Tonight I put together my grocery order. After a lot of deliberation I made myself put back the bacon. And the beef gravy. AND the makings for my mac and cheese (a major calorie and fat bomb, but seriously delicious). Instead I ordered my favorite Greek yogurt (Fage -- pricey as Hades but luxurious texture and heavenly flavor) and granola (pumpkin and flax seeds). I did not, however, put back the half and half for my coffee or the wine. Right now I'm trying to figure a way to cook the beautiful lacinato kale I got from the CSA without bacon. It almost seems sacrilegious -- maybe a slice or two of the deli ham I bought for my lunch sandwiches, diced fine, with a few shallots?

There are a lot of people who think that I'm a fake if I'm not happy living on fat-free cottage cheese and iceberg lettuce for the rest of my life. That somehow needing texture and flavor and substance and yes, a bit of fat is a major character flaw. Okay, I guess I'm a flawed fake who's too human. I remember hearing one woman say that since breakfast requires fiber and protein, hers would be a couple of fiber capsules washed down with a bottle of protein water. Believe it or not, that almost made me cry, I felt so bad for her. Did she really dislike herself enough to punish herself that way? Is the goal REALLY to stop eating entirely?

Of course, this steps on an ancient nerve with me. I've had people all my life lecture me about how I need to eat (or not eat), that I need to do THIS and THIS and THIS. Mind you, this lecture was usually delivered by people with a beer in one hand and a big bag of chips in the other.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for loving food! But I hate myself for being so ugly and fat. I've had people tell me that the only way is to adopt the attitude that food is an annoying necessity to be dispensed with as soon as possible. I couldn't do that if you threatened my life. I love the flavors, colors, textures, aromas, even the sounds (ever really hear a steak hit a Hades-hot skillet?). I don't think I could adopt that blasé attitude on a million-dollar bet.

I saw that Bobby Flay is doing an online series on fitness and healthy eating (and from everything I've seen and read about him, he seriously "walks the talk"). And Lord knows, Bobby can get my attention!

This whole thing angers me and makes me want to cry. I am so tired of feeling like I need to do penance for feeling this way.