Friday, January 11, 2013

The fact that Sudhir is no longer with me is a Fact---one I'd reverse in the blink of an Eye if I could but it is times when some random incident takes place that brings one back to square one--that's when I question the Maxim "Time is the best Healer!!"The loss of a loved one results in deeply rooted Pain and while we try to push it into the Sub Concious Mind it still hurts as it throbs inside.Only one who has suffered such a loss can imagine and understand what I'm talking about---the Pain is terrible and gut wrenching.
Yesterday I was surprised to open the door in the morning to see an old Client of Sudhir's standing at the door.He had some urgent work and wanted to consult Sudhir about it.The completely shocked and stupefied look on his face told me that he was completely unaware of Sudhir's death---and I had to offer him a drink of Water as he stood there and gazed at me uncomprehendingly--totally dazed!!The first sentence he uttered after he collected his wits brought home to me how much I've changed since then---he said that he felt something was wrong when he saw me--and only later realised that my biggest Trademark--my Huge Red Bindi/Dot in the centre of my forehead was missing!!As he walked away wiping his eyes, I stood still in the open door--swamped in a tide of extreme Pain---a testimony of my loss.
My Red Dot was always a bone of contention between us.I'm not a superstitious person--but in following all the Rituals that foretold the bestowing of a long life to my husband---I was at the head of the line!!In fact i was so worried about waking up without the red dot anchored firmly to my forehead that I'd apply one in a dark Crimson shade of Nail Paint under the "Kum Kum" one--so that even while I bathed,washed my face or my hair I retained the symbol of my Good Fortune or "Soubhaagyaa".I have always loved the huge circular size--Sudhir liked it smaller.The size of my Bindi was the topic of many a quarrel--for it varied everyday.It actually depended on how large a circle my finger drew on my forehead with the Vermilion called "Kum Kum".Sometimes it would be as large as an old Silver Rupee--two sizes bigger than an American quarter!!It was around this time that the stick on Bindis entered the market--with a gummy back for convenience and these were available in all sizes.Sudhir and I experimented with the sizes and finally settled on a size--about as large as a quarter!!Of course I cheated--if I found a size a bit larger I'd buy it--in a dozen or more packets containing them in numbers of 5 or 6 each. I still have a lot of them lying around---a painful reminder that I don't really need--but can't bring myself to throw these away!!
Not just this I was also particular about wearing my Mangal Sutra round my neck--I'd wear the other one first before removing the earlier one--insuring that my neck was encircled by a Gold chain with small Black Onyx Beads threaded through it always.I have always loved these Gold chains--and own a collection of these--ranging from a large Gold Pendant woven in Black Beads and Silk thread to elaborately designed Necklet styles--these rarely needed any other embellishment if I had to attend any casual events--of course Weddings and such needed more decoration!!Not being very fond of Jewellery this mangal sutra became my Trademark--and as the new order evolved wearing just this gave me the touch of Dignity and Poise i looked for.
The other thing that I wore was my heavy Silver Toe rings.I loved these and when I married Sudhir---- Aaji my maternal Grandma--told me the specific reason for wearing special Symbols in each little Toe--ranging from the big toe to the smallest.In 1970 Silver was very cheap and so I went out and got the heaviest of each Symbol--the thick circle of Silver wire for the big Toe,the spiral circlet for the second one,the flat chips attached to a Silver circle for the third one,the huge Fish shaped one for the fourth and a tiny filigreed Flower for the smallest and last one!!It was my stubborn refusal to remove these for at least about 5-6 years after our marriage--despite these causing painful swelling thanks to the tightness with which these fitted around my toes.The various shapes too had sharp edges--and poor Sudhir had quite a few scratches on his shins whenever these scratched him during the night!!Finally I retained just the two--the second toe and the fourth one as these were the most important of all.By now I got these made to order---two pairs of thick ,heavy Silver Rings for the second toe and well smoothened large Fish shapes for the fourth toe.Sayali was insistent that I remove these after I came to know that I had Diabetes--but I wouldn't agree.After that each time we visited her in Rochester,NY, she'd tell me how the mother of one of her friends had to have her toes removed due to Gangrene---because she was a heavy Diabetic just like me--and wore similar Toe rings!!Sudhir insisted I remove these in February 2009 after my Heart Attack and Angioplasty---on advice from my Cardiologist.This time he was implacable and firm--and no matter how nicely and sweetly I wheedled--it just didn't work even an iota!!
Today the only Jewellery that I wear are my Earrings and a Jade Bangle.I also wear the ring Sudhir wore for 42 years after we got engaged--he never removed it even once for the entire period!!My forehead and my neck are bare---and as far as possible I keep it that way---a symbol of my Life today!!

