are coming true. Today and every day is a choice we make. Let us no longer live focus on the past or gazing into the future. "Today is a gift that's why it's called the present." :)

Who do you miss? How do you cope? Is there anyone you wish to make proud through the way you live your life?

Feel free to share your journey! I love hearing from everyone.

As Always,
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon ON TREMENDOUS SUCCESS this month!! You truly deserve to be commended! You asked how do we (me) cope w/ loss of a loved one (or ones) ..... And how would you make them proud? ......... (I hope you can come visit my blog of today: "Someone has to Be #1--Why Not You?" ..........
    I have had to deal w/ some unfortunate and extremely untimely losses .......... What I had to do was finally just go on ........ I am a woman who lives strongly by Faith and that has caused me to overcome many obstacles in this life ......... It is not an easy task but I do know this lifetime is but a drop in the bucket compared to eternity .......... Life in the world to come ............. so I get very involved and stay focused and one place is right here in Sparks ........ I love to blog and encourage others and I think the one thing to make a loved one proud is to go on with your life and make the absolute most of it .............. No parent would ever want you to continue to suffer but to have a healthy whole life ........... full of joy and peace ............. So since I am here to speak, I will pray that for you ............. Life and much happiness ......... Keep going on your journey to much success! emoticon
    1837 days ago
  • LAC936
    Hi Mary; sorry you're still struggling from your loss. My Mom died 30 years ago and it feels like yesterday. She was my best friend and we did lots of things together. She was only 65 when she died and missed so much that happened in our family that would have thrilled her. I too was in depression for several years but have now realized my memories are stronger and can relive in my mind all our good times together.

    WTG on the 20" ... what an accomplishment and boy would your Dad be proud to know the hurdle you just jumped,

    emoticon emoticon
    1837 days ago
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