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I am Bulimic

Saturday, January 12, 2013


Sadly or Proudly I say: Hi, I am Lynette, and I am bulimic.

I am trying to proudly saying, "Hi, I am Lynette." But so sadly I say, "I am bulimic." I have been bulimic the past 10 years. After my 2nd child was born, I weighed 225 pounds. I went to WW and lost 90 pounds and yo-yo’d up and down a little. When my weight started really creeping back up, I panicked thinking about becoming “heavy” again. I would go months without an episode, usually when I was training for the Iron-Man triathlon or for marathons. Then in the blink of an eye it would resurface, and I was fully enthralled in it again.

So, after much prayer and thought after this last terrible episode, I have decided to tell people that I am bulimic. I need their love and support. I know there are some possible people out there who will use this information in a negative way, but I looked at all the benefits to telling people and all the negatives. I decided the benefits out-weighed the negatives. I keep trying to get “better” on my own and with just Heavenly Father’s help, but Heavenly Father has been begging me to tell others so they can help me too. I know I have been doing a great job working with my school students. When I am with the children I can completely give 100% of efforts and attention. I think I have been so passionate about my job at school I didn’t EVER need to think about myself. I would come home and would try to give my family the best of me too. I tried to give my family the best of me, but all I wanted to do was “tune-out” when I got home. This has been especially difficult for them to find out this past week. Please keep Randy, Ben, and Whitney in your prayers too.

I have had to start thinking about me and my feelings as I am trying to escape from this illness. The feelings that I have been feeling now are self-hate, unlovable, gross, and disgusting about my behaviors and actions. I am ashamed and upset, and I feel indescribable feelings of sadness, hurt and anxiety. I am sad now for myself and for everyone around me. I hate that they feel sad because of me. Although I am realizing that these past 10 years they’ve hurt for me too. I am sure I couldn’t completely hide my sadness which often arose in the form of ANGER and FRUSTRATION.

I told a few people at work. They were kind and asked how can I be supportive? One co-worker specifically helped me. She was looking for one of my students right after school. I had already locked my door and asked my boss if I could go home early. I went to open the door and she just said, "Oh Lynette, Are you ok?" I shook my head no. I couldn't really speak. I asked her to come in, and we talked for a minute. I told her how much I was in pain and just full of anxiety and shame. We talked for several minutes and this is what she said so kindly and in a way that I really understood and believed what she was saying.

As I continued to quietly cry and explain the cause of my pain, she said, "Lynette I don't see that. I don’t see ANY of that. NOBODY sees that. How can I help you? We all just want to help you:

That was it. It was very helpful. Before she said this, I felt like an unlovable person, because I’ve always thought I couldn’t control my words and thoughts in a negative way.

Again, she basically said I don't see you as the way YOU see you. NOBODY does. I have to write this 1,000 times, because she is right. I share this with you, because I also hope that if you know someone or if YOU are feeling self-hate or think that you aren't good enough for some crazy reason... OTHERS absolutely do NOT think of you in the same way as YOU think of YOU. A very few, also sick people might hate us or judge us. BUT the people who LOVE and CARE about us DO NOT care what our bodies look like or think that we are mean, disgusting, or gross. They LOVE us and want us to see ourselves the way THEY see us.

I am so thankful I have started telling people and sharing this with others. I shared this with several people yesterday and all (except 1) were 100% helpful and supportive. I can't believe the out-pouring of support and love for me. I am letting them express their love for me in real life and not over my casket like the place I thought I DESERVED to be for being so abusive to my body.

How can people support and HELP me? Before Reason #1 SO I will call this Prelude

Prelude: The only way people can help me is if I SHARE with them. MY heart-ache and pain. Just as I would my celebrations. It's weird... we don't ask others for love and support very often when we are hurting, We try to deal with our own heart-ache and pain BUT we CAN'T because we see ourselves negatively. We must let them help us and tell us what THEY see in us. Some times our loved ones can tell we are sad by other body language that we are hurting but it's OK to say, "I am hurting. I need your love and support."