Sudhir and Me ,2009,Manhattan,New York

Me in Scotland,March 2012
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JYOTI68

    I know that even though you try to forget people lost in your life, their memories are never lost and they do come back to make you feel sad and to remind you of all the time spent together. After reading your blogs, I always feel I need to cherish time spent with my husband although we have a lot of differences but I certainly would not like the life without him.

    1862 days ago
    Sweetie, you do what makes you feel better!

    I have worn Mom's ring almost daily since she passed away 12 years ago. Now I wear Dad's along with it. It keeps them together on my hand and in my heart.
    I have many other fine pieces I could wear but they don't feel right.

    I haven't understood removing wedding jewelry. Dad said the day Mom died, "I guess I don't need this anymore." and took off his ring. In my heart they were still married but I didn't press it.

    My ring is a symbol of my husbands love for me. I think I'd keep it on if he left before me. It is a small symbol of his love. emoticon
    1864 days ago
  • MIRFA71
    1864 days ago
    Komal, I do understand your pain. Time heals the pain to a certain point but it can take the littlest thing to bring it all back. It's been 4 years now for Jay and there are times I just cry my heart out. I still wear my wedding rings and also wear his now. They both bring me comfort and many wonderful memories.

    extra hugs to you my dear friend.....Mary Anne
    1866 days ago
    You look like a strong and beautiful woman. What changes we find in life and how they define us. Maybe for your birthday this year you could buy a very special piece of small jewellery that represents you and Sudhir in this new state of being. Something lovely, of good quality and everlasting. emoticon
    1866 days ago
    It hurts to se you saddened again by the appearance of an old friend who didn't know of your husband's passing. emoticon
    Sail a steady course towards the goals you had as a couple.
    Seek God's face. He is able.
    1866 days ago
    I'm so sorry for the grief for your beloved that you so beautifully shared with us. I could feel the pain in your words, and understand your love of ritual and how you are missing that as well as your beloved. I hope that your memories will bring you a measure of peace in time. To love and be loved is the greatest gift that one can have. I'm glad you had such a beautiful experience.
    1866 days ago
  • *MADHU*
    emoticon emoticon
    1867 days ago
    It saddens me to read this crude reality of life...i too loved wearing toe rings alot even now although its not in my culture but i simply loved them...but now i dont wear them...coz life n its stress have removed from me my simple likes...now i have become more mechanical and technical...but i still love them...i have them in my jewellery box.
    Ur pictures just gave me goose bumps..hats off to ur courage,i respect u even more... emoticon
    1867 days ago
  • BOVEY63
    Your memories are so sweet and I certainly can understand why you grieve so much for your Sudhir.
    1867 days ago
    emoticon My heart goes out to you and I pray you continue to find peace..time will heal all is something that's there that if we say it enough and believe it firmly enough..it might help....just like any health conditions there's no cure for death..the feelings about it goes into remission.
    1867 days ago
  • JASI27
    I am thinking about you and hope time heals your heart. emoticon
    1867 days ago
  • SAASHA17

    Time is a healer should be taken in a way that, u come to terms with ur situation...but ur heart will always remember the loved ones and sometimes the pain will be too hard to take and sometimes u will go on...

    take care Komal!!

    love u
    1867 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/11/2013 7:40:27 AM
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