Saturday, January 12, 2013
So. Over the fall and Christmas I had a gain of 33 lbs.
You read that right.
From my lowest point of 97 lbs lost.
For some that may be their total weight they want to lose. For others that's a drop in the bucket.
I know some of it was salt (over Christmas, especially). After my surgery I was only up 22lbs. I lost a couple being pretty strict with calories while I was practically immobile.
I let myself slide. Slide into old/unhealthy eating habits. More eating out, desserts, more toast and peanut butter before a run of 5-10k or so. I don't need more peanut butter toast before that length of a run! 1 piece is enough. 4 is too many.
And I let myself stop tracking the food into Sparkpeople.
And I stopped weighing in at least once a week. My scale got buried under a pile of towels there for a while.
So that is why you've been seeing my weight drop every day or two, or whatnot. I'm sure it's a lot of salt. There shall be no hiding for the time being. I know that bodies fluctuate, and mine has been doing that- drop 2, gain 1, drop 1, another 1, gain 2, drop 3, gain 1....I don't panic if I see a slight gain as I am doing everything right and will see it go down again. My body has never maintained the same weight from 1 weigh-in to the next. Ever. That I ever remember. How do people accomplish that?!
I'm good at losing and apparently, as history has shown, I've got gaining cased as well.
But that's not it. I WILL take that off again, and more.
That is just leading into this:
The weight gain has MESSED with my HEAD.
All of a sudden I was all, 'pffft, I don't care, I'll have this extra cinnamon bun as well. Whatever.'
And, 'I don't want to go out in public as much anymore.'
And, 'pffft, lets hold back on taking pictures again.'
And the worst of all, 'I CAN'T RUN AS FAST.' 'I CAN'T DO THIS.' 'THIS IS HARD.'
Ummm, say what?! That has NEVER been in my head before. Sure some things may be hard, but that's why it's called putting in the EFFORT.
And so I started taking walk breaks within my 10 minute runs (10 min run, 1 minute walk, 10 run, 1 walk, etc- this is normal. 10 min run, 1 walk, 3 run, 2 walk, 5 run, 1 walk, etc is NOT NORMAL for me).
When did I EVER need a walk break in the middle of runs?! Not even on my long 18k runs.
And the gain number messed with my head that I was turning around early and running 6k instead of 8, and still taking walks when I should have been running.
And I'm sure my Tom Green guy was, on those runs, wondering WTF?! Well, at least I was thinking that about myself.
And this gain messed with my head so much that I even, for a brief second, contemplated quitting running. And I thought on my first clinic day (Tues) that maybe this 5k clinic group I am leading will be it for me for running.
And then Wednesday I snapped. I said, 'this is it. I CAN do it. My brain full of negative thoughts does NOT have a PLACE here ANYMORE!'
I need to stay OUT of my HEAD!
Me: Screw you, brain.
Brain: Whatever, fatty.
Me: I have lost over 70lbs! You have NO control over me!
Note: I am not used to negative thoughts about myself, except when I realized what the scale weighed again after Christmas. Not even at my highest. My brain and I are pretty cool, usually.
So my resolve was set.
And my 9.8k run on Wed? I rocked it. I didn't run it as fast as I have before, but I didn't take those breaks either.
So I tried this method in my spin class today.
my brain: my legs are burning! They can't go on!
Me: stay out of this, brain!
And so I took my focus off of the thoughts and what do you know?! I crushed it. I don't recall ever spinning that hard or fast before!