#1 Treat Me the Same Way You've Always Treated Me: Please don't think of me any differently. DON'T think of me the way I think of me... Gross, disgusting, mean, negative, rude, impatient, etc... I could go on and on. I know all the reasons to hate me and be mean to me. See me the same way as YOU saw me. Tell me about how you saw me, so that I can start trying to REALLY believe it.

#2 Email or Call me. I don't mind if you check-in just to say "Hi". Funny how I haven't been doing this as much lately either. It's a 2 - Way street. Let me call you in my times of need (maybe when I want to binge) and LOVE me during this time. I also need someone to come to an LDS 12-Step meeting with me. ***My Spark-Friends are the BEST!!! YOUR GOODIES and comments and love and support truly mean the WORLD to me. I still don't think I would be able to recover had it not been for Spark-People. I could have gone another 10 years.

#3 Situations and what to say to me. Now, the food and exercise...
I KNOW everyone is NOT Bulimic. Most people are friends with food and can have a little of everything they want. I think that is wonderful and the way it should be so I WILL support you. I am an alcoholic and I don't drink alcohol. But if you'd like a delicious glass of wine at dinner that is wonderful. Share with me what it tastes like. Do not be afraid to tell me about your exercise and food goals. That is not a trigger for me. KINDNESS is NOT a trigger. You can offer me food because you have NO idea what all my "trigger" foods are, but if I say no, then that's it. Most of the time this happens, but occasionally someone will ask again. This also goes for, if I have to eat a different dinner than you or if I am not hungry and skip the meal you're eating or if I know it's a trigger situation and I can't even attend this event.

#4 If you have time, look up what bulimia is and understand what it is. This is NOT just about binge-ing and the FOOD. It is about NETTY completely hating who she is inside. This hurts my friends and family deeply because they are my support team and feel badly that I hate myself. I am working the 12-Steps and trying to release my own self-hate and will continually work on this.

#5 LOVE YOURSELF. Be an example to me of Self-Worth. PLEASE don't be a Self-Hater. See yourself as your friends and loved ones see you. As Heavenly Father sees you. If you CAN'T see yourself that way, then maybe it's time for the 12-Step program or a therapist so you can release those thoughts.

Sorry this was so long... but this is so HELPFUL for me which means if I am helping myself and LOVING myself a little more. Maybe there is hope that I will recover and never relapse.

When I sign my name Love, Netty think of what that means: Netty LOVES YOU and Netty is trying harder to:

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BOOCH6
    I'm even more inspired after reading this ! Keep reaching out. We're all here !

    - Barb emoticon
    1860 days ago
    Writing about your issues and problems seems to help a lot. Keep letting it all out and we'll be here to listen.

    1862 days ago
    I hardly log in to SP anymore - but I am subscribed to your blog. I had to log on after reading your post and just let you know that I am hoping for lots of self love in your life. I have not been through what you're going through, so I cannot pretend to relate - but I'm so glad that you have written about it and brought your private ache out into the public and declared the fight against it. You have a lot of support here on SP and you are worth overcoming this - keep things simple and take each day as it comes. emoticon
    1863 days ago
    Oh Netty, what can I say? First let me say, WAY TO GO for putting it out there!!!!! You are a fantastically BRAVE woman, I am so proud of you. I was bulimic for a very long time and can honestly say I know your pain and suffering, I really wish I had been brave enough to do this, or even had a forum where I could.

    If EVER you want to chat, email me i will be there in an instant.

    Please feel my arms wrapped around you in a hug! You are worth getting better for....I. PROMISE YOU THAT!!!!!!

    1863 days ago
  • OJ_2_OK
    I love you for sharing this blog. I've had these episodes before too. Mainly in college but I haven't done it since. You are amazingly strong for sharing this because I haven't shared my story with...well any one, except the guy I was dating at the time.

    Any ways, If I can help you I will. We just need to better self-love that is all. You are so hard on yourself, just like your boss pointed out...nobody sees what you see. Just like I am so hard on myself.

