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    PIXIE-LICIOUS   130,731
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The best F word is Forgiveness

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Saturday, January 12, 2013



Today is day 15 of my current "on track" streak!

On Thursday, I blogged about my hubby calling me "fat" during an argument, and I got a lot of replies to that blog. Lots of great advice and caring, so thank you to everyone who responded.

I just want to say that my hubby is a great guy. For him to call me "fat" or any other derogatory name is completely out of character for him. He has always been my number one fan, and he has done so much to teach me to love myself.

Before I met him, I had the worlds lowest self esteem. My whole life, I had been abused, physically and verbally....by my parents, by the bullies at school, and by my first husband. The cruel things that they said and did to me just about completely destroyed my soul. As a child and teen, I would starve myself, or binge and purge. I was very thin.

As an adult, I went the opposite direction...I would just eat, and eat, and eat. I think I was trying to stuff all the pain down. My first husband would say things like "I'm embarrassed to be seen in public with a fatty like you." Or "I'm too good looking to be married to you." Those words would devastate me, and I would comfort myself with food. And then I would feel shame, because all that food was just making me fatter and fatter. And so to comfort myself, I would eat more. It was a terrible cycle that I couldn't stop. I would have times when I would "go on a diet" and I would lose some weight. But then my first husband would say something mean about my weight or looks, and I would be back to my old habits, and the weight would come right back on.




Even after my first husband died, I could still hear his cruel words. I felt in my heart that he was right. I was just a fatty, and I didn't deserve love. But then, two years later, I met D. He was handsome, in shape...and ten years younger than me! He was so funny and had such a zest for life. We became friends, and I developed a huge crush on him. I tried to hide it though...I thought "He would just laugh if he knew a fat old woman had feelings for him." Isn't that sad? I was only 35 years old but I thought I was an old woman! I had given up on myself.



Eventually, we ended up as more than friends. He never mentioned my weight, but I often wondered if he was embarrassed by me because I was so much bigger than him. Then in 2005, when I was 44, we were on vacation in Florida. We decided to spend the day in Saint Augustine, walking through the city. It was so HOT that day, in the high 90's. I weighed 260 lbs, and the heat got to me. I tried to keep going, but the heat was too intense, and before long I was panting, sweating and having to sit down every few minutes because I thought I was going to faint. Finally, hubby told me to wait right where I was, and he went and got the car and came back to pick me up. I was so embarrassed and ashamed! I kept expecting him to start insulting me, as my first husband would have. But when he finally spoke, he said "I love you....but you are killing yourself. You have to lose the weight, because I can't live without you."

No one had ever said anything so loving to me before! But it was just what I needed. I ended up joining Curves and watching what I ate. I became a vegetarian. I ultimately lost 86 lbs. But then, some bad things happened in our lives, and I became depressed. I gained the weight back....and more. Hubby never said anything mean to me about it, but he did express his concern. But I was too depressed to care. I could see how sad and worried he was about my weight, but by the time I DID start to care, I was just too overwhelmed to even think about losing it again. I'd gained so much! My previous highest weight had been 260, but now I was up to 286. It just seemed like an impossible amount to lose.

But finally, last March, I decided to get started. Instead of thinking about the huge number of pounds I would have to lose, I decided to focus on my health, and on non-scale victories. I got my starting weigh in, and after that I just starting doing my best every day to get healthy. I quit Curves, and started to workout out at home instead. And my hubby was there for me every step of the way. If I wasn't feeling motivated to workout, he would workout with me. If I didn't want to fix myself something healthy to eat, he would fix it for me. He would compliment my every little effort, and he made it a point to notice every bit of progress I made. And I finally realized that I needed to really love myself. It doesn't matter what my parents said, or what those bullies in school said, or what my first husband said. Their opinions didn't have to be my reality anymore!




With my hubby's encouragement, help and support, I kept working out and eating right. I have made so much progress since March, and he has been there to cheer me on every single day. And he has always loved me, no matter what the scale said.

So back to my Thursday blog, the one about our argument and him calling me fat. We have talked it out, and everything is fine between us. He has promised to never call me that word again...and I had to make a promise too. I'm not Miss Innocent in this. I said some pretty rotten things to him too, and I have promised not to say those things again. Of course, either of us might slip up in the heat of the moment, but we both love each other enough to TRY our hardest not to let it happen.

