Friday, January 11, 2013
Yesterday was another new beginning for me. I began using shakes from Visalus to help me lose weight while also tracking on SP. I desperately need to pull myself out of this depression and start living. I am so heavy that I hurt. I physically hurt. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to go out anymore. I am tired and it isn't worth the effort. I don't want people to see me and I feel embarrassed for my husband if we run into people he works with. I feel embarrassed because I am so large and definitely unattractive. Don't get me wrong, my husband is the sweetest guy ever and he would NEVER say anything to make me feel bad about myself. These are my own feelings, not his. My knees hurt so badly it hurts to just use the toilet. My hips and feet hurt and I often wonder if I am heading towards a heart attack. This is not the life I want to live. Even though I am assured of my salvation because of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ and part of me honestly longs for Heaven with the loved ones I miss so much, I need to be HERE, on this Earth for my husband and for my 2 oldest children. So here I am at another new beginning. Ready to pull out of this grief that is weighing me down. Some days are still terrible and sleep is not always restful but I have to learn how to live again and how to function. I know that my grief will never truly be gone. A piece of me is in Heaven, separated from me until I get there too. But for now I need to learn to carry on here for the sake of my own heart and the people I love.