Thursday, January 10, 2013
Hello all of my friends!
I am sorry for my absence. I have been gone a long time. I may have stopped in for a day or two here and there but for the most part I have been gone for many, many months. And in that time I have been dealing with a lot of things that I kept to myself.
These past 6 months have molded me into another person. I've learned a lot about people but more importantly I've learned even more about myself. On June 29th of last year I came back in from lunch walking towards my office when the HR director pulled me into his office and told me he had to let me go. And just like that everything that I thought I knew was shattered. I knew I wasn't a Case Manager, it was just what I did but why was it now, I felt like I didn't have a place anymore. That was the most numb, out of body experience. It just affirms my belief that we are all spiritual beings having an human experience. (I have noticed in the moments that hit us the hardest, it is like we are watching it happen, rather than actually it happening to us.) I was so numb but I still knew it hurt, the shock of getting my last check in my hand. I went directly to the bank and deposited it and then didn't know what to do. What do you do? I sat in my car, with my box of stuff in my front seat next to me for a little bit outside of the bank til I decided there was nothing for me to do... but go home.
And by Grace and Grace a lone, for He provided everything I would need to survive this journey to me, even in my darkest, hardest, scariest times, He provided a way, and put me back together a stronger, wiser, braver person. My eyes are open in a way they never were before. As hard as it was, I needed it. Everything has a purpose and a season. Nothing is by chance, luck, accident or coincidence. And you must know if He brought you to it, He already has a plan to get you through it AND, AND....listen closely make you even MORE fruitful and prosperous on the other side IF you believe He will. He is always waiting for opportunities to bless you and we so so so do not see his bigger plan with our small thinking but He always takes something out of your hands to put something better in it!
I am not going to lie and tell you this was not a hard time in my life. I don't think I will ever forget it. I did a LOT better than I thought I would. I wasn't depressed everyday or even most days. But I did have my days. What hurt the most was that I was REALLY good at what I did. That's what hurt the most. There were others still there that didn't work as hard as me, care as much as I did or make a difference as much as I did. The only way I could get over that pain was to know the Executive Director didn't make this decision, God did. But I still went through a lot of stress. Bills do not stop for no one. Thankfully I received unemployment but it was a lot less than I was making and not a permanent solution. Having to qualify every week was stressful to me, not knowing something was certain. But I continued a dialogue in my head. When I was uncertain I'd build myself up by telling myself God wants to make you abundantly fruitful. It is in the bible, it is how it was written, it has to be true. He wants to advance you, that a set back is just setting you up for a great come back... I just repeated the few statements I knew until I believed it or some days until it just made me feel a little bit better. Having some doubts still but able to let it go for the moment.
And grace came. In ways a person might not even recognize as grace. Grace came in my boyfriend saying the right words, being supportive and helping me with money (I had only known him a month when I was laid off), grace came when my non-mushy brother surprised me by buying me my favorite candle and bringing it over unannounced, grace came when my sister mailed me a package (bath and body works- body creams, spray and candles) of goodies I talked to her about saying I missed them because I could not afford to buy them anymore, grace came when the librarian let me copy 25 copies of my resume for free, grace came when my neighbor ended up working at the department of labor and saw me there and personally looked for jobs for me on their own time, grace came when my oldest brother needed someone to take his son to school and paid me, grace just kept on coming and coming. Some moments were so amazing I teared up. Like not being able to afford Christmas but coupons for a few stores came in the mail and I was able to get my mom and sister a few things for free! Those were my saving graces, the moments that I knew God was sending to carry me a long and that He wasn't going to give me more than I could handle. That I wasn't forgotten and that I wasn't in this alone. He was sending me my help as I needed it.
Not only am I a different and better person from this experience (what I define as self value and worth, who I surround myself around, how I spend money, etc.) but keeping my faith has blessed me with a higher paying job, better hours, better benefits and with more options for growth within the company I now work for. Today was my FIRST day working!!!
No matter what your circumstances are believe me that if you look for and expect blessings, God will give them to you. On his timeline but don't worry because it is always perfect timing. Always.
By grace and grace alone did I make it to the other side of my storm.