    Its funny how, I as a stranger, can see your inner beauty through your writing and the personality it shows, and we can be drawn together by spark, but its so easy for us to be so hard on ourselves.

    That's my goal for 2013 and my overall spark people goal is to make this about a healthier lifestyle and showing myself love...not only love but acceptance. No one is perfect, but we can be healthy and happy. :)

    Thank you for sharing this blog and inspiring me to own up to my own demons.
    1863 days ago
    Netty, I think you are really making a big turning point! I feel so excited for you now - I feel like you YOU feel you are making progress towards your recovery. You are stepping outside your comfort zone and doing things differently instead of doing again and again what DIDN'T work in the past.

    A few things - I think people fall pretty much into two camps. Those whose self image is WAY better than reality and those whose self image is greatly worse than reality! I can assure you, you fall into camp #2. We are our own harshest critics. When you start feeling like you are a horrible person, stop and think - do you feel that way about your husband? Your best friend? Your brother? No? Then why would you feel that way about yourself?

    Also, I do believe 100% in sharing. My mother has MS and it's quite obvious that something is wrong. However, she is deeply ashamed of having it (I'm not sure why) and if someone asks why she is limping, she lies (this I cannot abide by; I think it's so very very wrong). Anyway, we had this conversation last time she was here that everytime my parents travel, my dad wants to get on the plane early when they allow people who need more time (the disabled and people traveling with small children) to go first. My mom is always outraged by this. I pointed out that she's not getting "special treatment" but rather, she's getting out of people's way because she DOES need more time and thus making the process more efficient. It's SELFISH to board with everyone else b/c she's slowing them down.

    OK, the point of all that is that if we are not open with others about things that are going on in our lives, we cannot be OUR very best. If people don't know our limitations, and everyone has limitations, then we can't perform to our highest levels, which helps everyone else around us in turn.

    1863 days ago
    The strength you have shown in the last few days is incredible. Make it a priority to treat yourself with kindness and accept love and support from those who offer it. Thank you for inspiring so many of us. I hope that the support of all your friends here is felt by you. You truly are amazing.
    1864 days ago
    This was a very brave step to take, and you need to give yourself credit for that.

    And while your family, friends and colleagues can be helpful and supportive, you might want to find either a support group or a therapist to help you work on this issue, as well as giving yourself permission to be loved. It can help to talk to someone who has experience and insight into the condition of bulimia, so it could totally be worthwhile to explore that.

    Good luck to you!
    1864 days ago
    What a powerful blog. And what a gift you've given to help us all understand this situation and also to encourage others with bulimia.

    This is a very supportive community and there is always always someone here. It sounds too that you are genuinely well loved among your colleagues, friends and family. So now you are letting that support "in".
    1864 days ago
    emoticon Treat yourself with as much love and respect and compassion as you treat others. You are worth it
    1864 days ago
    You are very brave for writing blogging this and sharing your story with others. It is very clear that you are committed to your wellness and recovery...that is wonderful! I know that here on Sparkpeople there are many of us albeit virtual friends that can support you along your journey. Sorry that you are feeling so crappy and sad right now but time heals all things, right now will be hard but day by day with perseverance I think things will get better and *easier* to cope too.
    1864 days ago
  • DEB9021
    Netty, you are so kind, positive and supportive to others. Now you are really listening and tuning in to yourself. You are also clearly a very determined and goal-oriented person, so when you set your mind to it, I think you've got this (not that it is ever easy to change old habits, particularly negative self-speak). I pray that you will find the way to turn all that kind, positive, supportive energy inward, as we all see it shining outward, so that you can benefit from your own strength as much as others do. Keep at it, because it will get better. None of us is perfect and sometimes you have to take things apart and examine all the broken pieces before you can put it all back together again. Not pretty, but necessary. If you try to just hold it together and keep going, everything is more likely to fall apart in a big way eventually. So take it slow (a challenge for you, I'm sure) and take your time healing. A bit at a time. You can do it!
    1864 days ago
  • CAMAEL100
    Such a courageous blog. And so right. Sometimes others cannot see we need help until we ask. Especially as it has to do with what you feel inside.

