Friday, January 11, 2013
How funny. It's been almost a year since I have blogged, and it's nearly the *same* type of blog. "I am back, I am embarassed, I am ashamed I am heavier then I was, after KNOWING what worked, etc etc"
Maybe I should treat this like it's a warning blog DUN DUN DUN!
*******WARNING! DO NOT BE LIKE ME IN THIS! ******
But if you are and do, know you are adored, and it doesn't make you a failure, or anything other then absolutely human, and beautiful in your flaws. We all take our own time to learn things, and realize our own patterns.
I had come back and started working out again and tracking those calories, in July of last year, secretly, quietly,(like a ninja!) under the radar, using the tools, pushing myself (punishing myself) with restrictions and trying to move things a mile of minute, to see those results I wanted to see again. Long story short, I had torn two tendons in my ankle completely and broken the bone, (silly me, when you weigh as much as I did then, I should have realized jump kick jump kick, jump kick, punch should be saved for video games, and not for "Let's get on this RIGHT NOW!" you know, like someone sane would do..slowly starting back up on their fitness routine!)
So que the Dr's visits, and being in a cast then boot, on bedrest for around 6 months all total. It hasn't healed completely and the tendon isnt knitting right, but the idea of surgery is terrifying to me, and honestly the kicker?
I know that the issue is compounded by my weight, the things that need to knit, cannot knit, because I have added such a huge amount of weight on myself with my eating while I was on bed rest, with that same self punishment that I put on myself when I am being "good" and when I am being "bad".
Sleeping in boot is miserable. Being in one for so long, is horrid too! And stinks! and is poo! and I cannot believe, looking back, how depressed I was, for most of those months. How the sunlight just recently broken, to where I feel more myself again.
Cold hard facts, are sometimes the one's that wound the worst, when you really sit and think about them. More to the point, they sometimes provide that *lightbulb* that you need. And lord knows I needed a lightbulb instant.
Can I say, weighing in on the 2nd of this year, was one of those cleansing cries, one of those where you mourn what you cannot change, and accept those things you can change, and gain the perspective to change them, not in an emotional fit but out of want, with conviction.
Sadly, I feel like that saying "Do you how the woman lost 1000 lbs? " "By losing 50 and putting on 75, then losing 100 then putting on 125 and so on and so forth."
- There is no magic pill. This takes work, it takes dedication, it takes sweat and tears and more then anything, it takes someone loving themselves, to the point they are willing to devote in that time.
- I am going to fall again, and I will get back up and not beat myself up.
- My self worth and my love of myself, does not depend on that number on a scale, or the jiggle when I laugh. I am grateful daily for that fact.
- Losing it is simple if you think about the METHOD, but I am not about losing, I am about making changes to become healthier as a lifestyle change. Not as a punishment regime, or setting myself up to fail.
- Burn more calories then I take in, in a healthy manner. No exercise for punishment, no not eating enough calories, or the *RIGHT* kind of calories.
- Remember that -this- isn't the end all be all to life. Life is what happens all the time, this is something that like any other thing I want to change, cannot consume or overshadow the things about me that I love.
- Have fun, but be safe. Amazingly I am not superwoman. (Or wonderwoman, although her outfit would be fabulous in about a year!)
-Be vigiliant. Track what you eat, think about it, and make sure you move, even if it's just a walk, even if it's dancing to a song at the start of every hour. Eventually, those things WILL pay off, like they have a few times before. Eventually you will be able to train like you used to (barring your whole image of beating yourself up while doing it!)
That all being said and out there!
My ankle is still horrid. But you know what? I will take my time and get back to where I was. I will move, and treat it with respect, but not coddle it, or allow it to be an excuse.
I was at my highest weight ever, only 2 weeks ago. Now, I am 14 lbs down from there (holding off on adjusting the tracker, until another week has passed, because I like weighing daily and averaging those weights!)
And I missed ya'll! I even came and lurked for a few of you, read up on how you were, and was amazed at your strengths, and your achievements!