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    PIXIE-LICIOUS   170,475
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The best F word is Forgiveness

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Saturday, January 12, 2013

Today is day 15 of my current "on track" streak!

On Thursday, I blogged about my hubby calling me "fat" during an argument, and I got a lot of replies to that blog. Lots of great advice and caring, so thank you to everyone who responded.

I just want to say that my hubby is a great guy. For him to call me "fat" or any other derogatory name is completely out of character for him. He has always been my number one fan, and he has done so much to teach me to love myself.

Before I met him, I had the worlds lowest self esteem. My whole life, I had been abused, physically and my parents, by the bullies at school, and by my first husband. The cruel things that they said and did to me just about completely destroyed my soul. As a child and teen, I would starve myself, or binge and purge. I was very thin.

As an adult, I went the opposite direction...I would just eat, and eat, and eat. I think I was trying to stuff all the pain down. My first husband would say things like "I'm embarrassed to be seen in public with a fatty like you." Or "I'm too good looking to be married to you." Those words would devastate me, and I would comfort myself with food. And then I would feel shame, because all that food was just making me fatter and fatter. And so to comfort myself, I would eat more. It was a terrible cycle that I couldn't stop. I would have times when I would "go on a diet" and I would lose some weight. But then my first husband would say something mean about my weight or looks, and I would be back to my old habits, and the weight would come right back on.

Even after my first husband died, I could still hear his cruel words. I felt in my heart that he was right. I was just a fatty, and I didn't deserve love. But then, two years later, I met D. He was handsome, in shape...and ten years younger than me! He was so funny and had such a zest for life. We became friends, and I developed a huge crush on him. I tried to hide it though...I thought "He would just laugh if he knew a fat old woman had feelings for him." Isn't that sad? I was only 35 years old but I thought I was an old woman! I had given up on myself.

Eventually, we ended up as more than friends. He never mentioned my weight, but I often wondered if he was embarrassed by me because I was so much bigger than him. Then in 2005, when I was 44, we were on vacation in Florida. We decided to spend the day in Saint Augustine, walking through the city. It was so HOT that day, in the high 90's. I weighed 260 lbs, and the heat got to me. I tried to keep going, but the heat was too intense, and before long I was panting, sweating and having to sit down every few minutes because I thought I was going to faint. Finally, hubby told me to wait right where I was, and he went and got the car and came back to pick me up. I was so embarrassed and ashamed! I kept expecting him to start insulting me, as my first husband would have. But when he finally spoke, he said "I love you....but you are killing yourself. You have to lose the weight, because I can't live without you."

No one had ever said anything so loving to me before! But it was just what I needed. I ended up joining Curves and watching what I ate. I became a vegetarian. I ultimately lost 86 lbs. But then, some bad things happened in our lives, and I became depressed. I gained the weight back....and more. Hubby never said anything mean to me about it, but he did express his concern. But I was too depressed to care. I could see how sad and worried he was about my weight, but by the time I DID start to care, I was just too overwhelmed to even think about losing it again. I'd gained so much! My previous highest weight had been 260, but now I was up to 286. It just seemed like an impossible amount to lose.

But finally, last March, I decided to get started. Instead of thinking about the huge number of pounds I would have to lose, I decided to focus on my health, and on non-scale victories. I got my starting weigh in, and after that I just starting doing my best every day to get healthy. I quit Curves, and started to workout out at home instead. And my hubby was there for me every step of the way. If I wasn't feeling motivated to workout, he would workout with me. If I didn't want to fix myself something healthy to eat, he would fix it for me. He would compliment my every little effort, and he made it a point to notice every bit of progress I made. And I finally realized that I needed to really love myself. It doesn't matter what my parents said, or what those bullies in school said, or what my first husband said. Their opinions didn't have to be my reality anymore!

With my hubby's encouragement, help and support, I kept working out and eating right. I have made so much progress since March, and he has been there to cheer me on every single day. And he has always loved me, no matter what the scale said.

So back to my Thursday blog, the one about our argument and him calling me fat. We have talked it out, and everything is fine between us. He has promised to never call me that word again...and I had to make a promise too. I'm not Miss Innocent in this. I said some pretty rotten things to him too, and I have promised not to say those things again. Of course, either of us might slip up in the heat of the moment, but we both love each other enough to TRY our hardest not to let it happen.

The best F word is Forgiveness.

Dedicated to the best hubby ever!

(This is "our song.")

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
PHOENIX1949 1/15/2013 2:22AM


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LAURAKOHORST 1/15/2013 2:20AM


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KOOKYKATHIE 1/15/2013 1:40AM

    Sounds like your husband is really great!

