Sadly or Proudly I say: Hi, I am Lynette, and I am bulimic.
I am trying to proudly saying, "Hi, I am Lynette." But so sadly I say, "I am bulimic." I have been bulimic the past 10 years. After my 2nd child was born, I weighed 225 pounds. I went to WW and lost 90 pounds and yo-yo’d up and down a little. When my weight started really creeping back up, I panicked thinking about becoming “heavy” again. I would go months without an episode, usually when I was training for the Iron-Man triathlon or for marathons. Then in the blink of an eye it would resurface, and I was fully enthralled in it again.
So, after much prayer and thought after this last terrible episode, I have decided to tell people that I am bulimic. I need their love and support. I know there are some possible people out there who will use this information in a negative way, but I looked at all the benefits to telling people and all the negatives. I decided the benefits out-weighed the negatives. I keep trying to get “better” on my own and with just Heavenly Father’s help, but Heavenly Father has been begging me to tell others so they can help me too. I know I have been doing a great job working with my school students. When I am with the children I can completely give 100% of efforts and attention. I think I have been so passionate about my job at school I didn’t EVER need to think about myself. I would come home and would try to give my family the best of me too. I tried to give my family the best of me, but all I wanted to do was “tune-out” when I got home. This has been especially difficult for them to find out this past week. Please keep Randy, Ben, and Whitney in your prayers too.
I have had to start thinking about me and my feelings as I am trying to escape from this illness. The feelings that I have been feeling now are self-hate, unlovable, gross, and disgusting about my behaviors and actions. I am ashamed and upset, and I feel indescribable feelings of sadness, hurt and anxiety. I am sad now for myself and for everyone around me. I hate that they feel sad because of me. Although I am realizing that these past 10 years they’ve hurt for me too. I am sure I couldn’t completely hide my sadness which often arose in the form of ANGER and FRUSTRATION.
I told a few people at work. They were kind and asked how can I be supportive? One co-worker specifically helped me. She was looking for one of my students right after school. I had already locked my door and asked my boss if I could go home early. I went to open the door and she just said, "Oh Lynette, Are you ok?" I shook my head no. I couldn't really speak. I asked her to come in, and we talked for a minute. I told her how much I was in pain and just full of anxiety and shame. We talked for several minutes and this is what she said so kindly and in a way that I really understood and believed what she was saying.
As I continued to quietly cry and explain the cause of my pain, she said, "Lynette I don't see that. I don’t see ANY of that. NOBODY sees that. How can I help you? We all just want to help you:
That was it. It was very helpful. Before she said this, I felt like an unlovable person, because I’ve always thought I couldn’t control my words and thoughts in a negative way.
Again, she basically said I don't see you as the way YOU see you. NOBODY does. I have to write this 1,000 times, because she is right. I share this with you, because I also hope that if you know someone or if YOU are feeling self-hate or think that you aren't good enough for some crazy reason... OTHERS absolutely do NOT think of you in the same way as YOU think of YOU. A very few, also sick people might hate us or judge us. BUT the people who LOVE and CARE about us DO NOT care what our bodies look like or think that we are mean, disgusting, or gross. They LOVE us and want us to see ourselves the way THEY see us.
I am so thankful I have started telling people and sharing this with others. I shared this with several people yesterday and all (except 1) were 100% helpful and supportive. I can't believe the out-pouring of support and love for me. I am letting them express their love for me in real life and not over my casket like the place I thought I DESERVED to be for being so abusive to my body.
How can people support and HELP me? Before Reason #1 SO I will call this Prelude
Prelude: The only way people can help me is if I SHARE with them. MY heart-ache and pain. Just as I would my celebrations. It's weird... we don't ask others for love and support very often when we are hurting, We try to deal with our own heart-ache and pain BUT we CAN'T because we see ourselves negatively. We must let them help us and tell us what THEY see in us. Some times our loved ones can tell we are sad by other body language that we are hurting but it's OK to say, "I am hurting. I need your love and support."
#1 Treat Me the Same Way You've Always Treated Me: Please don't think of me any differently. DON'T think of me the way I think of me... Gross, disgusting, mean, negative, rude, impatient, etc... I could go on and on. I know all the reasons to hate me and be mean to me. See me the same way as YOU saw me. Tell me about how you saw me, so that I can start trying to REALLY believe it.
#2 Email or Call me. I don't mind if you check-in just to say "Hi". Funny how I haven't been doing this as much lately either. It's a 2 - Way street. Let me call you in my times of need (maybe when I want to binge) and LOVE me during this time. I also need someone to come to an LDS 12-Step meeting with me. ***My Spark-Friends are the BEST!!! YOUR GOODIES and comments and love and support truly mean the WORLD to me. I still don't think I would be able to recover had it not been for Spark-People. I could have gone another 10 years.
#3 Situations and what to say to me. Now, the food and exercise...
I KNOW everyone is NOT Bulimic. Most people are friends with food and can have a little of everything they want. I think that is wonderful and the way it should be so I WILL support you. I am an alcoholic and I don't drink alcohol. But if you'd like a delicious glass of wine at dinner that is wonderful. Share with me what it tastes like. Do not be afraid to tell me about your exercise and food goals. That is not a trigger for me. KINDNESS is NOT a trigger. You can offer me food because you have NO idea what all my "trigger" foods are, but if I say no, then that's it. Most of the time this happens, but occasionally someone will ask again. This also goes for, if I have to eat a different dinner than you or if I am not hungry and skip the meal you're eating or if I know it's a trigger situation and I can't even attend this event.
#4 If you have time, look up what bulimia is and understand what it is. This is NOT just about binge-ing and the FOOD. It is about NETTY completely hating who she is inside. This hurts my friends and family deeply because they are my support team and feel badly that I hate myself. I am working the 12-Steps and trying to release my own self-hate and will continually work on this.
#5 LOVE YOURSELF. Be an example to me of Self-Worth. PLEASE don't be a Self-Hater. See yourself as your friends and loved ones see you. As Heavenly Father sees you. If you CAN'T see yourself that way, then maybe it's time for the 12-Step program or a therapist so you can release those thoughts.
Sorry this was so long... but this is so HELPFUL for me which means if I am helping myself and LOVING myself a little more. Maybe there is hope that I will recover and never relapse.
When I sign my name Love, Netty think of what that means: Netty LOVES YOU and Netty is trying harder to: