Thursday, January 10, 2013
There is something to be said about trying to lose weight. I didn't really ever listen to that something, honestly. I never thought that I was going to get this fat. I thought that I would stay thin and not have to worry about my weight, not having friends, or a life to speak of. I thought that I would be the one that got it right.
Well... So much for that. Life came and smacked me right in the face. I was bullied, mocked, attacked, and openly rejected. All because of my weight.
I have no idea how people can be so upbeat about losing weight. Staying positive when all I want to do is sit in a corner and let myself go. That would be the easiest thing to do.
Then again, I want a life. I want something more than a size 24 jean and lonely empty package of chocolate chip cookies. Because in all honesty, I could down a whole bag in one sitting. I have done so, many times.
I love food. Its all I think about. I think about it while I am eating. I'm thinking about it right now. I eat because I am so desperately sad and I am so desperately sad because I am fat. Simple as that. Food doesn't say you're a loser, call you a cow, or make you cry. It fills something inside temporarily, then the guilt sets in.
I feel so much guilt about being fat. I don't even like to look in the mirror, it makes me sick. But then I fall off and eat whatever I see in front of me.
I don't know how to stay positive. So here it goes. Day one of the fat journey. I hate the saying "Second Chance." It irks me beyond anything. So, here is to a new start.
Maybe it will work this time around.