Friday, January 11, 2013
I just struggle to see anything changing and don't know how to, what is the motivation? I am scared if I do I will get tired and worn out again. I have become the one thing that I never wanted to become - lazy. But ultimately coming down to the fact that everything made me believe that life is tough and I don't matter. I know this is not a depression been there but this is apathy. I am so inspired by the people on this website, and wish that i could be like just one of you, but then i get scared, scared of failing, scared sounds daft but of success that i will be noticed again. Scared of getting tired ( as I am also approaching my finals!) scared of failing them. Just easier I guess to exist than live to keep the status quo to get through my other trials. I feel just a like a shell, and I am trying to wake up but struggling, i want something or someone to flick the on switch ( i remember the exact moment i decided and dedicated to loosing weight last time and it worked) in the medical world we call this the contemplation for change phase, well i can tell you that is a frustrating stage to be in! and would love to get to the next. But more worrying is not going back once in that stage. I have done it recently and maybe manage one even two weeks then things go back to how they were whats the point?