So there's a clock counting down in my head. It feels very much like the new job starting Monday is going to be some turning point or milestone that I haven't named or been looking for, but it's approaching, and it'll be here SOON.
My last couple of blog entries have had a lit of nerves in them, and this doesn't feel like that anymore. Thank you all so much for your support over the past weeks while I struggle with good days and bad days and figuring out how to handle the drama of life.
Over the years I've gone back to work a number of times, but this feels different. Sure, we need the paychecks, but we're not desperately scrambling to hang in there until the next one comes in right now. The kids are 22, 19 and 18, so I'm less likely to get pulled out of work for a sick child, or school drama. The fibromyalgia is gone, and while my back is still a mess, my schedule has room in it to see the massage therapist and the chiropractor as long as I'm willing to get appointments at 7am... and starting my day with a massage isn't the worst way to go, that's for sure.
The relief coming off my husband is absolutely palpable. He is so ready to have someone else participating in bringing in some money. The entire burden has been on him for so long, and he's tired of taking the crumbs off the table when he's capable of so much more. Once we get some planning done and figure some stuff out, we'll be able to get pretty aggressive with paying some stuff off, finally saving for retirement, buying our house, paying for our daughter's wedding. This payday he makes the final payment on our car that was totalled Nov 2011. Let me tell you, it will be a huge relief to get that monkey off our backs, and if we ever buy new again, we will know to ask for gap insurance.
So anyway, this just feels like I'm launching back into MY life. I have loved (and hated sometimes) being a mom first and a person second, but it really felt like as soon as it started to become time to become more of a person first when the kids were more independent, I got SO sick, and I was in SO much pain for SO LONG (12 years!) that my whole life turned into waiting for whatever medication to kick in, lose effectiveness or become an allergen. I'm not changing the world or saving lives at the new job, I'm helping people figure out where to go on vacation. It's not rocket science or the cure for cancer, but it's manageable, it's positive, it's not going to physically BREAK my body, and it's not sales or collections, with all the pressure associated with both.
And my scale moved again this morning, which is always a good feeling. 221.5. That's 46.7 lbs GONE. I'm close to being able to say I've lost 50 lbs! Maybe next week. How cool would it be to go in for my first day of work knowing I've lost 50 pounds.