Friday, January 11, 2013
Yesterday I talked about being honest with myself. I kept thinking about that all afternoon and into the evening. I think I am still struggling with the fact that I DO have an eating disorder. I keep fighting with my inner self that tells me that I just don't have any willpower. It is bigger than not having willpower. I realized this when I started to think about not only my childhood but my adult life.
In my first appt. with my nutritionist/dietitian she gave me a questioner for people with eating disorders. One of the questions related to hiding food or being excited to be alone to eat. I said "NO, I do not do that." Just another lie to myself! I caught myself yesterday going to add frosting on a graham cracker. My son came around the corner and I quickly threw it back in the fridge. I was almost caught. HELLO REALITY!
After dinner, the same son (a 7th grader) asked if he could make cupcakes. In my head I was thinking "oh that sounds yummy!" Then I realized that I have been good all day! A cupcake will ruin my "GOOD DAY." It was 8:15 at night and I told him that he needed to keep them away from me that I can't have one. He was so cute. He said, "don't worry mom. I will hide them from you. I can take them to school for my friends." Usually, I would tell him that he couldn't do that as it costs money to make those stinkin' cupcakes. But it also costs money, guilt and shame to keep them in the house! I posted on Facebook about the cupcakes and I was just going to go to bed so I wouldn't be tempted! You would not believe how many comments my post received! It appears I am not the only one tempted by sweets. I was strong. I did not have one of his cupcakes. Thus having one victory. When I stood on the scale today... I was finally down a pound! YAY! I know it is only one pound... but it is in the right direction.
It is the little victories all added up that will win this war I have with food. I am praying and trying to focus on the Godly example the Lord wants me to be instead of focusing on what I am going to eat next. I wish I could end my daily post here... but I have to add one more thing.
My bad habits and low self-esteem have started to rub off on my 9 year old daughter. This morning she came into my room so excited and said, "mommy! My pants keep sliding down! Does that mean I have lost weight?!" I did not want to answer YES as I don't want her to think at all that she is less than perfect. I told her it means she is growing taller! I told her that she does not need to lose weight as she is perfect just the way God made her. I didn't want to make a big deal of it and have her obsess about it like I do. I obsess enough for the both of us! It just is proof that I need to be aware that she wants to be like me. I need to change my energies and try not to make any big deal of my body and weight.
The weekend is coming in about 8 hours. I pray that I will keep in my head the event of this morning and remember my little victories. I plan to have a great weekend with my family. I am praying for anyone reading this too that you will have those little victories too. : )