The best F word is Forgiveness.

Dedicated to the best hubby ever!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=
NcbAibPA2yY


(This is "our song.")
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TXGRANDMA 1/13/2013 11:02PM

    I agree with you entirely on the best F word being foregiveness! My heart broke for you reading about your first husband and the way he abused you. So sorry that you had to go through that but glad that you found your present hubby!

I loved what he said about not being able to live without you. I guess maybe in the heat of the moment that other f word just slipped out? So good that you and he have discussed the argument and decided that it would not happen again, on either side. Good luck on the continuance of your journey to thin, once again! emoticon

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BLUEKITTYJAN 1/13/2013 10:50PM

    Pixie, I am very happy for you and your DH that you resolved this instance. I think you did a great job explaining your past abuse. You made DH sound wonderful.....but I am a psychologist. I know that abused people choose abusers. DH is wonderful most of the time, but he came to the one thing he knew would hurt you the most and throw you back into that poor abused person you were. I would recommend that if you and DH have anymore arguments that get out of hand like Thursdays, that you seek marital counseling.
You don't have to be on the verge of divorce to seek this and it sometimes helps you find relief in things you find hard to express to each other. Be safe.

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LIVELYGIRL2 1/13/2013 10:28PM

  You really bared your soul and we an understand you better. I'm glad what your honey said, about wanting to keep you ( that your a treasure).

I respect that you also shared that his remark is just frustration or just being bothered at the moment.

Forgiveness is vital and discussions and working things out are what makes relationships strong.

When one puts their faith in the mix, we become a three strand cord that has strength to not break. emoticon

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SIMOFDIM 1/13/2013 10:08PM

    emoticon

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1MYSTERY_LADY 1/13/2013 9:51PM

    emoticon

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HEARTS116 1/13/2013 9:43PM

    LOVE this! Great blog!!
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CLAYARTIST 1/13/2013 9:32PM

  emoticon emoticon

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NERDLETTE 1/13/2013 9:11PM

    Awesome story, Pixie. Thanks so much for sharing! emoticon

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KTTAYLOR21 1/13/2013 9:10PM

    I love it!!! emoticon

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JAMER123 1/13/2013 8:54PM

    Thank you, Pixie!! I love your F word today. It is a word we should all practice every day of our lives. You have a DH that sounds so similar to my DH. We have never had harsh words to each other and he supports whatever I do. it seems we have mental telepathy in that we always start to say the same thing at the same time:):) He is my soul mate. You have a dear one too. Great blog!!!
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SHOAPIE 1/13/2013 8:53PM

    emoticon

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CKAYTHOMAS 1/13/2013 8:32PM

    I am sorry for the verbal abuse from your first husband. So glad you came to resolution.
You can do it!
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KHALIA2 1/13/2013 8:30PM

  This blog made God smile. emoticon

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MAGA99 1/13/2013 8:21PM

    great blog ty 4 sharing

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PRACTICINGPEACE 1/13/2013 8:19PM

    Dear Pixie,

Congratulations on being a survivor! Refusing to let the abusive words and actions of the past determine your present can be such a struggle for me sometimes. You are amazing -- transforming your whole self!

Thank you for stopping by my page and encouraging me. You make a big difference in my journey! What an inspiration!

Hugs,
Janet

Comment edited on: 1/13/2013 8:20:34 PM

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BKNOCK 1/13/2013 8:06PM

    What a beautiful blog! emoticon

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CVRONEK 1/13/2013 8:01PM

    Thank you, Pixie.
I appreciate you being able to be honest, with your story and proud of how you are dealing with all that comes across your path. Life is a learning experience and you are doing great! emoticon

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JEANNINEMM68 1/13/2013 8:00PM

    I agree emoticon

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REBIRTHDIVA 1/13/2013 7:50PM

    emoticon

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PATRICIAANN46 1/13/2013 7:46PM

  emoticon Pixie..........
Your blogs are always so real and so full of excellent advice. You are doing a wonderful job. emoticon

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NEWTINK 1/13/2013 7:44PM

    emoticon

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MSROZZIE 1/13/2013 7:42PM

    Great blog and thanks for sharing. Keep the FAITH! Remember, YOU are worth the effort! Hugs to your husband for being there for you too! emoticon emoticon

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GRANNY2B2 1/13/2013 7:38PM

    emoticon m emoticon emoticon

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PEGGYO 1/13/2013 7:23PM

    thanks for sharing

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HOWIEANN 1/13/2013 7:04PM

    Fabulous!