    I am sure this blog will help others who are suffering in silence.

    I am glad your friends are being there for you. We often underestimate how caring people are. The negative people need to be avoided anyway!!! And your Spark friends are here for you too!!
    1864 days ago
    So much courage to post this.

    I don't know you, but here are virtual emoticon

    Hope you find the support resources you need and continue to reach out to family and friends, including those of us on SP.
    1864 days ago
    great blog! I think you are becoming so much more strong by coming clean and not only coming clean but DOING SOMETHING about it. That is very admirable and inspiring.
    1864 days ago
    Thank you so much for sharing. So often, we want to pretend that everything is perfect in our world and we want everyone outside of that world to see how perfect it is. But, we are human and are meant to share the not-so-perfect side of us. True friends will not care what we look like, what size we are, etc. Virtual hugs and much love coming your way.
    1864 days ago
    Virtual LOVE and SUPPORT coming your way! There's so much here that speaks to me and so many others.

    1864 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/12/2013 9:47:47 AM
    This is a wonderful blog. As someone who has had Bulimia and Anorexia with binge purge tenancies, I think you're very brave to take control. We all love and support you. xoxo
    1864 days ago
    Thank-you for posting, you are helping others doing so as well as yourself. The support system you have around you really does sound like a blessing. People are around that really love and care about you will tell you the truth, that you are a wonderful person. Please continue to be good to yourself you are so worth it

    1864 days ago
    Lynette, I don't know you, but can feel your pain in your post, but more importantly I can feel your hope and desire to rise above your bulimia and become healthier! Your road to recovery began with identifying and owning your bulimia. Now you can begin to heal with the help of your "real" life friends/family as well as the support of those you meet with her on sparkpeople! I will be praying for you and your success. (I am going to research bulimia, a bit more, as you suggested!)

    Hugs to you, Lynette!
    1864 days ago
    OMG ... Please find help in any way you can .. I've lost friends to bulimia .. and to those they left behind .. all I can say is it's not a good feeling, hurt, distain, frustration ... ...

    I'm so happy that you have come out, that is the first step .. This is a disease that you can't FIX yourself .. I hope you find support in friends and faith; and kick this disease to the curb .. YOU CAN DO IT !!!!! Stay with positive forces that come from friends and family .. There will be those that can't support you properly .. you may have to look into reevalutating your friendships with them ..

    I wish you soooo much success in your journey .. and pray you overcome this horrible disease ..
    1864 days ago
  • DRB13_1
    where there is pain, there is also the opportunity for healing
    I hope you will find a good therapist to work with, especially one familiar in dealing with eating disorders
    perhaps you will discover the origin of your self esteem issues, but even if you don't, there is hope for a solution
    1864 days ago
    God bless you for sharing. I am sure there are many suffering in silence and your voice will give them the strength to speak up and share too.

    More love for yourself as you know you are helping others who need to find someone who understands what they are going through.

    Hang tough and realize so many people won't really understand it and may not know how to express themselves to you easily.
    1864 days ago
    Good on you for asking for help, that is a great step. Lots of (((((HUGS))))) to you.
    1865 days ago
  • MYRTLE811
    Please seek out positive people who can help you get through this and get professional help for yourself too. You are just a wonderful lady who is suffering through ending an addiction. You will be in my thought and prayers. I know, however, that this time you will end this cycle in your life because of your bravery in admitting it. That's a great start to healing yourself. Be well.
    1865 days ago
    Well that took my breath away!

    You should be so proud of yourself for "going public". I would imagine one of the toughest things you have done in your lifetime.

    Today is the start of a new life for you Netty...and to finding YOU.

    I hope you are able to find a support group close to you because you are correct, the more you talk about it....

    Take care emoticon emoticon
    1865 days ago
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