It's good you 2 can talk things out and get over them.

I'm so proud that you didn't use food to soothe your hurt feelings.

We've come a long way Baby! emoticon

Loved Metallica's song!

Comment edited on: 1/15/2013 1:42:52 AM

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LUVTOBOWL 1/14/2013 10:06PM

    It seems to me you have a great caring hubby Pixie, just keep doing what you're doing for you. You Rock!


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GOALDRIVEN3 1/14/2013 9:56PM

  emoticon Good for you. Keep working on you with his support!

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SMLAPINSKI 1/14/2013 8:00PM

    Amen, Sister! This statement is more profound than most of us understand. Forgiveness is key in all of our lives! Blessings!!

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SJKENT1 1/14/2013 7:47PM

    Thanks for your honesty.

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THINNYMINNY 1/14/2013 7:27PM

A loving relationship is a precious gift.
Thanks for sharing.

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L1ZB3TH354 1/14/2013 7:03PM

    You are so lucky to have a wonderful husband! He sounds very supportive. I'm glad you made those promises to each other. 10 years younger, huh?! Your name should be cougar-licious! Lol!

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SNOWYOGA 1/14/2013 6:06PM

    Thank you for sharing and love the scale picture! emoticon emoticon

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GODSBEST 1/14/2013 5:58PM

    And that's what a good marriage looks like!

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NEVERORNOW 1/14/2013 5:18PM

    How very blessed you both are to have each other! Thanks for sharing this story, it touched me deeply!

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JELLYBELLY221 1/14/2013 4:55PM

    What a lovely story. You are blessed to have a husband who truly cares about you, and not what you look like. I am equally blessed. Thanks for sharing.


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NLYR20 1/14/2013 4:05PM

  Nice to hear that. Enjoy your journey. Look forward to have more cherishing moments... emoticon emoticon

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CHUEYSMOM 1/14/2013 3:40PM

    Pixie, what an inspiring story. Thank you for sharing your personal journey. I wish you and your hubby the best in your continued journey together! emoticon You can do anything together.

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RESCUELADY99 1/14/2013 3:00PM

  Awww.. that brought tears to my eyes, How lucky you both are to have found each other. I am so happy you guys are back on good terms and have worked things out. He sounds like a wonderful guy.

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HFAYE81 1/14/2013 2:58PM

    I'm so glad you've found someone who loves you so much. It really is wonderful. emoticon

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ISABELLE31 1/14/2013 2:43PM

    Great blog. My usually-supportive-and-wonderful husband has also said some nasty things in the heat of an argument that he didn't mean but knew would elicit a response, like you, I'm not innocent, either.

Thanks for sharing your story and reminding me I'm not the only one.

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FRAN0426 1/14/2013 2:14PM

    Great blog, thanks for sharing with us. All the best going onward in your journey.

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BSLMKH1954 1/14/2013 1:33PM

    Good to see that there are more great husbands besides my late husband. My husband died in Dec 2010 but he always supported me in everything I wanted to do. I just wish I had wanted to really lose the weight back then because he would have been great support. Now I don't have any support system and that makes for a very hard journey to get healthy.

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DEANNAMB33 1/14/2013 1:27PM

  I'm jealous!!! I wish I had such great support!!!

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HEALTHYSLIM2 1/14/2013 12:51PM

    Terrific Blog!
When you have a good spouse, as yours definitely seems to be!, marriage is all about the good times AND the bad times... and knowing that you will weather through it by forgiving whatever needs to be forgiven, looking for and wanting the best for each other, and focusing forward.
It was great to read your first blog, and now this one!
Here's to continued success in all you do!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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STODD251 1/14/2013 12:31PM

    Your husband sounds amazing. What a blessing to have someone like that supporting you on this journey. It can make all the difference in the world.

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CFMOSS 1/14/2013 11:38AM

    Absolutely - forgiveness probably does more for me as I forgive than the person forgiven - I'm not left tied up in knots (eating and munching)

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COOKIE_AT_51 1/14/2013 11:13AM

    I love what you said about "their comments ... not having to be your reality anymore" that really hit home. Fresh Start is what it says on your page, here's to a fresh start in all ways!


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CMILLER61 1/14/2013 10:09AM

    Awesome blog, thanks for sharing. I know that I am the hardest on myself for my weight. I can't seem to get over that feeling of unworthiness when I gain weight.

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SUGAR0814 1/14/2013 9:58AM

    emoticon Thank you for sharing!

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PATTYSPENCER 1/14/2013 9:56AM

    I've been divorced since 1979 - I can still hear the hurtful words my then husband use to spew at me - one of his favorites was calling me a gutter slut when I'd put a dirty dish on the "clean" side. Notice - I've been divorced - and NEVER married again since 1979. Will probably never get those words out of my head.

Glad you've found someome that supports you (I won't even give a guy a chance any more)

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DEBIGENE 1/14/2013 9:53AM

    Forgiveness is ..... the gift we give ourselves.

Forgiveness is ..... giving up the hope that the past can be any different.

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FARIS71 1/14/2013 9:44AM

    You sound like an awesome pair. And human, so bound to goof up. Congrats to both of you for communicating and fogiving and moving on!

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CHANGING-TURTLE 1/14/2013 9:25AM

    Thanks for sharing, I read something that I want to share with you. "From now on,no matter how tough life my be or how imperfect I may feel,I am going to honesty love myself." Brad Lamm

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BUSMOM27 1/14/2013 9:17AM


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SRBSRB26 1/14/2013 8:17AM

    Thanks for sharing!

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BLUEJEAN99 1/14/2013 8:00AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MIATIA1 1/14/2013 7:54AM

    Nice that you could admit your part in the argument for one can never do it alone and that you could talk and forgive etch other afterwards.... Your doing great and a lot of us have taken the same road of lost and having to regain but I think we needed that to learn a very valuable lesson so this time when we go all the way it is for good!!!! emoticon

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PUPPYWHISPERS 1/14/2013 7:50AM

    Thank you for sharing your story. Your story touches me especially because my story is similar to yours. I admire your strength and courage to overcome your struggles to become the wonderful role model you are today.

Great blog!

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LEANMEAN2 1/14/2013 6:58AM

    This is a really good blog. Thank you for sharing.
I needed the motivation.

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FITMOMINNJ 1/14/2013 6:49AM


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NFGFANIAM 1/14/2013 6:04AM

    so true!

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IMEMINE1 1/14/2013 5:50AM

    Arguments can be hurtful. I am happy you are emoticon once again. emoticon Great blog!

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YMWONG22 1/14/2013 4:58AM

  So glad your husband and you worked it out. You are right about "forgiveness". We need a lot of that in any relationships.
I would also like to add "communication" as an important part of it too.
Happy for you to have such a wonderful and caring soul mate by your side.
Do cherish and love each other everyday.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PLITIN 1/14/2013 4:16AM

    reading this post reminded me so much of myself and my past.
and just like you I have found a partner that seems to be equally supportive and loving.

bad things happen, even between "perfect" people/partners.
the main thing is to forgive, forget... and concentrate on the good.

just like my partner always reminds me: whenever you fall, just get up, push your crown back in place and keep on going ;)

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AMANDACOETZER 1/14/2013 4:00AM


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4RASCALS 1/14/2013 3:43AM


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SATCHMO99 1/14/2013 3:41AM

    hi Pixi

Sorry for your argument, but that's one incident in the whole of your time with your wonderful husband, so please don't let it overwhelm you. He has been a positive motivator all along, and will continue to be supportive of you.

I loved Gariana's husband's words "my crystal ball isn't telling me what is wrong...if I knew we could fix it". My DH often says, slightly less positively, "your crystal ball isn't working" when i think I've second guessed the reason for his bad moods.

Keep on loving yourself, keep on with your healthy living, and keep on loving that lovely husband of yours.

Satchmo x

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GARIANNA1 1/14/2013 2:05AM

  Isn't it funny that we always leave out ther part that we had in an changes the whole scenerio doesn't it.if you said some nasty things too...

The best advice my husband ever gave ro me when we first got together and I was mad about something and pouting he told crystal ball isn't telling me what is wrong...if I knew we could fix now we always say what is bothering us right away and not let it get to the point of "name calling"

My guy is my biggest morale booster! He always brags about how I do my walks in the sun, heat and even rain ohhh and today a very chilly cold day in Vegas...yes Vegas in the 30's ...whats with that?



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BANNERMAN 1/14/2013 1:20AM

  Thanks for shareing.
Keep up the good work!!

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GWINNER1 1/14/2013 1:19AM

    When I saw the title of the first blog "forgiveness" was the first word that came to mind. Then I read the blog. I understood your feelings. I love this blog too. What a wonderful husband you have! We all must walk in forgiveness daily. If we truly walk in love we can also walk in forgiveness. God bless you and your husband. Keep on working til you reach your goals. I know you'll do it!

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POPSY190 1/14/2013 1:12AM

    Great blog. Glad it all worked out well. emoticon

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LESLIE_2B_LESS 1/14/2013 12:07AM

    Thanks for sharing & being honest. That's hard to do ... cudos! emoticon

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