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JOANNHUNT 1/13/2013 7:02PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PURPLE180 1/13/2013 6:57PM

    emoticon

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FRANCES-AGAPE 1/13/2013 6:42PM

    emoticon
WOW !
So much of what you said
applies to ME too !
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On getting your act together
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It is VERY ENCOURAGING
that I too may be able to

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for baring your soul
and sharing in all your posts



Have a Marvelous Monday !

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LOVE and BLESSINGS !

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LOLOSMOMMY 1/13/2013 5:33PM

    emoticon emoticon

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SUSIEMT 1/13/2013 5:13PM

    I agree thanks for the follow up! Keep up the the good work and you are right the best F word is forgiveness! Especially, yourself!

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GETTINGTHINNER2 1/13/2013 5:04PM

    emoticon

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WILLOWBROOK5 1/13/2013 4:49PM

    What a great story! Your husband sounds awesome. Just like his awesome wife! And I agree, the best F word is Forgiveness. Thanks for sharing this wonderful post.
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MOMFAN 1/13/2013 4:47PM

    emoticon

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ROCKYCPA 1/13/2013 4:47PM

    So glad everything worked out with you husband - you are really doing well!

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JOYFULSONG45 1/13/2013 4:45PM

    Thanks so much for sharing. He sounds like a great guy! You are a blessing and encouragement.

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ALIDOSHA 1/13/2013 4:43PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LAINYC 1/13/2013 4:39PM

    emoticon emoticon

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CAROLJEAN64 1/13/2013 4:35PM

    Thanks so much for this follow-up. Such a great example of not letting one event, moment, word, argument be the focus of your life. You sound like an awesome couple. I am lucky enough to have been married to my best friend for over 45 years... and yes, there have been arguments, but the sweetness of making up and the gaining of understanding and growth have always been the important part.

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BRENNA84 1/13/2013 4:15PM

    awww. this is so sweet. and yes, with most, not ALL relationship arguments, I don't think anyone is COMPLETELY innocent in an argument. hehe. unless its super abusive.

so nice to make up with your greatest supporter

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JUSGETTENBY42 1/13/2013 4:00PM

    emoticon

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HOLLYM48 1/13/2013 3:56PM

    I am so glad to hear that he is really a good guy and that he has been your biggest supporter! You have to love yourself for others to love you and it sounds like you have made tremendous strides to get there! There is respectful arguing and it does have to be from both sides so I am glad you talked it out and both of you forgave each other. That is what makes a marriage strong, to see the mistakes and to pick yourself up and move on with better understanding and love!
I am so happy for you both to be in such a great relationship!
Hugs!!
Holly emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LSIG14 1/13/2013 3:48PM

  I agree wholeheartedly - forgiveness is a much better F-word as is Fresh-start. Good luck to you on your journey along with your terrific hubby!

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MARYJEANSL 1/13/2013 3:39PM

  He definitely sounds like the best husband ever! You are very blessed, both of you, to have each other. Forgiveness is indeed the best word.

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CAROLJ35 1/13/2013 3:30PM

    SUCH HONESTY!!! And very well said!

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CHERYLSBUTT 1/13/2013 3:15PM

    atta girl!
Thanks for sharing the otherside

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SMARIEB 1/13/2013 3:15PM

  thanks for your words, makes one appreciate what they have


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J2740LOU 1/13/2013 3:09PM

    Forgiveness; the most important "F" word. Great Blog. Thanks for sharing. Love is what matters......"No matter What!" emoticon

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LYNCHD05 1/13/2013 2:58PM

    It is good that you wrote this blog because he sounds like a very special person and you were right to clarify that. We all say things in the heat of the moment that we wish we could take back but realizing it is I portent too. Way to go with the weight loss.

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NEWCHINELO 1/13/2013 2:34PM

    Thanks for sharing your story,you truly inspire me.

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CSMNETC 1/13/2013 2:30PM

    Thank you for sharing your deeply personal, thought provoking, and very touching story. - Maryjean

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